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In association with

Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?


Greatest Hits

Songs of Airline Travel (Sherwood & Wilson)
Songs of the Ant Farmer (Sherwood)
Songs of the Attorney (Brady)
Hits of the Bathroom (Lawrence)
Songs of Bus Drivers (Brady)
Songs of the Butcher (Brady)
Songs of Camping in the Wild (Brady)
Songs of the Chiropractor (Lawrence & Brady)
Songs of Dallas (Brady & Williams)
Songs of the Dentist (Brady & Esten)
Songs of the DIY Centre/Hardware Store (Sherwood & McShane)
Songs of the Doctor (Brady & Esten)
Songs of the Dog Walker (Brady)
Songs of the Exterminator (Brady)
Songs of the Farmyard/Barnyard (Sherwood)
Songs of the Firefighter (Esten & Brady)
Songs of Football (Sherwood & Brady)
Songs of the Gas Station (Lawrence)
Songs of Golf (Brady & Sherwood)
Songs of the Hospital (Brady & Sherwood)
Songs for Hypochondriacs (Brady & Sherwood)
Songs of the Lifeguard (Brady)
Songs of Los Angeles (Brady & Davis)
Songs of New Orleans (Brady)
Songs of the Pizza Place (Brady & Esten)
Songs of the Plumber (Brady & Sherwood)
Songs of the Plumbers (Brady & Sherwood)
Songs of the Postal Worker (Brady)
Songs of the Private Eye (Brady)
Songs of the Pro Bowler (Brady)
Songs of the Psychiatrist (Sherwood & Brady)
Songs of the Safari (Brady)
Songs of the Taxi Driver (Davis & Brady)
Songs of Telemarketers (Connell)
Songs of the Wrestler (Sherwood & Brady)

Songs of Airline Travel

(Episode 10.09) - Brad Sherwood & Debra Wilson perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hi. We'll be back to our feature presentation, "Men in Back", in just one moment. But right now we've got a special offer for you.
Colin: Airlines. Flight, planes, stewardesses, pilots. That just screams out music, doesn't it?! You know, people always request this next song, ...
Ryan: I know what you're talking about...
Colin: That great samba hit, "Coffee Or Beef?".

Brad: Coffee or beef, what is your reply?
If we crash put your head between your knees, and kiss your ass goodbye.
Debra: Well I don't want to sound hicky,
And I think this answer might sound retriki,
But I tink I'll just take the coffee, and stay away from the beef.
Brad: What a relief!

Ryan: Oh boy... you know... I am exhausted already.
Colin: And wait, that's just one of the many kinds...
Ryan: There's more than one?
Colin: It'd be a silly record with one!
Ryan: I know what you're thinking, hey, sounds like music for older people.
Colin: You know, it does at that.
Ryan: No no no! There's some rock and roll on this album too... four or five hits, number one being the one that was on the number one charts for eighty-four weeks in a row...
Colin: Can you handle all these numbers?
Ryan: The classic, "Somebody Wake Up The Fat Guy".

Brad: I gotta go to the bathroom, and I'm feelin' poor.
Somebody wake up the fat guy, he's blockin' the lavatory door.
I gotta go in there because it's hit and miss, oh baby yeah,
I've been standing in line and I've really gotta take a tinkle.
Debra: Yeah I saw that fat guy over there and he sleeps.
While I'm sitting here trying to get away, while I'm sitting here weeping.
Well I know he seems like a drag, five times he's used that sleeping bag,
Come on baby, wake up the fat guy over there.
Brad: Whoohooo!

Ryan: Oh boy... I gotta go just hearing it. You know what? My favourite song is on this album.
Colin: You're not serious?!
Ryan: I am serious. I am talking about the rhythm and blues favourite, "If We're Going Down, I'm Doing The Stewardess".

Brad: We're gonna crash in a couple of minutes or so, (Debra: Minutes or so, yeah!)
And baby I tell you I know the only way to go. (Debra: The only way to go!)
I wanna have fourteen vodkas and a big back rub,
I'm gonna do the stewardess and join the mile high club. (Debra: The mile high club!)
Whoo heee (Debra: Mile high club!)
Ooh ohh ohh (Debra: Mile high club!)

Songs of the Ant Farmer

(Episode 11.14) - Brad Sherwood performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hello, we'll return you to your movie, "The Man Who Would Be Queen", in just one moment. But first, have we got an offer for you!
Colin: As long as there's been ant farms, there's been music about ant farms. And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. We have compiled an incredible collection of ant-farm-related songs.
Ryan: Over fifty songs on forty-nine CDs. You know, many songs are on this. One of my favourites, of course, is the French Cancan number, "Hey Look..."
Brad: (does a high kick)
Ryan: "Hey Look, Picnic!"

Brad: There I see a little picnic,
Let's go to it real quick,
I think we will get so sick sick sick sick sick sick sick.
We will eat all of their food there,
And we will not care, care,
Because we are ants and we will jump inside their pants, pants.
And we do the pants, pants,
We will do the dance, dance,
If we really can, da da da da da da da da!

Ryan: Hey, Col, where is your favourite place to listen to this CD?
Colin: In the bathtub.
Ryan: Really?
Colin: Yes.
Ryan: How would I know?
Colin: ... ah. And of course, who could forget when ant farms seemed to be the rage in every form of entertainment? Who could forget the theme song from that great sitcom, "Insects and the Single Girl"?

Brad: Meet Cindy, who is a single girl,
She's living inside her cute little world,
But there's glass on either side, and sand all around.
When she goes from the top to the bottom then,
She sees the ant and her friend Ken,
Comes in and he sneaks in and doesn't make a sound.
So they have to pretend that their neighbour Bob,
Is really a guy who doesn't have a job,
And later on, they all get up and dance,
On the farm full of ants!

Ryan: You know, the hits on this CD aren't just by obscure artists, no, there are big names on it too!
Colin: Like who?
Ryan: Well, as a special bonus gift, if you phone by 5 o'clock today, you'll receive that number one B-52s hit, "I've Got a Thorax to Grind With You"!

Brad: Just yesterday I saw the insect world,
And I looked around and it was unfurled,
I went to the picnic and it was bad,
I had a deviated septum and it made me mad.
I saw bugs and bugs and bugs and bugs,
And those bugs seemed like they were on some drugs,
They kept on crawling on me like I was a worm,
And then I had to do the ant worm squirm,
Awoo, awoo, awoo, awoo!

Songs of the Attorney

(Episode 12.20) - Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Colin: Hi. We'll soon return you to the Dyslexic Theatre production of Bitty Bitty Chang Chang in just a second. But first we have a special offer for you.
Ryan: My attorney got me a million dollars. No he didn't, but you'll feel like a million dollars when you buy our new 3-CD set all about the attorney. 52 songs on 3 CDs, huh?
Colin: Why, that divides evenly, doesn't it?
Ryan: It sure does.
Colin: When I was a young boy growing up in kibbutz, my grandmother used to sing me Yiddish folk songs about attorneys.
Ryan: Really?
Colin: Yes. And thas... the words still ring in my head as though it were 20 years ago. And one of my favourites of all time was "Sue Him. Sue Him Big."

Wayne: Listen to me darling, and listen to this song,
If somebody hurts you, or they might do you wrong,
There's only one thing that you can do,
You've got to sue.
And sue him big.
Let me tell you something, listen to mom,
Because if it hurts you, listen to this psalm,
If they hurt you,
You know-yi-yi you've got to sue big.
Because you've got to sue, sue, sue,
That's what you've got to do, got to sue,
I've been with you, from the cradle,
Oy my goodness, dreidel dreidel dreidel.
Just sue, sue,
Oy, got to sue.
Call me sometime!

Ryan: Suddenly I feel like having a matzo.
Colin: Oh, I miss my booby.
Ryan: You know, this CD set is selling so good in the west and up north, but we're trying to get our southern friends to buy this too. So we're going to talk slowweeer. And we've got a song on this CD set for you, that great jug band hit, "Sequester This!"

Wayne: Well, you know in school sometimes there's a semester,
When you're in a case you've got to sequester,
That's when you move from state's aid,
And you know you're in denial,
Because you've done some wrong, can't get a fair trial.
You've got to sequester over there or sequester over here,
Got to sequester in someplace else that I know that is not clear,
Because if you can do it, you'll never get your case heard.
And now I'm going to this... (picks up a jug and starts blowing but the music stops)
My jug broke!

Ryan: Just flip disc one over, you get the other half of that song.
Colin: It also comes with Dick Clark's Practical Jokes and Jug Band Bloopers. You know... would you pay over 200 bucks for this collection?
Ryan: Well I wouldn't. (laughs)
Colin: (laughs) And what about us, who only have one network show...? You know, when I was a young boy I had a dog named Joe.
Ryan: Ah.
Colin: And whenever he'd get too far away I'd put on a Yoko Ono record and he'd come running back really quickly. And luckily, that song is on this album. The great Yoko Ono attorney hit, "Attornneeeeeeeee"

Wayne: When I met John, what could I do?
I broke up the Beatles, they wanted to sue.
So I got myself a lawyer, and they did too.
I believe this is what the lawyer's called, I tell you,
Attorneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (hits gong) Bong!
Attorneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (hits gong) Bong!
(screams long high pitched note)

Hits of the Bathroom

(Episode 8.12) - Josie Lawrence performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Clive: And it's Hits of the Bathroom. That's bathroom in the British sense, not the American sense of being somewhere where you go and do whatever you do in an American sense. You know what I mean.
Colin: No, not really.

Ryan: Want to throw that big party but just haven't got the music to play? Well now on a 2 record set you can get the hits of the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s. Can't you Bob?
Colin: You sure can!
Ryan: Who could ever forget the number one gold album, the rock opera, "If You're Out Of Toilet Paper, Use The Towel Marked His".

Josie: And I just don't know what to do,
Every time I try to go for a poo,
I'm sitting on the loo, but it's such a caper.
Because when it comes to pass,
And I look for something to wipe my arse,
I find that I've run out of toilet paper.
I've run out, of toilet paper.

Ryan: Oh yeah. That really takes me back to my childhood.
Colin: Oh it certainly does take me back to your childhood. But who could forget this popular hit, popular in the 50s, "You Are My Suds, I Am Your Soap".

Josie: Oh we had such a laugh, didn't we John?
When we sat in the bath, didn't we John?
Oh you covered me in so many bubbles,
Rubbed them all in, I forgot all my troubles.
You went into every little crack, didn't you John?
Took a loofah to my back, didn't you John?
Oh I love you, come on let me rub.
Let's remember our days in the tub. John.

Ryan: Love it. Believe it or not I got my first kiss to that song. Bring back some memories? The year was 1962 and boy we had a lot to protest about didn't we?
Colin: Boy.
Ryan: There was an anthem for a whole generation in the top number one protest hit song, "I'm So Small 'Cause You Used All The Hot Water".

Josie: Where has all the hot water gone?
Gone to wash the lady.
Where has all the hot water gone?
There's no more left for you, soldier baby.
Oh, the hot water's gone, it's up and drained away,
But life's not as bad as you think.
'Cause when people go in cold water, soldier boy,
Everyone around tends to shrink.

Songs of Bus Drivers

(Episode 11.03) - Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

(NB: In the first song, the pronunciations of "route" are indicated by "root" (as in 'boot') and "rowt" ('doubt'))

Ryan: Hi! We interrupt your commercial to bring you another commercial. We've got an offer for you. Over 500 songs on 50 CDs.
Colin: And what about? Why, our old friend, the bus driver. Throughout the ages, well, at least the ages where we had buses, the bus driver has been our friend. And we've had songs that went along with our bus driver friend. Remember this Michael Jackson hit, "You're Not On My Route!" (root) Would that be route? Route. (rowt)

Wayne: Ah, ah, hiss, uh uh.
You want me to go north, I'm goin' south.
You're not on my root, I mean rowt. Hoo!
Girl, you're buggin' me, you're makin' me scream,
Because you're not a bus driver's dream, ah!
I'm drivin' the bus-a, now people in the back,
Because where you're goin', is it common sense that you lack,
I'm not goin' your root-rowt, mmm!
Your root-rowt, ohh!
Your root-rowt, huh!
Your root-rowt, mmh!

Ryan: Michael Jackson, a wonderful singer and a great head coach. Y'know, there's a lot of songs that you won't hear in this country, that we've taken from others. How much would you pay for a 5 CD set like this? Or even a 50 CD set like this?
Colin: Why, I'd pay up to fifty thousand dollars.... but, I am an idiot!
Ryan: But you're from Canada, so with the exchange...
Colin: I'm still an idiot!
Ryan: There are so many hits on this CD set that you can't listen to 'em all in one day! But you can try. And you know, none is more popular than that number one country-western hit, simply titled "Pfffff".

Wayne: Pffffff.
(bottle blowing noise x4)
(scratchboard noise x3) Chhhhhhh.
(bottle blowing noise x4)
(scratchboard noise x3) Chhhhhhh.
(bottle blowing noise) Eh! Eh! Eh! (horn)
C'mon! C'mon!
Chhhhhh. Chhhhhh.
(bottle blowing noise x2) (scratchboard noise x2)
Ting! Clink!
(to Colin & Ryan) Come on!

