Bedwetting and Clive Anderson
Jane Brucker (Clive Anderson has left her):
Chip: Hey, you've had a couple too many. What's your problem?
Jane: Clive, he's left me.
Chip: I get more women in here with that.
Jane: Can you imagine, I want to get high, do you have a joint?
Do you know what I have to do, just to get a point?
Oh I know that my love for him, could never be,
What I've had to do, to win on TV.
Chip: I know it's sad, when you can't date,
A sexy moderator, with a shiny pate.
The more kinda girls come here, and they're crying in these joints,
Yeah you may have lost him, but I've just lost all my points.
Jim Sweeney (drinking to forget impotence):
Mike: So, what's the problem?
Jim: I've got a problem, it's making me sick.
Frankly, I've got a useless dick.
My life it ain't no fun,
Man it's just a real bummer.
Can you help me 'bout my useless dick?
Mike: Come again? I'm sorry, I'll rephrase that.
I take those problems seriously.
Lack of orgasm can make you deliriously ... upset.
I've got an idea for you, (hands over drink)
Here's a stiff one, that oughta do.
Have yourself another, on the house.
Tony Slattery (in love with the barman):
Mike: So, you've been coming in here quite a bit. What's up?
Tony: I'm the bacon, (Mike: Aha) and you are my chips.
I'd like to shipwreck in those standy-out nips.
You are the centre of my life,
If you were'nt a big butch man, I'd ask you to be my wife.
Mike: You know a lot of people say strange things,
But very few of them get through to my heart strings.
I've put up a front for, oh so long.
But the burning in your eyes is oh so strong!
You've seen through me!
So do me!
(Mike: lies face down on the bar, Tony goes to climb onto him)
Jim Meskimen (drinking to forget the stockmarket):
(audience suggestions included 'going bald', rejected by Clive)
Chip: Well, Bobby, you've drank everything in the house. So why don't you tell me your story.
Jim: Alright, why not, I've told it to everybody else. I might as well tell it to you.
I lost a fortune today, in just one minute. (Chip: Scabadeedoo!)
I lost a fortune today, in the blink of an eye.
When those green letters went around, they said I had a negative,
Man do you have to ask yourself why I cry?
Chip: I'm glad you came here, I'm glad you called,
I thought you might be upset because you're going bald.
That's not why (Jim: No no no no!), your life was sweet,
Until you lost it all on Wall Street! (Jim: All on Wall Street!).
Ryan Stiles (having a crisis with impotence):
Ryan: Why aren't their any women in this bar? (music starts)
Chip: Heck of a jukebox!
Ryan: Sure is!
I'm having problems (Chip: With what?)
I think it's the end.
With my little friend.
When it comes to love,
Guess I'm just a pup,
Suddenly I just can't,
Seem to get it up.
Chip: I know your problem,
When you're on a date,
When the two of you are together,
You can't seem to get anything straight.
Maybe in the sixties,
You took some acid.
And that's why now,
You can't help but be flaccid.
Tony Slattery (In love with cats):
Mike: (picking hair off him) Where in the hell have you been?
Tony: I've got a passion, from which I will not be swerved. Aha.
I'm like Mrs Slocombe from 'Are You Being Served?'. Wha ha.
You may think that I'm some kind of wussy,
But I can't get enough of daily pussy.
I'm in love, in love with my feline friends. Wha ha ha.
Mike: You've got a problem, a problem on your hands.
I can smell it, it's those kitty love glands.
You've been working overtime in the bowl,
Doing the fur jelly roll.
You gotta knock off, knock off the stray pussy.
Ryan Stiles (Celebrating being invited to the Queen's Garden Party):
Audience member (male): Invited to the Queen's garden party!
Clive: You've had all the best suggestions tonight ... Madam. So, Ryan's been invited to the Queen's garden party, something we have over here, and away you go.
Mike: A nice summery day, huh?
Mike: Hey, what's got you down? You should be the happiest guy in the world!
Ryan: I got some kind of extraordinary news today.
A special person's called me over, for a little play.
She's the best one that I've ever seen,
Unfortunately it's not that same queen,
That you're thinking 'bout, this girl's name is Roy.
Mike: Queen Roy is quite a queen. (Ryan: Aha!)
The toughest queen that you've ever seen. (Ryan: Whoah ho ha!)
But her parties are legendary. (Ryan: Really?)
There's naked men on a trapeze,
Nicholas Parsons covered in cheddar cheese,
Swingin from the balcony chandeliers. (Ryan: Sounds like it's great!)
You're just in time for the vomit fountain of beer!
Ryan Stiles (drinking to forget his wife):
Josie: What's your problem?
Ryan: I'll tell you in a second...
I used to go to bed with someone next to me,
Now the empty sheets on the pillow are all I can see.
My wife is no longer right there at hand,
And it's hard to find a wife in a man.
Josie: Well you know some husbands are lying, cheating, brazen utter skunks.
Some husbands are people who sit in bars and are bleeding lousy drunks. (Ryan looks guilty)
Your wife should have left you, that's easy to see.
And I tell you why, 'cause that wife was me.
Mike McShane (has a problem with bad breath):
Clive: He has a problem.
Audience member: Dieting.
Mike: All these weight references, I've never heard them before. Get some original material.
Audience member: Bad breath.
Clive: Okay, so you have bad breath.
Josie: There you go (passes him a drink).
Hhhhaaalitosis, it's the bane of my existence,
The funk from my mouth has utterly no resistance.
It smells like a skip full of seagull poo,
It smells like eight-year-old horsy glue,
I have no friends at all, tell me bartender what can I do?
Josie: Well you have ... (breaks off, repulsed by breath)
Well you have to do something,
Else you'll have this terrible thing until you reach your death.
It's really awful to have this terrible affliction,
We know it as halitosis, or sometimes bad breath.
There's only one thing I can thing of to get you out of this rut,
And that is always, my darling, to keep your mouth shut,
Yes keep your mouth shut!
Greg: Hi, Chip!
Chip: Hey, what's the matter, huh?
Greg: Well, I ... my mind is all full of things.
Chip: Tell me one.
Greg: I made a lot of cash this year, you could say that I am rich.
But now they want all my money 'cause the government is a bitch.
I wish I'd paid as I went along, I guess that I'm just a nut, but,
Now they want it all, I guess they're gonna bite me in the butt.
Chip: Ohh... that's kinda sad, (Greg: Yeah!) they should carry you out on a gurney,
When you get so reamed by that old tax attorney,
But what you can do, if I can be sold bold to guess,
Is drive a car bomb into the IRS!
Ryan Stiles (in love with his dog):
Clive: Yep, okay, oh yeah... unusual use of the word gurney there... as we move onto Ryan, and he's in love with something. Can we suggest something he's in love with?
Audience member: Himself!
Clive: Everybody always suggest that as well, I thought we'd forgot about these performers...(?)
Audience: Car, fish, dog...
Clive: Was that... dog or car?
Audience member: Barman!
Clive: Er, dog, I think... hehehehehe... barman's not a bad one, I think dog is a good one. You're in love with your dog, has comic potential. So away you go, Ryan.
Ryan: Hey Chip!
Ryan: You know lately, life really stinks.
Open up that bottle and keep pouring the drinks.
My wife died about an hour ago,
Didn't want her to but that's the way it is you know.
But I figured, hey, why sit around and grieve her?
I've got a dog at home, I'm in love with my retriever.
Chip: That's kind of funny, on valentines,
You send a card to your canine.
And then when you're in your house, you're not there all alone,
'Cause your girlfriend can fetch a bone!
Tony Slattery (angry about his jacket):
Clive: Yes... very good... okay, well, while we work out the full implications of the lyrics there, lets move on to Tony, who's... he's angry about something. What do you think he's angry about?
Audience: Jacket! Career!
Clive: He's angry about his jacket and his clothing generally, let's say... so away you go, Tony... I could have taken career! Somebody was just suggesting career there, which is... very cruel.
Tony: Look at my face! Is this an angry face?
Chip: That's an angry face!
Tony: Shall I tell you why?
Chip: Tell me!
Tony: I went to a store, I spent a lot of bucks! (Chip: Bucks!)