Colin: You know, when driving a bus, or as our Canadian friends say, "a boos", as our regular viewers know...
Ryan: You made me giggle.
Colin: I know. As our regular viewers know, I'm a pretty hip, groovy guy. And I love the 80s funk.
Ryan: Oh, who doesn't?!
Colin: Remember that great one? "I Got A Flat Tire, I Got A Flat Tire".

Wayne: Man, I didn't think that I'd be alive,
Drivin' down the four-oh-five,
All of a sudden, just like that,
My bus went "eeeeeeek", damn, I got a flat!
Oh, that's right,
Makes me want to retire,
Yeah baby,
I've got a flat tire.
I've got a flat, uh, flat, uh,
You know what to do,
I got a flat, dm ch ch, say what?
I've got a flat. Ow!

Songs of the Butcher

(Episode 11.08) - Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: I, no, don't, don't touch that channel!
Colin: Don't.
Ryan: We've got a special offer for you. "Songs of the Butcher", a 2 CD set. Nothing but hits, we've trimmed the fat.
Both: (laugh)
Ryan: (stares at Colin)
Colin: Bell-bottoms, platform shoes, glitter, afros. But enough about Ryan. That also reminds me of disco. And one of the best hits on this 2 CD... compilation...
Ryan: Set.
Colin: Set, is the great disco hit, "Tenderize This!"

Wayne: (John Travolta pose and combs his afro)
Hey, listen to me, yeah it's no surprise,
Let me see that big old thing you use to tenderize,
You're looking at me, you're treating me like a piece of meat,
So come over here, and use that thing to beat.
Oh, I've got some loving that you don't want to miss,
So let me get real naked so you can tenderize this!
(dances and hits things with a tenderizer)

Ryan: You know, as a special bonus, if you order by midnight, what will they receive?
Colin: They will receive it earlier than if they ordered it later.
Ryan: That's right.
Colin: Now, a special bonus of these 2 CDs...
Ryan: A bonus?
Colin: That's right. We have songs of relatives of famous people. Who can forget the famous song by Ray Charles' cousin, Buddy, "Who's Got The Pork?"

Wayne: Now listen, women think I'm a dork,
Oh I love your white meat, give me that pork,
Oh listen, ladies think that you're mighty big.
Oh, I love my pig, and then I love my pork,
I love my piggy, when I take it to work,
Oh give me pork, that's what I say, oh yeah,
I want my pork, don't know white meat, I want it today.
Pork it out! Thankyou very much. Pork it! Pork it! Pork it! Thankyou. There!

Ryan: Do you know, Colin, we're not just offering this deal in this country, we're offering this to people throughout the world, because Songs of the Butcher transcends so many borders and boundaries.
Colin: That's right.
Ryan: Who could ever forget the song that was on the hit parade, the ska hit, "Wieners, Legs and Chops".

Wayne: Oh, that's right now, man. Yes.
Now become me see the type of meat you get suck,
Me know you realizing of the wiener and the chuck,
You take out the wiener and you put it in your mouth,
You take out the wiener, put it in your mouth, and then you wiggle it about.
Because the wiener, the chuck and the wiener, the wiener is the chuck and the hot dog go,
Because me like to eat, and then me eat again,
And after that is finished, man, it ain't no joke,
Me like to take the wiener and then me have a smoke.
Sing the wiener,
Me smoke the wiener,
Come again now!
Smoke the wiener!

Ryan: Please, order now! Order now, won't you? Give money to us!

Songs of Camping in the Wild

(Episode 10.04) - Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hi!
Colin: Hi!
Ryan: We'll be back to your movie, "The Man Who Would Be Queen", in just a few moments. But first we have an offer for you.
Colin: Camping. Brings back lovely memories.
Ryan: Mmmm.
Colin: And who can not help but be moved by the wonderful music of the campground?
Ryan: I know I am... (cries)
Colin: Oh stop... oh...
Ryan: I remember as a child growing up, spending those days out there, my father would have on the radio, one of my favourites in that era of course, the 60's protest song, "Hand Me Some Leaves".

Wayne: Eeeahhhh... (waves lighter)
Well I gone in the woods, not my type,
I went behind the bushes, ooh I gotta wipe.
But let me tell you something, in my dreams,
Hey you stop staring at me and hand me some leaves!

Ryan: Boy that brings back some memories. Poison ivy for one.
Colin: Oh... I don't remember that song at all. But that's easy, because on this fifty CD set, it's hard to remember all the songs!
Ryan: How much would you pay for a fifty CD set?
Colin: Me personally, I'd pay well over 300 pounds or dollars.
Ryan: Well, this is well over 300 pounds or dollars. It's 310 pounds.
Colin: Amazing. You know one of my favourite?
Ryan: I bet I do!
Colin: That great reggae hit, "What's That Noise?"

Wayne: (imitates long hair with hand)
Oh oh eh oh oh oh eh eh,
Listen man, come now.
Now let me, me tell you sometin',
That me think ain't no good,
Me like to hike and camp,
And then me come out to the wood.
Me got meself a lot of food,
That me don't like to share.
Roar! Oh my goodness what is that noise,
And could it be a bear?
A bear.
(steel drums) Do do do do do do do do do do,
Do do do do do do do do.

Ryan: You know, I don't feel like selling any of these CDs. I feel like keeping 'em all. Can I do that?
Colin: No, we need the money! We have another lovely song, that great motown hit... and here's the title... "Look At The Different... Things."

Wayne: Well, now tell me, now what do you see,
There goes some wood some ants and maybe a chipmunk in the tree.
There goes picnic apple, and there goes a little kid,
And there goes a jar of mustard fallen over and there's it's lid.
All these things in the forest, ai!
All these things in the forest, ai!
You got deer, you got mice,
You got squirrels, ain't that nice?
And there's a couple makin' love, say what?
Now there's a couple makin' love. Shucks!

Songs of the Chiropractor

(Episode 12.13) - Josie Lawrence & Wayne Brady perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hi. We'll return you to your movie presentation of "The Man Who Would Be Don King" in just a moment. But first, have we got a deal for you!
Colin: As long as people have been cracking each others' backs, it's set off music to make the heart sing. And we've come up with a collection of over eight thousand and fifty-three songs all about the chiropractor and the job they do.
Ryan: That's correct Colin, and not just songs from here in America, but songs all from all over the world. Almost missed a word there.
Colin: That's because you're drunk.
Ryan: Shhh! (touches Colin's arm)
Colin: Don't touch me.
Ryan: Including that number one hit tango song, "Crackety Crack, Don't Talk Back".

(Wayne cracks Josie's back, she dips him and cracks his too)
Wayne: Oh my back! (Josie: Oh ohhhh!)
It hurts so far. (Josie: Oh oh ohhh!)
So crickety-crack,
Why don't you crack my lower lumbar?
Josie: Do it to me good,
Oh that feels so fine. (Wayne cracks her back)
Why don't you just,
Manipulate my spine.
Wayne: Shh, so crickety-crack, don't talk back, just don't (Josie: Crickety-Crack)
Shh, don't crack, oh crack (Josie: Crickety-crack crack)
Shh, c-crack, c-crack crack (Josie: Crickety-crack crack on my back)
C-c-crack don't, ha, (Josie: Crack crack crickety-crack)
With the crick and the crack (Josie: And the crack)
And the don't talk
Both: Back.

(Colin wakes up Ryan by slapping him)
Colin: Songs of the chiropac... practor, is something you can... I knew I shouldn't have taken a nip.
Ryan: (drunk) Sorry.... no no, go go go. Songs of the Chiropractor go back many a many years.
Colin: Do they?
Ryan: Yes they were. And I know as a young black child growing up in the Bronx, none was more popular to me than that boogie-woogie hit, "Is That A Bulging Disc Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?".

Wayne: Oh tell me, what can I do,
Is something wrong with your L2,
Oh tell me tell me tell me, the part of the risk,
Is that a bulge bulge bulge bulging disc?
Or, don't you see,
Are you happy to see me?
Meshoodly doo doo, doo doo, my back!
Josie: Are you taking a funny line,
Is there something wrong with your spine,
Don't worry about your back,
All you need is a little crack.
Your shoulders, they will all feel fine,
Come on, come and sing this spine song.

Ryan: Hey, Colin!
Colin: Yes, Ryan?
Ryan: How many songs are on this 2-D... CD set? 2-CC... 2-D... CD set?
Colin: I mentioned it earlier. If you weren't listening, tough ... Oh, have a coffee. You know, we have songs from almost every era. And one of my favourites is this great Gilbert and Sullivan song, "Readjustin'-Justin' While The Wind Is Gustin' Gustin'".

Wayne: I'm a general you know,
Oh alas and alack and alack,
And a crick and a crack all the way to my back,
And though I do not 'cause my back it's a bust,
Oh help me adjust-just-just.
Josie: I will help you adjust-just-just,
I'll crack and crack your back,
I will crack your back,
When you have a rheumatoid attack.
Crack-crack-crack I'll crack them then (Wayne: Crack crack crack when the wind)
While you have such a rheumatoid attack (Wayne: And the wind and I must adjust)
And when you have your back away (Wayne: And adjustin' adjustin' the crack in the wind)
I'll help you so. (Wayne: And the crack and the lower lumbar)
Both: ????

Songs of Dallas

(Episode 21.01) - Wayne Brady & Gary Anthony Williams perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Colin: Hi, we'll be right back to our movie with Liam Neeson as a man who rescues the wrong woman in "Miss-Taken"... hey have you ever been to Dallas?
Ryan: I have never b... yes I have. It's a lot like Houston.
Colin: Yes.
Ryan: But without the culture.
Colin: Well, it's one place I wouldn't vacation in, for you...
Ryan: Ha ha don't worry, I won't. You know, when I think Dallas and I think songs about Dallas, I can't help but think of, well, all the exotic animals around there. Which makes me think of The Lion King. And you know, when I think...
Colin: I was wondering where you were going with that. I still don't know.
Ryan: I still don't know myself. You know, when I think about Dallas and I think about The Lion King, I think of a song that was on top of the charts for a day. And you know, that big hit favourite, you know which one I'm talking about...
Colin: No!
Ryan: Long Boots and Short Horses.
Colin: Ohhhhh.

Wayne: Savayaaaa!
Gary: Sayeeeh!
Wayne: Toomayafamahevayeehhh!
Gary: Heyyaaah
Wayne: How you goin' to get on top of your horse, (Gary: Chik-aaah chik-aaah)
If your horse is only just, (Gary: Chik-aaah chik-aaah)
Tall horse and your boots they come up,
To your crotch and you like walkin' like this so,
Both: Ohhhhh, hoahhh,
Wayne: Tall boots, short horse,
Big space, horse run away.
Gary: Everything in life my friend,
Everything's so funny, (Wayne: Shoobagoobeyyy)
Especially when you get on top,
Of a teeny weeny pony. (Wayne: Pratigabee)
Ah short horse, Both: tall boots,
Short horse, tall boots,
Short horse, talls boots,
Ta-tall-ta-tall tall boots.
Gary: Oohhhhhh!
Wayne: Mamadinaaaaaa!

Colin: Wow! That song just makes you want to hit Elton John.
Ryan: Ha ha haa! You know, ah Dallas I believe is in the state of... Texas?
Colin: Well done! Boy that night school has really helped...
Ryan: That's very close to the South. And you know how I love the South and my cajun music. Oh my god, when I think cajun songs and I think Dallas, they go together like pie and cake...
Colin: Yeah!
Ryan: That big cajun hit, Everything's Bigger.

Gary: Ahheeeeee!
Wayne: I guaranteee naje, let's go now.
Gary: Yeah, alright now, okay. (plays guitar, then washboard)
Wayne: Oooooh! (blows jug)
Gary: I tell you one ting my friend, you don't have the fever,
If you looking for something measuring up inside, well let me tell you here everything is bigger.
Wayne: I seen them girls, I took a chance (Gary: Aheee), I like to watch her walk (Gary: Ohyeah)
Because everything bigger, when I seen her booty, because they want to make me talk,
I go, ohhhh (wobbles mouth)
Both: Everything is bigger, ohhhh,
Everything is bigger oh yeah/here,
Everything is bigger, everything is bigger,
Everything is biggers over here.
Gary: I knew a man who was born one day, he was already bigger than his mother, (Wayne: Wha?!)
Yeah it's true, it's true, it's true, and he was six times bigger than his brother. (Wayne: My god?!)
Wayne: Now listen here, I guarantee, I don't come from Texas but none bigger than me,
And that is defence and I come hard in a sock, if I take, bigger gonna take my pants off.
Gary: Everything is bigger over here (Wayne: Over here!)
Everything is bigger over here (Wayne: Over here!)
Everything is bigger... even that?!
Both: Yeah, everything is bigger over here!

Songs of the Dentist

(Episode 12.01) - Wayne Brady & Chip Esten perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Colin: We'll be right back to our nature documentary, "Lippy the Lemming With An Alternate Lifestyle", in just a second.
Ryan: You know Colin, nobody likes to go to the dentist. But it might just be a little easier while listening to our three CD set with Songs of the Dentist.
Colin: Oh, are you kidding me?
Ryan: No, I'm not. There's songs from all over the world on this, including that number 1 salsa hit, "Just Say No...vocain."

Wayne: Oh before you put the drill in my mouth, don't be so dumb.
You better use a lot of Novocain to make my gums numb.
Chip: 'Cause if it hurts very much, out I must pass.
And I don't wany any of your laughing gas.
Wayne: So say No-vo-cain,
Chip: When you are fee-ling pain.
Wayne: Oh just say No-no-no-no,
Both: Vocain.

Ryan: Boy, this is a great selection of songs, Colin.
Colin: Well, we wouldn't be selling it if it was bad!
Both: (laugh)
Colin: Neil Diamond, Neil Young, Paul McCartney. Those are just some of the names of guys who can sing. But one of my favorites who's actually on this album is the incredible Wilson Pickett and, of course, that great hit of his, "It Has To Come Out".

Wayne: Huh!
Chip: Ow!
Wayne: Huh. All right, now. Whoo!
Hey now I took a trip to the dentist, I don't like him the best,
But I had to make a visit 'cause I had an abcess.
Chip: My little filling had rusted,
And that's why he had to pull my bicuspid.
Both: Oh!
Chip: It had to come out.
Wayne: Come one now! (pulls on his tooth)
Chip: (pulls on the tooth as well)
Wayne: (tooth comes out) Ooooow ow!
I said it had to,
Both: Come out!
Chip: Whhoooaah!
Wayne: Here we go, now.
Hey, I tried to use a doorknob, an anvil for gravity,
Lord try to help me pull that tooth, 'cause of the cavity.
Chip: Well my dentist really worked, he really was a trier,
At first he tried to drill, and then he tried the pliers.
Wayne: Oh he made me scream and shout,
Lord, it's,
Both: Got to come out.
Wayne: Lord,
Both: It's got to come out.
Chip: Baby, baby, there ain't no doubt.
Wayne: Ooh, ow.

Ryan: Boy.
Colin: That song never fails to bring a tear to my stomach lining. Speaking of which, heavy metal.
Ryan: Oh.
Colin: One of my... well, it's not my favourite, but I like it. It's that heavy metal classic, "I Ain't Wearin' No Braces".

Wayne: Now look at me, I'd like to eat meat. (Chip: Like meat!)
I think red meat, is a really good treat.
Chip: I'm in a lot of pain-ah, I should wear my retainer.
Wayne: I should wear braces, yeah yeah,
I don't give a damn, why don't you just look it,
I really don't care if my two front teeth are crooked, yeah.
Chip: I don't want them, just look at him,
His mouth is full all of aluminium.
Wayne: Yeah!
Both: (smash instruments)

Songs of the DIY Centre (Hardware Store)

(Episode 9.03) - Brad Sherwood & Mike McShane perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hi! We'll be back to your movie, "All Hands on Dick", in a moment. I'm Jerry...
Colin: And I'm Fabian.
Ryan: And we've got something to talk about. Something that's only going to take a minute of your time. Hey! Think back. The year is 1972. And we were listening to the top hit, "I'm Your Nail, So Hammer Me!". That disco song.

Brad: You're so cool,
I won't be your tool.
You're starting to make me,
Turn around, drop down and drool.
Won't you, hammer me baby?
Then we'll have time to screw.

Colin: Lovely...
Ryan: Boy, let me tell you, that sure brings back some memories for me.
Colin: Oh, I feel like hammering something right now.
Ryan: Hey, not me I hope!
Colin: No-o-ho-ho-ho! But this album is full of these kind of songs, it will just pull the memories out of your very heads. Who could forget the 60s, protest? Remember that great protest song, "What The Hell Is It With These Instructions?".

Mike: Oh, part X goes to part Y, then you die. (Brad: Part Y....)
What the hell's with these instructions? (Brad: Wha, wha, wha, wha...)
Flange B works into, (Brad: Flange B....)
Cog C. (Brad: Cog C....)
Are we all just part of the machine? (Brad: The machine....)
Know what I mean?
Brad: This thing needs fixin',
And we hate Richard Nixon.
Mike: So, what the hell's with these instructions? (Brad: Ooohhh!)

Ryan: You know, if you give us a call by midnight, you're all gonna all get a very special added song, aren't they?
Colin: Yes, they are. And I'm going to tell you about it right now.
Ryan: Do it.
Colin: It's that wonderful 70s reggae song, "What Have You Done With My Tool?"

Mike: What've you done, listen everybody up here,
I've been looking inside my toolbox for some time,
and there's something missing man,
This is the toolbox of Babylon.
I reach in for something and there is nothing to have. (Brad: Oh yeah!)
So what have you done?
What have you done with my tool?
Brad: Somebody stole my tool but I didn't catch it.
No no, no no, no no-no-no no no no no.
They walk away with my socket wrench and ratchet.
Both: Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.
Brad: And a little birdy came and said today, (Mike: Hey, hey, where the tool of day gone, man!)
And then the birdy took the tools away.
Mike: He took the tools away to this lot,
He take-a ba to-da-da-tools
And-he-take-em-away (etc.)
The tools are gone, oh yeah.
Brad: Oh yeah!

Songs of the Doctor

(Episode 12.33) - Wayne Brady & Chip Esten perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hi. We'll return you to Suddenly Snoozin' in just a moment. But first, have we got a deal for you!
Colin: The medical profession and music go together like French Fries and bananas. But ba..
Ryan: Hey Col, are you talking doctors?
Colin: Yes I am. Thanks for the help. You know... we have compiled a wonderful CD collection of music about doctors. The Bangles, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones - these are just some of the bands that have been to doctors. They're not on the album, but still there is a connection. You know in the 80s there was a 'new wave' (does wave hand movement) you could say, of music... 'new wave' (does wave movement)... boy those acting lessons really helped, haven't they? And one of the first groups doing that new wave music of course was Devo, and their great medical hit, "H.M.O.".

Chip: Ooh!
Wayne: Get a health plan.
Chip: Fill out that form!
Wayne: Do you have insurance?
What you got to do, case you didn't know,
In the U.S.A. you need an H.M.O.
The only problem with this understand,
You can only see a doctor when they want you to.
Chip: I know you came to see see me, (Wayne: Yeah!)
You have to pardon our bureaucracy.
And I think that if you cure your ills,
Then we will write prescription for these brand new pills.
Wayne: Get an H.M.O. (Chip: At your H.M.O.)
Wayne: Get an H.M.O.
Chip: H.M.O.
Wayne: Get an H.M.O.
Chip: H.M.O. (Wayne: H.M.O.)
Wayne: H.M.O.

Ryan: Good times.
Colin: Great times I'd say.
Ryan: Great memories... you know, I guess you've figured out by now that Colin and I like to take in a lot of theatre. And there's nothing we like more than showtunes.
Colin: Nothin'! (makes hand signal)
Ryan: That's... sorry?
Colin: No... yeah yeah, we love...
Ryan: No, no you look like you've got something urgent to say...
Colin: No, no we love showtunes. No.
Ryan: I think...
Colin: I'm married.
Ryan: I think one of our favourites is Rodger's and Hammerstein's hit, "Take Two and Call Me In The Morning".

Wayne: Hey Pa!
Chip: What is it son?
Wayne: I got a splittin' headache the size of Arkansas!
Chip: Whoo!
I know what can cure your ills,
My boy take just two pills,
And you'll be fine. (Wayne: I'll be fine!)
Wayne: Pa (Chip: Yeah?), tell me is that what you're sayin',
If I take these tablets, they'll cure my migraine? (Chip: Yeah!)
Chip: Well your headache's as big as the nation,
That's why I'm writing this prescription,
And I am just gonna give you these pills and...
You won't have a predeliction to take another one.
(does arm thrust... they both start cracking up)
Wayne: Pa...
Chip: Yee hehehe he.
Wayne: You're crazy!

Ryan: You know the year that song was written, they were quite heavy into the bottle.
Colin: That's right. And funny enough, that show closed three hours before it opened.
Ryan: Ah.
Colin: You know...
Chip: Oh man...
Colin: You know (coughs)... oh, I need a doctor.
Both: Ha ha ha.
Colin: Whoah, I break me up. You know, the 50s seemed to be the time when music and doctors really seemed to collide.
Ryan: Mmmm. Mmm hmmm. Mmmmm hmmm.
Colin: Yeah?
Ryan: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Colin: As we're gonna see in this great hit by Chubby Checker, "Cough While I Twist".

Wayne: Here we go. Whooohoo!
Now come on everybody, drop your pants. (Chip: Drop 'em. Drop your pants!)
Welcome to the doctor's office, here's a brand new dance. (Chip: Brand new dance!)
I'm sure that you're gonna love,
When I put on this glove.
Now cough while I twist, (Chip: Cough while I twist!)
Ah cough while I twist, (Chip: Well cough while I twist!)
I said cough while I twist, (Chip: Ah cough while I twist!)
I said cough while I twist, (Chip: Ah cough while I twist!)
I said cough while I twist, (Chip: Yeah)
Cause it goes a little somethin' like this. (Chip: Whooo!)
Chip: Now don't you mind while these I hold,
I'm sorry if my hands are a little cold,
Now cough, just cough while I twist. Yeah. (Wayne: Come on!)
Don't worry, I won't take them off,
Just turn your head to the left and cough. Yeah!
(they dance)
Wayne: Just cough!

Songs of the Dog Walker

(Episode 12.04) - Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

(audience suggestions include 'Songs of the English Teacher')

Ryan: Hi. We'll be back to your special movie, "Full of Monty", in just a moment. But first, have we got a deal for you!
Colin: The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Spingsteen; these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.
Ryan: You know, there's so many hits on this song that it was hard to compile them in just this... set.
Colin: Boy, we should have songs of the English teacher to help you out!
Ryan: Stop it now... you know, I think one of my favourite songs on this set is that bluegrass hit, "Scoop It Up!"

Wayne: Oh, I had me a dog and dog was super,
But he pooped on the lawn so you keep a pooper scooper,
And I had to scoop up all his doody.
Because every day that he wouldn't go on,
And he went on and on, in a neighbour's lawn,
And then I would have to spank his doggy booty.
So don't you understand, 'cause they're pooping man,
As cooper scooper, tha tha that is super,
My pooper scooper.

Ryan: Oh...
Colin: What are you doing?
Ryan: My wife and I played that song at our wedding.
Colin: The marriage only lasted a week!
Ryan: Oh stop...
Colin: You know... you know, in the 1970s when I was in high school, I belonged to a... a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school. But funk is still very close to my heart, and it brings me great pleasure to introduce this great funk hit, "Don't Be Sniffin' There!"

Wayne: Ow. Yeah, yeah, babababy.
Don't you see at the dog park I jam,
Sniffing on my butt to find out what sex I am,
Don't sniff that, no no,
Don't sniff sniff that, no no.
Because that part is mine,
Don't sniff on my behind,
Don't sniff that, ow, break it down.
Don't sniff that! Yeaaahhhbow.

Ryan: Hey Col, how much would you pay for a five hundred CD set such as this?
Colin: I'm not telling you!
Ryan: You know Colin...
Colin: What, Ryan?
Ryan: When I want to get romantic with the third wife, there's only one song, one song that really seems to do it.
Colin: What would that be?
Ryan: That would be the very romantic Neville Brothers hit, "No More Soft Food For You".

Wayne: Aha-he-haa-hae-ha.. ah-ha.
Because my doggy-y, is thirteen years old,
And she can't chew anything hard, no mo-o-ore.
All night and da-ay she cries and moans,
It feels like she's passing a ki-idney stone,
Oh dog-gy, no more soft foods for you-ou-ah-ah-ah.

Songs of the Exterminator

(Episode 12.03) - Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Colin: We'll be back to our nature documentary, "Baggy - the Anorexic Elephant", in just a second.
Ryan: You know... hey Colin,
Colin: Yes Ryan?
Ryan: Question: Is this CD set safe for the kid?
Colin: Answer: yes it is! And not only that, it's cholestorol free... alright, moving right along...
Ryan: We've put together 60 songs on a 2 CD set about the exterminator.
Colin: That's right. We have more hits than Dodgers opponents. And we're gonna start off with one of our favourite rockabilly straight from the Stray Cats, "Oooh, A Spider".

Wayne: Hey,
Well I just moved in to a house just the other day,
When I saw an arachnid coming right my way,
That thing was so big that I coulda ride her,
Oh my God, it's a spider!
Come on little spider, why don't you make your will?
Oh little spider, you have got eight legs,
Oh spider, don't you see?
(high pitched) Help me!