I came out with this, and boy does it suck! (Chip: Suck!)
But the most important thing, and this is what I'd like to share,
I hate this jacket 'cause it's made of bits of Lionel Blair.
Chip: I'll tell you what.
Chip: Man you got reamed, when you went into that store,
They said it was velvet, but it's only cheap velour.
That salesman's good, that boy he is no slouch,
He ripped that sucker right off his old couch.
Tony Slattery (angry about his middle name):
Clive: Tony, he's angry about something, so what do you think he's angry about?
Josie: Oh, this'll be a clean one.
Audience member: Angry about his middle name.
Tony: I am actually. It's Deklan.
Clive: Well, you can bring some of that into the song if you want. Away you go Tony, angry about your middle name.
Josie: Come on, drink that. Calm down.
Tony: I can't calm down, I'm too angry.
Josie: What about?
Tony: I got a middle name and I feel malicious,
'Cause my parents called me Patricius.
This middle name, it's such a heavy load,
But when I say it, I can feel my testicles explode.
Josie: You've been drinking far too much, make sure you don't get in a car.
And remember, it's not the name your mother n' daddy give you that matters, it's the person inside that you are.
So be proud, Patricius, come on take my flattery,
It's much better than being called Tony Slattery.
Ryan Stiles (has a crisis with bunions on his feet):
Chip: What's the matter?
Ryan: I've got a problem.
Chip: Tell me.
Ryan: I've got a problem, (Chip: Ooh, ooh.)
With my feet below. (Chip: Ah, ah.)
There's something growing,
Under my big toe.
I hope people don't find out,
I hope they don't talk.
At this point I can only wear,
Chip: That's kinda sad,
I'm crying like I'm cutting onions,
Because your feet have,
Those nasty bunions.
Your shoes they really hurt,
Down to their soles.
Maybe you should see,
Mike: What's got you down in the mouth, huh?
Ryan: People say things to me, that really make me hurt.
Sometimes they complain and joke about my shirt.
I'm not sure if it's some other joke that I've missed.
People make fun of me just because I wear fashions from Sunkist.
Mike: I know you've got problems, I could say.
It's a bright shirt, but, what the hey.
You're looking healthy, believe you me.
With a shirt like that you must be getting your Vitamin C.
I tell you baby, keep it alive-er,
Just dip your shirt in this vodka, and have a screwdriver.
Tony Slattery (in love with an inflatable pig):
Mike: (as Tony walks down) I'm sorry, we're closed.
Clive: Now, er, Tony's in love with something or someone.
(Audience suggestions include 'himself')
Clive: Everybody always says himself! Every time! He must love something else, come on!
Mike: I owe ya 5 bucks!
Clive: What's that? An inflatable pig? He's in love with an inflatable pig. These girls all know you guys! An inflatable pig.
Tony: An inflatable pig?!!!
Clive: Pig. Okay, that's what you're in love with... Have you been out socically with Tony?
Mike: I haven't seen you around here for the last few weeks. What's going on, Tony?
Tony: There've been difficult times, shall I tell you about it?
Mike: Lay it on me, brother.
Tony: I've got a problem, I'd like to report.
When I see Porky Pig, my pants distort.
Oh yeah, you know what I mean,
When I see that porker I spill my seed.
You know animals are my ilk,
I spray them with man milk.
I go "Yeah, Porky,
Porky you're the one for me."
Mike: I've heard all around town,
How you've been throwing down,
Hanging out at that late night cottage,
Indulging in some porcine frottage.
Well you gotta get away from that,
It's gonna ruin your name, you bad cat.
I'd say don't do no more harm,
Get yourself a nice quiet place on the farm.
But remember, above all,
Doing too much pork raises cholestorol.
Stephen Frost (killed a bald dachshund):
Josie: How are you coping in here? Tell me about it.
I came to this country just to see zee Vorld Cup in sixty-six,
And zis little Scottish dog came walking up to me, and it made me feel sick.
And I took out my sharp knife and I scalped it zere and zen.
And zen it vent and told on me and listen vhat happened zen,
I slit its throat, I cut off its tail and stuffed it in its mouth,
I took it home to where my father lived and had some sauerkraut.