Ryan: You know the range of artists on this CD set is incredible. I think one of my favourites would be the great Eartha Kitt hit - Kitt hit!
Ryan & Colin: A ha ha ha ha!
Ryan: ... the great Eartha Kitt hit, "You Go Under The House!"

Wayne: (lying on piano)
Rrrr, darling.
I just moved in to a new placcccce,
But under the house, there's a place I can't face.
Rrrrr, you need to find some Raid on the shelf,
And go under the house, your own damn self!
Under the houuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse!
Under the house, 'cause I'm afraid of the spiders, and of the moussssse.

Colin: Still brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Ryan: It sure does... those days are gone.
Colin: Yeah. But are they...? Yeah, they are.
Ryan: They are.
Colin: But you know, we have more hits than you can possibly... think about. One of my personal favourite artists, is the wonderful artist named Cher. And although I love much of her late stuff, her early stuff was the stuff that I really, really loved.
Ryan: It was good stuff.
Colin: Let's not say stuff any more.
Ryan: Okay!
Colin: But do you remember this great hit - "Ants, Rats and Gypsy Moths"?

Wayne: Oh,
There, someone said, over there,
I've got rodents and pests, stuck in my hair.
Oh Lordy please forgave me,
I need someone to save me,
From the ants, the roaches and the gypsy moths.
Oh, the gypsy moths they bite my feet. Oho.
And the ants they move to this beat. Oh.
Gypsy moths ohololedllo,
Ohlalalo the gypsy moths.

Songs of the Farmyard (Barnyard)

(Episode 9.09) - Brad Sherwood performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hi! It's 5 o'clock and you want to have a party. But you just haven't got the right music, have they, Teddy?
Colin: No.
Ryan: But you will with new "Hits of the Barnyard". Who could ever forget that German drinking song, "You're Just A Chicken, But What The Cluck!"?

Brad: You're just a chicken, but what the cluck,
I'm a man who's full of luck.
I will give my chicken a feel,
Pull down my lederhosen and my glockenspiel.

Ryan: Many a night of heavy petting I've had to that song.
Colin: Oh, that song always fails to bring a tear to my eye. Who could forget that great punk song...
Ryan: I forgot that one!
Colin: "Is that an ear of corn or are you just happy to see me?"

Brad: Oi!
Come on let's go out and try to dance,
I've got a rutebager and you got corn in your pants,
I got paper clips in my nose, and a pin in my ear,
So back away from me 'cause I've got a chicken in my ear.
Back off, right!

Ryan: You know, a lot of these songs are great but there's only one song that stayed on the top 10 list for over 12 weeks.
Colin: I think I know which one you're about to mention.
Ryan: I'm talking that very romantic French ballad, "You may be just a horse but you got a hell of an ass!"

Brad: I want to take you, and gallop away,
I love you my horse, you're Maurice Chevalier.
I love your ass 'cause it is, so tight and round,
And when I jump on your saddle, I'm up off the ground.
Oh... I love you, you are my horse,
You're my true love, and you caused my divorce.

Songs of the Firefighter

(Episode 13.03) - Chip Esten & Wayne Brady perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Colin: Hi. We'll be right back to the Missing Letter production of "When Harry Et Sally" in just a second. But first, have we got something for you! Ryan: Hey Col!
Colin: Yes?
Ryan: Do you smell something?
(Ryan sniffs around, Colin looks worried)
Ryan: No, you don't. You don't sell, smell smoke do you?
Colin: No... smoke, no!
Ryan: That's because we have firemen to keep those type of things under control.
Colin: Why that's right!
Ryan: And we've composed 40 songs on 20 CDs all about the fireman.
Colin: You know you can barely think about firemen without wanting to hum a song... maybe that's just me.
Ryan: Hahaha. What do you think of, Colin, when I say "beaches and barbecues"?
Colin: Cottage cheese. Nothing like putting the old cottage cheese on the grill, and frying it up, and...
Ryan: You and your Canadian traditions. You know... it makes me think of the Beach Boys, one of my favourite groups of all time, and of course that song of theirs that was on the charts for 43 weeks, "Slidin' Down The Pole".

Wayne & Chip: Well...
Wayne: Let me tell you something, when I start singin',
Drrrrt listen to the alarm ringin',
Oh man I gotta jump down the hole,
A fireman loves to slide down the pole,
Chip: Yeah somebody will come to harm, (Wayne: Bap-badooo)
If we hear that big alarm, (Wayne: Bap-badooo)
It's all brass and I won't fall on my (Wayne: Bap-badoooo)
Wayne: Well...
Chip: We gotta, Wayne: Slide. (slides down Chip)
Chip: Slide down, down the pole,
Wayne: I'm gonna slide.
Chip: Slide slide down, down the pole,
Wayne: I'm gonna slide.
Chip: I'm gonna sla-slide down, down the pole.
Wayne: I'm gonna slide, down the pole.
Chip: I'm gon-wooooooh. Yeah!
Wayne: We're gonna slide slide slide sa-slide sa-slide,
Chip: Sa-sa-sa-we-slide, slide down the pole.
Wayne: We got to, we got to slide sa-slide on the pole.
Chip: I gotta, I got my ba-slide, we slide down the pole.
Wayne: Because we slide, we fall,
Chip: And then uh, we sa-sa-ba-ba, fallin',
Both: Down on the pole!
Chip: Yeah!

Ryan: You can have your alternative music, give me the Beach Boys any day!
Colin: Well, remember the restraining order.
Ryan: (looks embarrassed)
Colin: You know I love the old rock too. I love Queen.
Ryan: Oohhhhh!
Colin: Oh I... there's nothing better than singing in the shower with Queen.
Ryan: Oh, and she has done such a job with England.
Colin: No, no. No the uh.. the band, the band Queen.
Ryan: I know!
Colin: Anyway one of my favourite Queen songs is of course, "We Will Hose You".

Wayne: There's a little fire and I see the man with the hose that is me,
Chip: When I see you there I know I'm going to squirt you one two three,
Wayne: Oh my goodness move out of the way, don't cry,
Because my water pressure's coming at three thousand PSI! (Chip: Iiii!)
Because I,
Chip: So I know the thing I'll turn, (Wayne: I! Hose! You!)
So you will not burrrrrn, eeeeee!
Wayne: Because I want to know, who can hose, I know,
Chip: I want to spray you I am going...
Wayne: I hose when I fight, because I'm with someone
Chip: To spray you with my hose my hose.
Wayne: My hose myself and I can whip the water ou-out!
Chip: I want to if you call my engine I will come and spray with my
Both: Hoooooooooose!
Chip: I push my,
Wayne: Oh you,
Chip: My!
Wayne: Hose!
Chip: I'm proud of my,
Both: Hoooooooose!

Colin: We're gonna have to call some firemen to put you out!
Ryan: Oh hoh, mercury's risin'! You know, that isn't the only song we have from faraway countries. No no, you know Latin is so popular.
Colin: Oh, and people say Latin is a dead language.
Ryan: No it's not! It's a language too?
Colin: Yeah!
Ryan: Latin pop is a music... it's music. And I think one of my favourite Latin... well it's actually the only Latin pop song I've ever heard. But it is my favourite.
Colin: Keep going.
Ryan: "Four days on, two weeks off".

Wayne: Because the fire, it makes Enrique hot. Are you ready Ricky?
Chip: I'm burning up! (dances)
Wayne: Hup, heya,
I've got a great job,
I only work two days tops,
Because I know, I never tire,
Of the fa-firrre!
Chip: Being a fireman, it's so fun,
When they call and they say "Squad 51!",
Oh I know that I won't get a cough,
From too much smoke, four days on two weeks off ah!
Wayne: Four days on.
Both: Two weeks off.
Four days on. (Wayne: Ha ha ha!)
Two weeks off! (Chip: Ohoh)
Four days on.
Two weeks off.
Four days on.
Chip: And two weeks,
Wayne: And two weeks,
Both: Ooooofffffff!
Two weeks oooooofffff!
Two weeks oooooooooofffff!

Songs of Football

(Episode 12.26) - Wayne Brady & Brad Sherwood perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hi. I'm Neil Patrick Harris. Many of you know me from my days on Doogie Howser. But I'm here today with a great bargain for you.
Colin: Football and music, music and football. No matter what order you put it in, it makes no sense. But we've come up with over 13,000 songs based on football. Barbra Streisand, The Beatles, Rolling Stones, these are just some of the artists whose relatives perform on this CD.
Ryan: Some of these songs have been around for decades. Why, I remember back in the 70s while I was having a shooter, I was listening to this number one disco hit, "Who's That Tight End?"

Wayne: Oooh-ooh.
Brad: Oooh-ooh.
Wayne: Oooh-ooh. (points to someone)
Brad: Oooh-ooh.
Wayne: Hooo-ooh.
Brad: OOoooh.
Wayne: Oommhhh.
You're the kind of man that I like, (Brad: OOoooooooooh)
Bend over, give me the ball, and lift me up high, (Brad: Ooooooooh)
I'm the Quarterback, I'll be your friend, (Brad: Ooooooooh)
You must be a new trade, who's that tight end?
Brad: Tight end. (Wayne: Tight end)
Do the tight end dance.
Tight end. (Wayne: Tight)
Shake your tight end pants (Wayne: To the...)
Tight end.
Do the tight end dance. (Wayne: Pants!)
Tight end.
It's time to make romance.
Do the tight end!
(both turn and shake butts)

Ryan: You know Colin, these songs aren't just loved in here in America, they're loved all over the world. Colin, what comes to your mind when I say the word Kremlin?
Colin: Jack. Spratt.
Ryan: ... who grew up in Russia! And Russia has its own version of a lot of these songs.
Colin: Really?
Ryan: Yes, who could ever forget that number one Russian ballad, "Dallas 7, Green Bay 10".

Wayne: Because I'm betting money, how soon I will be dead,
If I lose my money, Dallas, a ten point spread.
Brad: I think I've lost my money, once and once again,
Because of course Dallas won 'cause Green Bay only scored ten.
Wayne: They only scored the ten and Dallas won so now I see that I,
Because I lose my money, oh, I think I will die. Hey!
Brad: I can't believe he couldn't make the pass,
It seemed like Brett Favre had his thumbs in his as...htray.
Wayne: What are you doing, the man from Dallas,
Why don't you punt and run, from like you have some balance, hey!
Brad: I bet a thousand dollars on you, they will take my thumbs,
I am so afraid of losing I am going to go numb.
Wayne: Hey!
Brad: Hey!
Wayne: Hey!
Brad: Hey!
Wayne: Hey.
Brad: Hey! Hey.
Wayne: Hey.

Ryan: Don't tell me there weren't any effects from Chernobyl.
(they laugh, then nudge each other to speak)
Colin: You know... you know, and if you order now, we'll send you free one of Ryan Stiles' shoes, which comfortably seats four. You know... One of my favourite groups of all times has to be the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And they're great football fans, as witnessed by this great song, "I Said Punt."

Brad: What you want,
When you play football,
Is to,
Get it down the field, get it down the field, get it down the field, get it down the field!
Wayne: Throw the ball, throw the ball and run,
Throw the ball, throw the ball and run,
Oops, it's fourth and twenty son,
Oops, you ..., I mean punt.
Brad: That's quite a stunt, (Wayne: Throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball)
I just said punt, (Wayne: Throw the ball, throw the ball)
You dirty little runt, (Wayne: Throw it!)
Yes I said punt, so, (Wayne: Throw the ball!)
Throw the ball, throw the ball,
Both: Throw the ball now.
Throw the ball, throw the Brad: ball,
Both: Throw the Brad: ball now, (Wayne: Throw the, throw the)
Brad: Throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball now, (Wayne: Throw it, throw it)
Throw throw ball go go and throw the ball now!

Songs of the Gas Station

(Episode 7.10) - Josie Lawrence performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: The year was 1965. I was at my high school grad dancing to the number one love ballad of that year, Bobby C with "Fill Me Up With Love".

Josie: I'll be your fuel. You be my fool.
So fill me up, come baby, pump, pump, pump.

Ryan: Boy that brings back memories, doesn't it Jimmy?
Colin: It certainly does. The summer of love, the summer of gas.
Ryan: Sixty-four albums including this number one country and western hit, "Hey, do those windows baby".

Josie: So do those windows baby, rub my mirror clean.
I wanna see through my window, I wanna see it gleam.
And baby, baby, baby, I think you're oh so sweet,
A petrol attendant like you should join me on the back seat.

Colin: Oh, every song a hit, every hit a song. Hey, how can you forget that incredible torch? song, "Hey, Hands Off My Muffler!"

Josie: Hands off my muffler, don't you know where it's been.
Hands off my muffler, or I'll cover you in gasoline.

Ryan: And if you act by Friday you'll recieve the song that's the ballad of generations to come... you know what that title is, don't you Jimmy?
Colin: Sure, it's that great disco hit, "Lube Up!".

Josie: Lube Up. Whoah! Get Down.
Lube Up. Fill me up now. Get Down.
Well I'm running out of gasoline on the motorway,
I pull over to a fuel station and this is what I say,
Everybody Lube Up, Get Down.
Get your pump out, fill me up now.

Ryan: Order it now!

Songs of Golf

(Episode 12.07) - Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hi. We'll return you to your regular scheduled program, but first - HAVE WE GOT A DEAL FOR YOU?!
Colin: It's okay. Golf. Just the sound of it makes you want to sing about it, doesn't it. That's why we've compiled over three songs, all to do with golf.
Ryan: Oh... we've got another song!
Colin: Four! You know, and golf has been around for years and years, ...
Ryan: Oh, twenty, twenty-four...
Colin: fact the first song that was ever recorded about golf was done by the old vaudeville team Niblick and Driver, and that great hit, "Grab My Putter!".

Brad: Hey Niblick!
Wayne: Hey Driver!
Brad: You know how to take a few strokes off your game?
Wayne: Yes, now let's go golfin'!
Both: Ohhh!!
Brad: I was wearing my favourite fancy jeans,
And I was out there on the putting greens,
And then all of a sudden someone grabbed my putter.
Wayne: And then I was so shocked and amazed,
And it left me in a daze,
That all I could do was swing and s-s-s-s-stutter.
Brad: Grab hold of my putter baby, (Wayne: Grab on hold!)
Grab hold of my putter now, (Wayne: Oh please grab hold!)
Grab hold of my putter baby, (Wayne: Grab hold there baby!)
And watch me have a cow, hey!
Wayne: Hey, Mr Driver?
Brad: Yes, Mr Niblick?
Wayne: What would you call an actress if she weren't a big driver?
Brad: I don't know, what would you call her?
Wayne: Minnie Driver!
Both: Ohhhhh!
Wayne: That's my putter!
Brad: Cha yah cha bah!

Ryan: All I can say is, thank God for technology. You know Colin, growing up as a young boy in the wheat fields of Saskatchewan, I know I listened to a lot of the old beach hits, as you did.
Colin: Oh, nothing better than that surfing in wheat fields.
Ryan: Hah, and I think one of my favourites is that big number one hit, "Fore!"

Brad: Ooooooh.
Both: Ooooooh!
Wayne: Well I'm driving along, and I'm driving 'long in my golf cart. (Brad: In his golf cart, in his golf cart)
And I'm wearing my Klus golf clothes that I got from K-Mart. (Brad: Oooh from K-Mart, from fi fi K-Mart)
Brad: And I got my stick, and I'm gonna swing, yeah. (Wayne: Whoah whooo, gonna, gonna swing.)
And I'm gonna try and get the ball right in the thing.
Wayne: So-so-so-so, so,
One two three, (swings) fore! (Brad: Foooore!)
One two three, (swings) fore! (Brad: Foooore!)
One two three, (swings) fore! (Brad: Foooore!)
I guess golfers can't count any more! (Brad: Fooore!)
They say one two three, a-three and fore, (Brad: Fooore!)
I'm gonna run out, do no more (Brad: Fooore!)
Because the golfers, (Brad: Fore!)
They only can count (Brad: Fore!)
Wayne: to... Both: Fore!

Ryan:Colin and I travel a lot selling this CD pack, and a lot of times we stay in hotels. And we hear some of the best music in small lounges and little far-away hotels. And I think one of our favourite old lounge hits is "Hey, A Squirrel Chewed My Bag!"

Wayne: (trumpets)
There's nothing cool, man.
There's nothing cooool, man.
When you take your bag out on the green,
And a squirrel chews a hole in it, I've seen.
Brad: Well a sneaky little squirrel came up, and he did not make a sound, (Wayne: Uh-uh!)
He chewed my bag, and my tees, and my balls fell on the ground (Wayne: Drop drop, oh...)
Wayne: A squirrel he chewed my bag and my balls fell out,
Both: A squirrel he chewed my bag and my balls fell out.
Wayne: My balls... fell... ooouut. (Brad: It makes me want to shout!)

Songs of the Hospital

(Episode 21.07) - Wayne Brady & Brad Sherwood perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Ugh....
Colin: What's the matter?
Ryan: I just can't stop passing stones. I've passed 13 stones today, Colin, and they're very painful.
Colin: You should go to the hospital!
Ryan: The hospital? What's that?!
Colin: It's a place where sick people go.
Ryan: Really?
Colin: Ah woah, when I think of that, I think music! As you know, or maybe you don't know that cos I still have some secrets...
Ryan: I doh-, I don't, cos, ba-boo coo (makes crazy look)
Colin: .... yeah. I love Korean Pop.
Ryan: Korean Pop?! (pops a can and drinks)
Colin: No. I'm talking about my dad, I'm adopted.
Ryan: Oh.
Colin: One of my great favourites, it brings back so many lovely memories...
Ryan: Korean pop songs?
Colin: Yeah.
Ryan: Oh there's so many.
Colin: Oh we-well, especially this one, it was a Korean pop song with Johnny Cash.
Ryan: Oh.
Colin: Yeah.
Ryan: What do they call Johnny Cash over there?
Colin: Johnny. So ah... sit back and enjoy this great Korean pop featuring Johnny Cash, "I Just Sewed Up My Watch In You".

Wayne: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting... Johnny (Johnny) Cash! (Cash!... Cash!...)
Brad: (Johnny) Well I just sewed my watch in you, you see,
It's keeping perfect time internally.
Hold on to that watch until the next time that I see ya,
Cos I love you way down deep inside my Seoul, South Korea.
Wayne: Sudi kera tura seter,
Yu kera sad oh yeder,
Pu kera fadu se,
Sewed my watch in you! Hey!
Si keru tuyu sedyu car yo yip,
Su disinfectant, po get to suru gloves.
Brad: Siro pocon yeh, abyer anyeh,
Oh Sira cop tron pier grop gin yeder.
Wayne: Well.
Both: Siro cop tin yerrr!

Ryan: A lot of people don't know this, but Johnny Cash recorded that song while sitting on a washing machine.
Colin: Yeah!
Ryan: I love my metal.
Colin: (knocks on Ryan's head)
Ryan: No my medal, I won a medal!
Colin: Oh wow!
Ryan: Yeah!
Colin: Oh for what?
Ryan: Kidding. I'm talking heavy metal. I'm talking power metal. There's metal, then there's heavy metal, then there's power metal. That's when they plug their guitars in twice! And who could ever forget that power metal song, "I.C.U."

Brad: I've feel ever so sick, I would not want to be,
Here with the angels of glory.
I keep on going but I will not be you,
I see you, but I'll be in the I.C.U.
Wayne: (growled) Where would you be if your body was a thing yet on that bed,
Where would you be you will tell me and I hear it's what I said,
There are thing you'll get that to your face and in your bell,
Because you feel it and you're soul readies a ditty well,
The I.C.U. is where I see you. I! C! U!
I.C.U. is where I see you, I! C! U!
Brad: Visions of anasthaesia before me,
You will have to go to the I.C.U. (Wayne: Beeeeeeeepppp....)
Flatline. Flatline.
Dead, dead, flatline flatline.
Wayne: I see! (Brad: Flatline dead!) I see!
I see! (Brad: Flatline dead.) I see!
I see! I see!
I see!
Brad: I. C. U!

Songs for Hypochondriacs

(Episode 10.01) - Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hahahaa.... we'll be right back to your regular scheduled show "Touched By An Uncle" in just a moment. But right now... we've got an album that you do not want to miss.
Colin: You know, sometimes you feel you're sick but you're not really. What you need is some music to relax to, and we've come up with some of the greatest hits for you hypochondriacs. Over fif-
Both: -ty thousand songs.
Ryan: On this album.
Colin: And this is one of the best. The all-time greatest reggae hit, "Does It Look Swollen To You?"

Wayne: No man, look at my wee holdin',
Am I wrong or me think my thing is swollen.
Listen to me man, me canna talk because,
I gotta (patik?) back like this man,
And me backside could not walk.
Because it's swollen. (Brad: Swollen!)
It's swollen. (Brad: Swollen!)
It's swollen. (Brad: Swollen!)

Colin: I dare you not to be swollen after you've heard that.
Ryan: I know I am...
Both: Right now.
Ryan: You know, I remember when I got my first kiss.
Colin: Really?
Ryan: The year was 1975 and I got it to a wonderful beer-drinking German song, "I've Got Them And They Hang Like Grapes".

Wayne: Ach du lieber!
Brad: I've got them and they hang like grapes,
They hang so low like Planet of the Apes,
Every time I wear a bandana,
A monkey shimmies up to me and tries to peel my banana.
Both: Ha!

Ryan: You know, later on I went on to marry that girl.
Colin: Not interesting at all. But you know, every song is a hit, every hit is a song. It doesn't matter if you're nine or ninety, except if you're ninety you have to turn it up a bit 'cause you're old.
Ryan: Let's boogie down!
Colin: What are you saying?!
Ryan: I'm saying mirrored balls, shooters, and shoes that were way damn too high. In the Disco hit, "Marry You I Can't, I've Got A Penile Implant".

Brad: Ooh ooh! (Wayne: Ooh ooh!)
Ooh ooh! (Wayne: Ooh ooh!)
Wayne: I see you there, I watch you when you dance,
You're lookin' at me, gold chain and tight ass pants.
You want to get some, you're saying I've got the most,
But I've got to warn you girl before you get too close!
Brad: Don't you worry, 'cause I'm no chump,
Just reach around and start inflating my pump!
It gets ten inches if it even gets an inch,
Come on baby, grab my pump and give a pinch!

Songs of the Lifeguard

(Episode 11.09) - Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hi. We'll be back to your movie "The Buns of Nabarone" in just a minute. But first, get out those checkbooks, 'cause we have got a deal for you.
Colin: Sand, water, muscles, gleaming things. It all spells the beach. And yet, the beach can be a dangerous place. That's why we have people we call lifeguards, and throughout the ages, lifeguards have been sung about in song and in song, because that's the only way you can sing about them.
Ryan: Little less coffee next time, huh?
Colin: I guess so.
Ryan: That's right, different styles of songs, all about the lifeguard. Who could ever forget that grace... great... or grace, I say grace because it's a gospel hit, "Shark, Shark, I Think I See A Shark!"

Wayne: Now, I'm waiting for you to fill me with your power, yeah,
Oh I'm getting nice and brown up here in my watch tower,
Oh look at that, my terror begins,
There goes a blonde lady being chased by a fin.
It's a shark, whoah,
Oh it's a shark.
Run girl run!
Better swim, Lord make her swim!
Get away from him!
Hey, hey,
Lord, Lord, oh believe what I saw,
Get away from him!
'Cause a little blonde surfer girl got eaten by Jaws!
Oh yeah,
Bye, girl, bye!
(blows whistle and applies sunscreen)

Ryan: You know, there's over 300 songs on this 2 T... TD... I'm having problems speaking today.
Colin: It's that darn coffee! Well, let's go right on to our next song, the great salsa hit, "Son Of A Beach"!

Wayne: Now listen to me, this is my song,
I am here in the sand, dressed in my thong.
All of the sunlight come to me, it's into reach,
Oh I'm dark as can be 'cause I'm a son of a beach.
Oh I'm on the beach,
I'm on the beach,
I'm on the beach,
I'm on the beach,
Cha cha cha!

Colin: And if you order now, you can get the companion song to that, "Two Thongs Don't Make A Tights".
Ryan: Say, Col, how much would you pay for a two TD, CD set like this?
Colin: Why, I would pay upwards of twenty dollars.
Ryan: How much do you think the average person would pay?
Colin: Eighty-nine.
Ryan: That's right, and that's what it is, eighty-nine. You know, we've traveled all over America putting together songs for this CD. And I don't think I've felt any more like I was on the beach when I heard that lounge hit, simply titled, (gurgles like a drowning person).

Wayne: How many times have you drowned? Ten, right?
How many times have you made this annoying sound? I don't know.
Oh you know you couldn't get too far,
Because you're dying, and you need CPR,
And when that's happened, there's only one thing to say,
You go (drowning noise)
Oh you go (drowning noise)
Hey you go (drowning noise)
You go (drowning noise, becomes high note)

Songs of Los Angeles

(Episode 21.09) - Wayne Brady & Jeff Davis performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Colin: Hi, we'll be right back to our nature documentary "Emu - the cow who liked to e-mail" in just a second.
Ryan: (fake laugh)
Colin: Oh my, should I get your medicine?
Ryan: No, I'm just laughing how most people laugh in Hollywood.
Colin: Oh!
Ryan: (more laughs)
Colin: It's very good.
Ryan: 'Cause I can't smile!
Colin: No....
Ryan: Ow!
Colin: I... I thought it was going to get interesting there for a second.
Ryan: No! No!... You know, I love ska. Who doesn't?! You know what ska sounds for?
Colin: No!
Ryan: Singin' kind of... aoutof tune? I don't think it stands for that. But I don't know what it stands for. I think it's short for 'skadget', and I don't know what that means either. But when I think of ska music, I think of the state of sports in Los Angeles, and who could forget that ska sports-related tune, "Free Lakers Tickets".