Josie: I can get you out on bail, I think, I've got enough money in the funds.
But only if you promise me you won't kill any more dachshunds.
You know it really makes me sick, to think that what you do,
Is killing doggies because you hate the mess they make with their poo.
Tony Slattery (ran off with a sumo wrestler):
Tony: Look out, Bea! Here comes Vinegar Tits!
Josie: Tell me about your crime, Slasher!
Tony: You want to hear about that crime or the other one?
I'll take a chance with you, let's have a little betty,
You guess why I like fat people, because they're sweaty.
I lose myself in their folds of skin,
That's where my lust begins,
That's why I want to marry,
A sumo wrestler from Gay Paree.
Josie: Gay Paree, (Tony: Yeah!)
That's quite a long way to go,
Why are you so in love, why did you run away with a sumo?
You've got to stay in prison now, the sumo guy don't want you back,
But you can carry on wearing the nappies that go straight up your crack.
Mike McShane (smuggled a grandfather clock into the country):
Josie: What did you do, baby?
Mike: Oh, baby, I did it for us okay?
Rrrrrrrrrrroo! (Josie: Ap ap ap ap ap!)
Ha ha! (Josie: Hiya hya hya!)
You know my grandfather clock in the house,
The one with the family of the cute brown mouse,
Well my grandfather died and he willed it to me.
They took it away from me, I took it back,
They took it away, and I ran away Jack,
Now I stole the clock, what can I do baby?
Josie: I can hide the grandfather clock, (Mike: Ooh hoo!) I can shove it up my bum.
But I'll be in a lot of pain with the swing from the pendulum.
I know what I'll do, I'll hide it in my frock,
So don't you worry, I'll look after your grandfather clock, clock, clock-clock-clock, clock.
Caroline Quentin (in Italy, has murdered George):
Josie: Maria, tell me why?
Caroline: I am crazy, that is why.
I couldn't stand a man,
He came at me with his bad breath and his sweat again.
I saw him there, and with despair,
I took a knife and killed him.
Josie: I know you didn't mean to kill George, (Caroline: Kill George!)
But what a problem this poses. (Caroline: It poses a problem!)
To kill George simply because,
He had halitosis.
Ryan Stiles (in Jamaica, was caught with a prostitute in a car):
Ryan: Dao. Da, da, da, da, da, do, do.
Whoah, the police run up to me one day, boy they rave and rant.
I made the same mistake as my good friend, the actor Hugh Grant.
Made the mistake, now jail's where I got to go.
And I'm stuck with a very very huge man whose name happens to be Moe.
(worriedly waves to someone behind him)
Josie: I understand why you did this, (Ryan: Da da do do!)
I understand your ploys, (Ryan: Whoah da ra do do do!)
Although men try to be really good,
Let's face it lady boys will be boys.
We know you're not so good,
We've heard about you and we know you quite well. (Ryan: A da do do do do!)
I'll help you to escape my friend,
Come on limbo under your cell!
(lifts up the bars)
Ryan Stiles (in Greece, in love with a cameraman):
Yes, a man I adore.
He pushes a big thing around the floor.
I love him, and all of his friends.
When he makes love to me, he uses a telescopic lens.
Josie: This is such a lot of hocus pocus.
You must pull your friendship into focus.
Come on now, don't be a clamourer,
You must forget about this man behind the camera.
Ryan: (moves to kiss camera lens)
Jim Sweeney (scared of hats):
Josie: Tell me about your problem then, boy!
Jim: Alright, I think I will.
I'll tell you this, and I'll tell you that,
I'm very very scared of a very big hat,
I'm scared of a hat, I'm scared of a hat is me.
Been scared since I was a little boy,
It seems worse now oh joy, oh joy,
I hate those hats they scare the life out of me.
Josie: This is quite a big problem, yes it is so very big.
It'll probably be with you until you're dead.
I know why you hate hats so much, I know why it is true,
It is because you've got a funny head.
So this is what you need to do my son, before you go,
Never wear a chapeau.
Tony Slattery (in love with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles):
Tony: I've got a problem, doc.
Josie: (looks at him) Yes, I can see. Tell me about your other one.