Wayne: Hey! Hey!
Both: (scatting)
Wayne: Somebody told me there was someplace that I could get something and I wanna go see the Lakers play,
I wanna go but I cannot afford a ticket so I had to go and outside I would stay,
I took the sign that said "Could you please?",
I took the signs that said "Screw you please",
"Could you please give me some tickets to go see them?
But I can't pay so they'd have to be free",
Free Lakers tickets.
Jeff: I went down to the Staples Center and I started cryin', cryin', cryin', (Wayne: Dee, dee, dee...)
Because I wanted to see the celebrities but there wasn't no Kobe Bryant.
Oh the tickets are free, the tickets are free,
Do you want to go with me, and go and see, (Wayne: The tickets are free)
The Lakers Both: plaaa-ayy-ayy,
Jeff: Free Lakers tickets. Wayne: Free Lakers tickets I can see Kobe and I wanna,
Jeff: Free Lakers tickets. Wayne: Cos they are tickets tickets tickets I just wanna wanna,
Jeff: Free Lakers tickets, tickets, tickets, tickets, Wayne: I'll be your ticket I was even take the click or six(?),
Jeff: Tickets tickets tickets tickets tickets tickets tickets tickets, Wayne: Oh no I'll take it just I want the Lakers tickets,
Wayne: Lakers tickets!

Colin: (holding hand out) What's great about this CD...
Ryan: (grabs his hand and milks it) Moooo!... Cow, it's a lying down though, milk just shoots out...
Colin: There is something for everyone on this CD compilation, in fact...
Ryan: (starts reaching over again)
Colin: Don't milk my fingers! I can't believe I, how often I have to say that today. One of the best singing duos ever has a song in this, I'm talking of course...
Ryan: It's a duet?
Colin: It's a duet. Ah Prince and Keanu Reeves.
Ryan: Prince and Keanu Reeves?
Colin: Yeah. But this is one of their great LA songs, so just sit back and listen to "I'm On A New Diet".

Wayne: (Prince) Jeeeh, jeeeh-eh-eh-eh, ooh ooh!
Jeff: (Keanu) Take it Prince.
Wayne: Because sweet that, my pants are loose,
I just drink, some orange juice.
It's detox, how can it be,
I get so skinny because it can make me (fart noises) MVP,
I'm on a new diet. Ooh ooh ooh,
I eat erinberries. Ooh ooh ooh. Ooh!
You should try it. Uh huh.
I'm on the ab diet, singin'.
Jeff: Whoah whoah whoah whoah, whoah whoah,
Whoah. Whoah whoah! (Wayne: Whoo ooh! Whoo ooh!)
Whoah whoah whoah.
Wayne: Whoah whoah ooh be doo!
Whoah, oh ooh ooh. Whoo whooh ooh.
Jeff: Well I'm super super hungry, (Wayne: Oooh!)
All day I sit and swoon, (Wayne: You sit!)
I try to eat some cereal, (Wayne: Uh!)
But whoah there is no spoon. (Wayne: No spoon!)
Wayne: Oooh-ooh-ooh, it's not real,
It's in the Matrix, just like your last meal. (Jeff: Whoah whoah!)
It's my diet oh oh. (Jeff: Whoah!)
Whoah it's my diet. (Jeff: Whoah!)
You-ou-ou should drink it,
Drink it ooh ohh, ooh ohh oh, (Jeff: Whoah whoah whoah whoah whoah!)
Oh oh oh oh ohh-oh oh ohhh. (Jeff: Whoah-oh oh ohhh!)

Songs of New Orleans

(Episode 21.03) - Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Aisha: I heard New Orleans, I definitely heard New Orleans.
Ryan: Is it 'New Orluns' or 'New Orleens'?
Aisha: It's pronounced 'New Orluns', not 'New Orleens', it's a common mistake...
Ryan: Is it? It's not? Okay, alright.
Aisha: The album is called Songs of New Orleans, take it away.

Colin: Hi, we'll be right back to our movie with Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet about a couple going to Bangkok to learn new sexual techniques, in 'Titantric' in just a second... hey, Ryan, what's wrong?
Ryan: Oh I am not feeling too well, Col.
Colin: Why?
Ryan: I just got back from a trip from New Orleens. You know, I love Irish rock. Which of course is a music style, and also one of the lesser-known wrestlers on the WWF circuit.
Colin: Yes.
Ryan: And when I think Irish rock...
Colin: What do you think of?
Ryan: ...and I think of the 'leens... when I think Irish rock and New Orleens, I think of one that hit the top of the New Orleens charts in New Orleens, that big New Orleens Irish rock hit, "Beads for Boobs".

Wayne: There's a place that I like to go,
Where I ride on a float, I told you so,
You'll see anything you want, like on the tubes,
And oh if you want to see some breasts, give them beads for boobs.
Oh beads for them boobs, more than I can hope,
I see the jiggly ones when I'm riding on my float,
The beads for the boobs, it hits me to my sole-ah,
I feel them boobies the jiggly-biggly do them areolas,
Boobs, boobs, beads, beads,
All a ma-man needs, needs,
Boobs, boobs, beads, beads,
Show me your mammarie-hees,
Boobs, boobs, beads, beads,
I can see them for free-hee,
Boobs, boobs, beads, beads,
This is how it can be, we go,
Boo-dee-doo... (dances around with boobs)
... de di dee dee,
Beads for boobs!

Colin: You know, I know you're a big fan of stadium rock...
Ryan: Oh I love stadium rock, I love rock that's in stadiums.
Colin: Well this is a big rock, stadium rock song, but ah unfortunately during the taping of it...
Ryan: Is that a style, stadium rock?
Colin: Yeah.
Ryan: Or is it just rock that's in a stadium?
Colin: Three more years, I'm retired. Alright, anyway, this great stadium rock song, but unfortunately during the recording the singer's mike kept going in and out.
Ryan: Oooh. That's sad.
Colin: Yeah. No but it still sounds amazingly wonderful, as you're about to hear, with this great song, "I'm eating my way through a broken heart".

Wayne: This one goes out to all the lovers. Is anybody who's in love tonight? Are you in love? Well I'm not, so screw you.
(mike not working, Keegan-Michael Key fixes it)
... oooh, cos I can know-ohoh,
In time see chi vey, eh... eh...
Eh blep... to... blo... nep... do... dep... front...
(Keegan and Aisha help out)
Sup... ni... holding my pit of my heart,
There's no-one cos I'm in lo.... for pep...
Oh, oh, because lo-oh-oh-....
(Keegan jumps in )
Eh, ...ehhhh.
Keegan: (testing mike) La la la laaa!
Wayne: She got a... my heart is...
I keep, up every day,
I need the sauce and donuts, I had a beignet,
I ate a yoghurt, fee... (angry) ever, never... but...
(Keegan and Aisha replace mikes) shis ka... (microphone feedback)
...sednaahhh yeaaahh!

Songs of the Pizza Place

(Episode 12.24) - Chip Esten & Wayne Brady perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Colin: We'll be back to our low-budget musical comedy, "Three Brides For A Brother", in just a second.
Ryan: You know, as long as there's been cheese, and small salty fish, there's been pizza. People have loved it for centuries, or hundreds of years at least. You know Colin, an interesting fact is, pizza was discovered, or made first, not discovered, 'cause then it would be under a rock or something, made first here in America, and not in Italy as most people think.
Colin: I knew that.
Ryan: Fun Fact. You know we've put together all the songs about pizza that we could find, and that's 30 of 'em, on this 2 CD set.
Colin: You know when I was a college student, I used to go to the Alps, where I learned how to yodel and rescue people stuck in the snow. And that's why this next song holds a special place in my heart. That yodelling country & western song, "Mozzarellalalalalala!"

Chip: Heeee-eee-eee.
Wayne: Ohlala ohlolo ohlala ohlolo.
Chip: Lodelayee-ay.
Wayne: Oh sometimes I think that I'm a lucky fella, (Chip: Oh fella)
On my big deep-dish I like mozarella-la,
Chip: Sometimes I think it tastes better,
If you use a little gouda or you use a little cheddar, But I also like to use my mozarella-la-la-la.
Wayne: Here we go!
Mozzellay lalalay lololeyeeee, (Chip: Lodellay lodellay lodellayee)
Yololay lolollolo lay, (Chip: Lolloley lollolo leylayee)
Mallarezz lalamollarella (Chip: Lololo nellololey)
Both: Lolelaaaa!

Colin: Oh, that brings back memories of people being trapped in the snow and having to eat each other.
Ryan: Aw.... good times!
Colin: I was in college during the sixties, there was a lot of protest around, but I was too busy organizing pep rallies. And that's why this next song... oh, I studied too, studied very hard. I didn't get very far - look!
Ryan: You're doin' just fine!
Colin: Oh thanks. But still, when I hear this college fight song, I just melt. And that song of course is, "Pizzaheckoutta U".

(Chip & Wayne march, twirling batons. Wayne's lands in his eye)
Chip: Whooo!
Wayne: Whooo!
Chip: Hey! Hey!
Both: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Chip: We're gonna bake, bake, bake all our pizza,
All the other pizza teams will bust,
Because ours are flaky and rich and meaty,
And they have a special crust.
Wayne: Oh here is something that'll knock you for a loop,
Pizza is a brand new food group.
That is right, don't be such a smarty,
Pizza is the best food at a frat party.
Chip: Yeah!
Wayne: Whooo!

Ryan: Hey Colin,
Colin: Yes, Ryan?
Ryan: Do you think sixty dollars and ninety-five cents is too much to ask for a CD set like this?
Colin: Certainly not.
Ryan: Well that's what it is then. Sixty dollars and ninety-five cents. You know Colin, growing up in the 40s as I did, there's one songs that's close to my heart to this day. It's a doo-wop hit, I don't know if you remember it...?
Colin: No, I don't.
Ryan: I don't either. It's a doo-wop hit, and it's title is...
Colin: Oh, the anticipation is incredible, I bet it's gonna be so hilarious...
Ryan: Oh, hoho. Have I told you how much I love working with you?
Colin: No.
Ryan: It's that doo-wop hit, "Keep The Buck".

Wayne: Doo-dooo-dooo,
Chip: Waaa-ahhh-ahhh,
Both: Ahhh-ahhh-ahhh.
Chip: Well well well thankyou thankyou, you drove so far (Wayne: Doop, doop, doop be doodle doody doop)
In your little red and white blue car, (Wayne: Doop, doop, car)
So thankyou. (Wayne: Thankyou, doo doo doo)
And you can keep the buck. (Wayne: Keep the buck.)
Oh, and I know many pizza guys across the nation (Chip: Moo mou hey now moo now moo mow may nay)
They do this job, they don't have higher education. (Chip: Hey bow now may now mmm now may bay mmm yeah)
Oh so why don't you just take this dollar and put it in your hand, (Chip: put it in your hand)
And maybe you can get a better job, maybe by bein', hmm, a trashman,
Chip: Thankyou, (Wayne: Hey, keep the buck!)
Now keep the buuuck. (Wayne: Keep it, ah keep it, keep it I insist yeah)
Get back in your little white truck, (Wayne: You gotta keep the buck, just go)
And you can,
Both: Keep the buck!

Songs of the Plumber

(Episode 12.35) - Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Colin: Hi, we'll be back to the Friars Club roast of Nelson Mandela in just a second. But first, have we got something for you!
Ryan: You know, if you've got drains or pipes, you've probably had a plumber over at one time or not in your life.
Colin: (looks confused, then starts sending up Ryan and imitating his speaking)
Ryan: And we've assembled over six of the greatest songs, that's right, six songs on three CDs, I can see you outta the corner of my eye!
Colin: I'm sorry, you just explain things too long!
Ryan: Six songs. Three CDs.
Colin: Was that so hard?
Ryan: Go ahead!
Colin: One of the great bands of yore of course is the Rolling Stones, who are now actually as old as most stones on Earth. And one of their greatest plumber-related songs is of course that... great song that, I'm not stalling, I'm gonna tell you what it is, the name of that song is "Sympathy For The RotoRooter".

Wayne: One two! (does Jagger walk)
Yeah, oh baby.
Oh oh oh.
What do you do,
What's your job?
You've got the sink,
And you know it's clogged,
It's the RotoRooter,
And he has a very hard job.
Brad: Well you know he's a real bad shooter,
We're talking 'bout the RotoRooter,
Get on your little motor scooter,
And give a job to the
Both: RotoRooter!
Brad: Baby.
Wayne: Sympathy!
Brad: RotoRooter baby.
Wayne: Sympathy!
Brad: Ooh!
Brad: RotoRooter baby.
Wayne: For the RotoRooter.
Brad: Ooh-ooh!
Wayne: Sympathy.
Brad: Roto.
Wayne: Hey!

Ryan: Well let me go on and talk too much about some of the other songs that are on this CD set. You know there's a lot of songs from this country but we also have some international hits as well.
Colin: Really?
Ryan: Including one that was on the charts in Germany for 43 weeks. We're talkin' about that number one hit, that German drinking song, "Heuzunkloggen".