Tony: I'll tell you about this one, shall I?
Josie: Yeah, go on.
I think sometimes I drink too much, I think I drink too much gin,
Then I find myself falling in love with a shiny terrapin.
I like to call it Josie or Myrtle,
But really I want to mount a turtle.
Tell me what to do, before I go mad. Cha cha cha.
Josie: This is quite a nasty problem, oh yes, a quite nasty problem for sure.
I think you want to be a Mutant Teenage Ninja Turtle, do you, tell me, live in a sewer? (Tony: Mmm hmm.)
Oh I'm going to give you some more pills to stop this, they may make your eyelids droop. (Tony: I don't know.)
But never go near the turtles again, you may end up in the turtle soup.
Colin Mochrie (in Germany, scared of psychiatrists):
Josie: What seems to be the matter, my little dubsche?
Colin: Ooohoo, de lieber.
Verstinin muell lichen das luten.
Bestuki vuti steech, et lugi dugi deitch.
I'm scared of psychiatrists.
Josie: I understand why you had to have therapy.
But there's really no reason to be scared of me.
I'm a very nice person, I give you good advice.
And if I don't like you, I will put your head in a vice, vice, vice. (Colin moves away)
Ryan Stiles (in Mexico, in love with a nurse):
Josie: Riba, riba, riba!
Ryan: Is very good!
I'm in love with a girl, I've got lots of gall.
She's a girl who works in a hospital.
She's the kind of girl, people do scoff.
But I love when she grabs me by my testicles and says "cough".
Josie: Riba, riba, riba. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Things are looking good for you, things could not look worse.
It's quite nice I believe, to be in love with a beautiful nurse.
Nothing can be sweeter,
than being in love with this cancita.
She dances round your Mexican hat.
Oh, yes, and she knows where to bung her thermostat.
Mike McShane (obsessed with Easter Bunnies):
Think about eggs, think about eggs,
Think about eggs all day.
I hop and hop and skip and hop,
Whenever I want to play.
I go to bed, I roll over,
I look at the back of my tail,
It's furry and fuzzy what can I do?
I'm gonna wind up in jail.
Josie: I think you are definitely going funny,
It's because you are in love with all these Easter bunnies. (Mike: Yeah.)
What can you do, you feed me all this junk,
You know what rabbits do a lot, oh yes they're just bunk.
So what you need to do is go away and try to break the habit,
Never look at an Easter egg and stay away from the rabbit.
Tony Slattery (in love with himself):
Put the mirror there...
I got a little problem, I can't get enough,
You know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about me, I'm hot stuff.
Look at myself in the mirror, I just start to sweat,
'Cause I'm the most beautiful person, that I've ever met.
Chip: I think your problem's easy, you're really kind of queer,
Every time I see you, looking at yourself in the mirror,
One of these days, that mirror will just go crack,
'Cause Mister, your problem is you're an egomaniac.
Tony: Have you got any crack?
Ryan Stiles (thinks he smells like horses):
(makes horse braying noise)
Chip: So, how many appointments has this been for you?
Ryan: (bangs foot on ground 3 times)
Ryan: Oh doctor, help me please,
Could you help me, help me, help me, today? (Chip: I'll try!)
'Cause I've got a problem, I'm not like other guys,
I like to nibble on hay.
Chip: Well I can help you, I think I'm able,
You don't look that well to me, you look and smell a little unstable.
I think that it's not really a problem, don't let yourself get down,
'Cause someday you might win a triple crown.
Mike McShane (Obsessed with poodles):
Josie: Tell me about your problem.
They're small and they're cut really funny,
They bark, and their nose and eyes are runny.
When I go walking down the street,
Their little four feet toenails I hear and meet.
I can't stand them, they scare me doodles,
Those nasty poodles.
Josie: I get this problem a lot of times, I know you're a real mean tripper.
It's because you hate the poodles, especially the ones with the really strange clipper.
Never go out into the street, never go in the smog,
Never go near a poodle, they're a funny kind of dog.
Oh let me give you these pills my boy, they'll help you with the whole kaboodle.
And stay away from the silly women that always have a poodle.