Wayne: Heuzunkloggen?
Brad: Heuzunkloggen.
Wayne: Ja ja, pluggen ze drain,
Ooh, da, who can explain?
Uh huh, because I'm tuggin',
Das ut und vein sund un uden unpluggen!
Brad: The drain it's so clogged,
And why it's not fair,
It's clogged it is clogged,
With all of mein hair.
Wayne: Haha!
I do not understand,
I'm going on a toboggan,
Dum chigga bulla oompa ga,
ooh mein,
Both: Unkloggen!

Colin: You know we have more songs on this CD... than you can possibly count. Well that's not true but it sounded good didn't it?
Ryan: Well I said earlier there's only six. But you just keeped on talkin'!
Colin: What happened to you? Anyway, we have a... six songs, and we're getting close to the end of them right now. And one of the best songs on this album...
Ryan: Oh.
Colin:'ll get your feet a-tappin' and your nose a-twitchin'...
Ryan: Yes!
Colin: ...and other body parts doing various things.
Ryan: Mmm. Mine are startin'.
Colin: That great 90's R&B hit, "You Can't Flush Me Away".

Wayne: Well you'll,
Never never get rid of me,
No one push push.
You'll never get me to the toilet,
So you can flush.
I'll never never leave you,
'cause you've got part of my soul,
I'm gonna make love to you girl,
As I'm goin' down the bowl.
Brad: Baby, baby,
Listen to what I say, (Wayne: Better listen.)
You ain't never gonna,
Flush my love away. (Wayne: Flush me, no no!)
I twirl around,
Any which way you please, (Wayne: Yeah!)
Baby grab your toilet paper,
'Cause I'm beggin' on my knees.
Wayne: You're never gonna flush my love away.
Brad: Y'ain't gonna flush my love away. (Wayne: Yes. Oh, baby!) (Brad: Oh!)
Both: Never gonna flush my love away. (Wayne: No but the Tidy Bowl Man can!)
No, never never flush my love away.
Wayne: Eh yeah.
Brad: Ow.

Songs of the Plumbers

(Episode 10.08) - Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: We'll be back to your movie "Full Of Monty" in just a moment. But first, we've got something we think you should hear about.
Colin: Plumbing.
Ryan: Oh!
Colin: Does that seem dull? Does that seem like there's no way that music could be connected to it? You are wrong, my friends! We have over 150 CDs in a 150 CD set... celebrating plumbing and the like. Why, do you remember that great British pop song, "I'm Clogged, I'm Clogged, Oh No, I'm Clogged!"?

Brad: Oi!
I'm clogged, I'm going down the drain.
Flushed myself, 'cause I am half insane.
Wayne: Well I shake me job, for real not fake,
I'm so clogged I need a plumbing snake.
Liquid Draino, give it to me,
'Cause I'm clo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ogged.
Brad: I'm clogged.

Ryan: Oh man that's... you know, this won't just appeal to people in Great Britain. No, it'll appeal to people all over the world. Even down south where they celebrate it with that big reggae hit, "I'm Not Putting My Hand In There."

Brad & Wayne: Eo!
Brad: Eo, da de de de de de o deo.
Wayne: Come now, come on, come come come again.
Come come, no no no no no.
Brad: You've got a problem with your pipes, well don't look back. (Wayne: (steel drums) Doo doo doo, do do do do doo doo)
I'm not stickin' my hand in that plumbers crack (Wayne: Doo doo doo doo doo de doo doo doo)
Wayne: Because you sit on me man, me wedding ring is stuck, (Brad: Oh oh!)
But you must be kinda crazy stick me hand up in that muck, (Brad: Uh oh!)
No no, me not gon' do that there for one thousand bucks,
Ain't not more.
Brad: No way oh, no way, I'm not gon' stick my hand in there.

Ryan: Are you hearing the songs? Why aren't you phoning in? I should come out there and just kick your...
Colin: Hey hey hey! Calm down...
Ryan: Oh boy.
Colin: It includes wonderful songs, like this early 50s hit, "I'm The Pipe Fitter".

Wayne: Oh oh oh!
Because you, you are my type,
I've got many wrenches to fit your pipe.
You come to me, with the old gripe,
I'm the pipe fitter, screw screw screw nut bolt and wrench.
Brad: You know, I am someone you can trust, (Wayne: Oh oh oh!)
And I promise my pipes will never rust. (Wayne: They'll never rust, oh rust)
Wayne: Oh to be, the pipe fitter.
Brad: Oh oh oh, the pipe fitter.
Wayne & Brad: Oooohhoooooo!

Songs of the Postal Worker

(Episode 11.11) - Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hi. We'll return you to the 24 hour Drew Carey network in just a moment, but first, have we got a deal for you!
Colin: For as long as there's been mail, there's been someone to deliver it. That's just a fact.
Ryan: That's right, we've got over 300 hits on a 2-CD set. And Colin, these songs cover every postal worker through the ages.
Colin: That's right. Let's listen to our first selection, that great Latin song, "Mail".

Wayne: Because you see me when I go, ha ha,
I deliver through the sleet and snow,
I get this package there without fail,
Thank God they came up with this word, it's called mail.
It's for me!

Ryan: And who could ever forget that 1940s boogie-woogie hit, "Put It In The Slot"?

Wayne: Will you deliver something for me please?
(higher) Will you deliver something for me please?
Because I've got to send it overseas.
(higher) Zoo zoo ba-doo-ba doo doo,
Because it gets real hot,
Deliver to my boyfriend the mail in the mail slot,
Put it in the slot, it's too big,
It's a package, put it in the slot.
Give it to me 'cause I gotta put it (2 trumpet notes)
Gotta put it in the slot, put it,
Boo boo boo da doo,
You put it in the slot, mail it, and you put it in the slot today.
Hey, it's from my girl! "Dear John..."

Ryan: You know, Colin, these CDs make great gifts as well. Who could you give one to?
Colin: Why, if I had anyone in my life, it'd be them!
Ryan: Hey, why don't you buy one for me this Christmas?!
Colin: Sure, like I'm made of money. But let's get back to some of the tunes. You know, one of my favourite artists of all time made this little song, it wasn't one of her biggest hits, but one of her finest. And that of course is Tina Turney's... Tina Turner's, a close friend of Tina Turney's... Tina Turner's big hit, "Hey Man, Tie Up Your Dog!"

Wayne: I've seen you, Mr Postman, with your bag that's really full,
Look at my booty, it's been bitten by that pit bull,
Oh, every day without fail,
Me and my long legs deliver your mail.
So tie that pit bull up before I kill it!
Sing, Tina!
I kill it!
Sing, girl!
I, roof roof, tie it, roof roof, tie it!
Roof roof, tie your pit bull up!
You've got to,
I said roof, tie it! Pit bull, tie it!
Pit bull, tie your pit bull up!
That's good, girl, that was good.

Songs of the Private Eye

(Episode 12.38) - Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Colin: We'll be back to our nature documentary, "Hood - The Circumcised Cobra", in just a second.
Ryan: You know... sometimes there's jobs that the police can't do. That's where private eyes come in handy.
Colin: That's so true, Ryan.
Ryan: They can be very useful, for instance Colin, do you sleep in boxer shorts?
Colin: Oh, I'll never tell!
Ryan: Ha ha. Oh, there's many songs about the private eye and we've ah, we've put together 365 of them on one CD.
Colin: You know, so many artists were clamouring to play on this CD. Well, usually the ones that were bankrupt. And that's why we've come up with MC Hammer's newest private eye... song... entitled, "Just Do Dustin'".

Wayne: Don't you understand?
Don't you understand?
Tell 'em Hammer,
Don't you understand?
Now they've hire me as a private eye,
And here's a little face that you can't deny.
I gotta get in, gotta get into the house,
Gotta do the inspection, every single mouse,
A mouse, a dog, a cat, take the print,
Don't ya understand exactly what I think,
Because it's your butt I'll be bustin',
I take the powder, then I start dustin'.
Too bankrupt, no,
Too bankrupt for this job, hey,
I'm too bankrupt,
To bankrupt for this job. Ho!
Gotta dust,
Gotta dust,
Gotta dust,

Ryan: It's Hammertime!
Colin: It is. One of those songs you think's never going to end.
Ryan: You know, there's a lot of hip artist on this CD set, like Hammer, but you know, I prefer the oldies.
Colin: Do you?
Ryan: Yes I do. Like that 1950s blues hit, "Someone Cut My Nose".

Wayne: Now now,
Now Looord, I sure took a beatin',
When my wife found out tha-that, that I been cheatin',
She hired a guy that was really tough,
He broke into my house, and he beat me up.
Oh livin' with that woman sure has been hell,
Someone chopped off my nose I lost my sense of smell.
Is that an orange? I don't know.
Is that a pie? Lord, I don't know.
Oohhhhh I'm sad I suppose,
'Cause some lousy person ch-ch-cho-cho-chopped of-off my nose.
Oh, I'm a recluse, just like a hobbit,
She chopped off my nose just like John Bobbit.

Ryan: Ozzie and Harriet couldn'tve been prouder.
Colin: No. (looks baffled) We have all kinds of great celebrities. Like this great hit from Ricky Martin, "Opening The Door That's Locked-a".

Wayne: Oh you see,
Oh, it's just my luck.
I'm trying to see the client,
But oy, the door's stuck.
What can I do,
Oh what can I say?
I'm stuck outside,
And it's muy calienté. Oh, come on, come on,
Oh, it's my luck-a.
I tried to turn and turn,
But the door is stuck-a.
The door is stuck, olé olé,
The door is stuck, olé-o,
The door is stuck, olé-o,
I'm trying to open, no no.
I can't find the key, oh no no no,
No the key, nay nay nay nay.
Door is stuck, olé-lé-lé,
I can't get,
In that door.

Songs of the Pro Bowler

(Episode 11.15) - Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hi. We'll return you to Suddenly Snoozin' in just a moment. But first, have we got a deal for you!
Colin: From the time I was born to the time I was died, and then I was reincarnated and come back as this, bowling has been a big part of my life. Sure, it's not really a sport, but it's got great music attached to it!
Ryan: You're drinking coffee again, are you?
Colin: Yes I am!
Ryan: You know, the music of the bowling alley is loved all over the world, and no country loves it more than France, where...
Colin: Oh, croissants go good with coffee!
Ryan: You bet they do. Oui oui!
Colin: In a minute.
Ryan: Who could ever forget that number one French ballad, "Spray My Shoes"?

Wayne: Because my shoes you must inspect,
You use Lysol to disinfect,
They are bowling shoes, you must abuse them,
But I will not wear them, fifty people have used them.
Yes, you see, ooh little bitty worms,
Fifty people with foot fungus germs,
Just spray them, spray them, ooh la la.

Ryan: You know, when I was growing up, my parents used to tell me about doo-wop music. Well, I never knew what it was about until I got this CD set. And one of my favourite doo-wop hits is "Gutter Ball".

Wayne: I knew this girl that I liked,
She could not bowl at all, she couldn't make a strike,
She'd take the ball, her hands they were like butter,
She'd let go down the alley, and uh-oh hit the gutter.
Gutter ball.
Gutter ball.

Ryan: (cries)
Colin: Hey, don't cry, you're not that good an actor. You know... as long as there's been bowling, there's been music. And one of my favourites is that great Jerry Lee Lewis hit. It is "Bowl Me, Strike Me, Spare Me."

Wayne: Listen girl, let me tell you this,
I love to bowl, and I won't miss,
I'll take that ball,
And that's not all,
And down the pins and I just won't miss.
Now you can bowl me, strike me, spare,
Oh listen girl, 'cause I just don't care,
Why don't you take your ball and get out of here,
And listen to me, look at my derriere.
Oh I grab my ball, I put it down the alley,
I go bowling with my girlfriend named Sally,
She can't bowl like I can,
Because I've got two balls and I'm a bowling man.
Better strike me, bowl me this,
Better strike me and you bowl you miss,
I guarantee that I won't miss,
So when you're there and you strike and you spare me this.

Songs of the Psychiatrist

(Episode 12.30) - Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Colin: We'll be right back to our nature documentary "Schlomo the Kosher Penguin" in just a second.
Ryan: You know, we know there's a lot of people out there with problems, don't we Colin?
Colin: That is so true.
Ryan: A lot of people who just can't think straight, can't get their lives together. That's why we're offering you a special offer, a 3CD set full of 13 songs concerning the psychiatrist. Like that 1980s rhythm & blues hit, "Your Time's Up".

Wayne: Oh.
Brad: Awaaahahaawaohhhh.
Wayne: Now baby I don't want to make you mad,
But I've been listening to you droning on and writing in my pad,
You're a crazy type of creep and you are such a slouch,
Why don't you get your crazy butt up off my couch?
Your time is up. (Brad: Your time is up).
Both: Your time is up.
Wayne: Your time is up. (Brad: It's way up).
Both: Your time is up,
Your time is up.
Wayne: Your time is up. (Brad: And I gotta fill my coffee cup).
Both: Your time is up.

Ryan: I'm 6 foot 6 and I wore heels during that era. (laughs)
Colin: (stares at him blankly) ... You know, there are more songs on this C... D compilation than...
Ryan: It's a hard word. It's not even a word, really, it's just two letters.
Colin: Perhaps I should get some help! (both laugh) Ah. You know, when I was a young Rastafarian, there was nothing I liked better than listening to the reggae strains of "Half A Phobia's Better Than None".

Brad: Oh doh. It go somethin' like this. (Wayne: Come again now, come again now)
You know I am a buffalo soldier, (Wayne: Boda!)
But I don't carry a gun. (Wayne: Nono!)
So listen again and maybe you'll hear what I told ya,
Half a phobia is better than none. Nono!
Wayne: Nono.
Both: No nono no no.
Wayne: Come again now, now now now now now,
Now me got the phobia no no no know you do not care, (Brad: Ohhhhh)
Because a half of the phobia mean I'm afraid of the air, (Brad: Oh ohhhh oh, ah oh)
I'm afraid of the heights, I'm afraid of the left, I'm afraid to the right, then I'm afraid of this, (Brad: Ohhhhh)
Because you've got to understand that half a phobia's better than this. (Brad: Oh-oh-oh ohhhh oh)
Half a phobia.
Brad: Oh oh oh oh is better than none.
Half a phobia is better than none. (Wayne: Come along now)
Maybe you cannot have one, (Wayne: Bulaga!) Because half a phobia is better than none.
Oh oohhhhhhhhh.

Colin: As long as there's been psychiatrists, there's been people singing about them behind their backs.
Ryan: Ah huh.
Colin: But one of the best early rock classics was of course "Freud or Jung - Who Knows?"

Brad: Oooh oohh oooh ooh.
Wayne: Ever since I was a little kid, (Brad: Oooooooh)
I don't know my psyche or my id, (Brad: Aaooooh)
Oh baby why don't we go, (Brad: Ooooooh)
Tell me what the hell's an ego,
Oh is it Freud, or a Ju-, a Ju-, a Jung.
Brad: Well I'm crazy crazy crazy since the day I was born,
Early early evenin' till the early morn,
And I don't know whether I'm straight or hung,
'Cause I don't know whether Freud or Jung,
Oh the woe's for me, 'cause I haven't quite figured it out.
My psyche is full of doubt.
Oh is it Freud or Jung, Wayne: Freud, Freud, Brad: Freud or Jung. Badoodoo.
Both: Fre-, Freud, Freud or Jung, Brad: Awaha,
Both: Fre-, Fre- Fre-, Freud or Jung, Brad: Awaha,
Both: Fre-, Fre- Fre-, Frued or Jung, awuhuh,
Fre-, Fre-, Freud, Freud or Jung!

Songs of the Safari

(Episode 13.05) - Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Colin: Hi. We'll be back to our politically correct production of "The Good, The Bad and the Beauty Impaired".
Ryan: Hey Col?
Colin: Yeah?
Ryan: What's it make you think of when you hear this sound? (drum noise)
Colin: My heart after a big make-out session.
Ryan: No no... stop... no no, safari Col.
Colin: Oh right.
Ryan: Yeah. And we've got all the songs of the safari, all 832 of them in a 2 CD set. Each song is not longer than 10 or 15 seconds.
Colin: Anyway, one of the best songs on this that'll get your toes a-tappin' and your nose a-runnin', is that great 1920s Fats Waller tune.
Ryan: Oh.
Colin: Oh I love him, and his great safari song, "Lion Nibblin' On My Toes".

Wayne: Yes! Haha!
Come on in!
After all, the countryside's open for everybody, man and beast, haha!
I was in the jungle, one day I thought I was the boss,
But the lions they were attracted to me, like my feet were covered in barbecue sauce.
I was tryin' to run, but they kept to encroach,
And then they grabbed my leg and started nibblin' like I was one big meatloaf.
Oh big-a lion nibblin' on my toes.
Every time I keep on cryin', lord I got the nibblin' woes.
Because that just lion, oh on my leg he rides,
You gotta hand it to those lions, they've got a lot of pride.
Oh lions keep nibblin on my,
Big one gone and the others too,
Oh lion keep nibblin', no I'm not kiddin',
Cause the lion's nibblin' on my toes.
Oh he's on my toes.
Ah toes!
Ow, that hurts!

Ryan: Sounds painful, but in a way kinda cute.
Colin: Ha ha ha.
Ryan: You know C... if you don't want to laugh then just don't have to make me look stupid.
Colin: No I felt it. I felt ... ooh ooh.
Ryan: You know... there are songs on this CD set from all over the world. You know I just returned from a trip to Jamaica.
Colin: Really?
Ryan: And you know, reggae isn't the only music they play down there.
Colin: Get out of town and take a bus!
Ryan: (moves to leave then returns) They have a little music style down there called Jamaican Rap, and one of my favourite songs in the time that I was there was, well one of my favourites, "Ants, Ants, Ants In My Pants".
Wayne: Come again now, woman,
Yes now listen to me boy,
Come get my, what.
Now now now now,
Now everytime I get busy,
Now everytime I want get down and dance,
Because everytime I start moving like this,
What that mean, got ants in me pants.
Now listen to me,
Here's a little trick,
Don't ever sit on an ant's home,
When you're having a pic-a-nic. Oh no!
Ants in my pants, ants ants ants ants,
Oh ants make me dance, oh give me a chance,
Ants in my pants, have you seen,
Ouch! I think that was the queen.
Ants in my pants!
Ants in my pants!
Ants in my pants!

Ryan: You know Colin, we might have to put a label on this CD, 'cause I coulda sworn I heard the word "antshome".
(long pause)
Ryan: I think I did!
Colin: Sometimes I just don't know about you!
Both: (giggle)
Colin: You know... I have many favorite artists. Van Gogh is one, but he didn't really sing a lot.
Ryan: No.
Colin: But...
Ryan: Couldn't hear a word.
Colin: Couldn't.
Ryan: Just didn't have the ear for it.
Colin: Yeah, him and Beethoven.
Ryan: Oh I love that dog.
Colin: Oh! Anyway... but you digress. One of my favourite artists of all time is the wonderful, wonderful Tracy Chapman.
Ryan: I knew you were going to say that.
Colin: You did not!
Ryan: I did too!
Colin: You did not! And of course her great safari related song, "Man It's Hot!"

Wayne: Oh ai-ee hah,
Oh oh.
Now little old man kinda told me,
What you want to tell me, oh.
I thought that I heard it,
But it's a hundred and ten, don't ya know,
Oh ai-ee ah,
Oh when you look out.
Oh ai-ee ah,
I'm livin' man.
Because I got a very fast tan.
Oh look at me man,
No look at me man,
I got a very fast tan,
It's so hot I can't stand,
I know hot I can't stand,
Tellin' that I want to get busy, but I can't,
Cause it's too hot tonight,
Because all the way from my toes to my dreadlocks,
It's four hundred degress Fahreinheit.
Oy oy ohyeah,
It's a little too hot ah baby,
Oy oy eah,
It's a little too hot,
It's a little too hot,
It's a little too hot,
I'm melting!
A little too hot.

Songs of the Taxi Driver

(Episode 13.07) - Jeff Davis & Wayne Brady performs songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Colin: Hi. We'll be right back to "Rin Ton Ton - The Dog That Ate Too Much" in just a second.
Ryan: (waves) Taxi? Taxi?
Colin: Hey Ryan, what are you doing?
Ryan: I can't seem to get a cab, Colin.
Colin: Well maybe that's because we're in a studio.
Ryan: Oh...
Colin: Oh well we've come up with over 450 songs that relate music and the taxi driver. You know... (touches Ryan's leg)
Ryan: (looks scared)
Colin: I don't know if you know this Ryan... sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Because you're a big homophobe. You know, you know I grew up in the disco era and one of my favourite disco people...
Ryan: (laughs) Disco era!.... yes you did!
Colin: I love the Bee Gees. I loved them before and I loved them in the disco era. They were great. There were three of them! They're brothers! Bee Gees! And they did a great cab driver related song, which of course is... I'm telling you right now... "I Can't Pronounce The Driver's Name".

Wayne: Now let me tell you something, I pay my fare,
I wanna pay you to get me from here to there,
But oh no nothing, oh man, stop blab,
What the hell'd you say, what's your name, Punjab?
Jeff: (high-pitched) Now, if you don't know my name, don't blame it on meeeeee (Wayne: Don't blame it on meeee!)
Because my name is of a different ethnicityyyy (Wayne: Ethnicityyyyy!)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh.
Wayne: What's your name? (Jeff: Oo-ooh, oo-ooh)
What's your name? Oooh. (Jeff: Oo-ooh)
Both: What's your name? Your name?
Your name? Your name?
Wayne: Your name?
Jeff: Tell me,
Both: What's your name?

Colin: (holds ear)Ah ah ah.
Ryan: Ah ah ah.
Colin: They were just ripping off Johnny Mathis.
Ryan: Yeah. You know, there's nothing... no music like American music is there Colin?
Colin: Oh good old US of A.
Ryan: Yes. You know ah, I was a child, and I'm not afraid to admit it, of the 50s (checks Colin).
Colin: (looks doubtful)
Ryan: And nothing... nothing is closer to my heart than 50s Rock and Roll. And that number one song from that era, "Hey, I Think We're Going In Circles".

Wayne: (Elvis) Uh huh huh. Ha. Oh oh.
Jeff: Hoooh. Hey hey.
Wayne: Well, now let me tell you something, let me tell you cabbie,
Where the hell we're going? Why don't you just show me,
Oh oh oh, I think we're goin round in circ, uh in circ, uh in circ, uh in circ.
Jeff: Hey uh look, hey looking at that house over there,
It's the fifteenth time we've been by,
I don't wanna go in circles, I wanna get to see my lady tonight.
Wayne: Oh oh, oh, we're going round in circles, round, because (Jeff: We're going in circles, we're going around)
Both: We're going around, around and around,
Wayne: And then we're going around,
Jeff: We've been all over Both: This town.
We're going around, we're going around,
We're going around, we're going around,
Wayne: Hey I'm getting so dizzy,
Because we're going Both: around!

Ryan: Oh! I don't mind telling ya, I'm a little dizzy!
Colin: Ha ha ha. You know for as long as I can remember, I've had memories. And one of my favourite... was right after the disco era, I got into punk.
Ryan: Oh.
Colin: I belonged to a band called Swollen Blister.
Ryan: Really?
Colin: Yeah. We didn't do very well but we got girls. And you'll catch girls if you play this wonderful punk song, "Your Air Freshener Smells Like Crap".

Jeff: Aaaaaaaar!
What's that in the air?
I smell something that I don't like.
And what's that in the air?
Your air smells like crap.
Wayne: I get in your cab, you you,
Your air freshener smells like doo doo,
Oh my god see it smells like crap.
Jeff: Oh well I smell your air I say no no no,
I don't want to smell any more of your B.O.,
No! No! Both: No! No! Nooooooo!
Wayne: Smells like crap!
Jeff: It smells! Both: It smells like crap!
It smells! Both: It smells! It smells like crap!
It smells! Both: It smells! It smells like crap!
Both: Craaaaaap!
Wayne: (smashing guitar!) Oy!

Songs of Telemarketers

(Episode A1.08) - Bridie Connell perform songs introduced by Steen Raskopoulos & Susie Youssef.

Steen: So ah, last night definitely happened, let's ah, go for round two for tonight if you know what I mean...
Susie: Ahaha I hope I never see you again...
Steen: Okay.
Susie: And welcome back to the show, we're so happy to have you here with us to listen to some of the greatest hits about telemarketing.
Steen: Oh pa! Hahaha I dropped something!
Susie: What did you drop there?
Steen: Oh pa! Oh-pa. Opera. See what I did that? Segue! Hahaha.
Susie: Haha... you're insufferable!
Steen: Okay. But that's my favourite song on this compilation pack.
Susie: Yeah.
Steen: It's an operatic song about the telemarketing. And do you know what it's called? "Stop calling me!"

Bridie: You've been calling, and calling, for fifteen days.
And yes I know that you just want to fundraise.
But seriously please, I'm going to dial out.
I don't care about the issue you're about.

Steen: (now in opposite seat) Yeah! Wow that track literally moves me. Hahahahahaha.
Susie: It's just about time for us to wrap up this segment which is whoah (wipes eyes) crying shame, for they...
Steen: Oh no don't cry (puts hand on her shoulder)
Susie: Don't touch me, hahahaha.... speaking of wrapping up, this next rap track, and our final track for the day, is a pretty cool number about aspirations. It's called "I Could Have Been A Doctor But I'm Stuck In This Call Centre, Please Call Home I Need Someone To Talk To."

Bridie: Y'all know that this is,
Aspirational rap.
Coming at ya one two three,
When I was a little girl my mum said to me,
You know my sweetheart my darling, you can be anything you want to be,
You could be a doctor, you could be a copper,
I said mumma dear I tell you what wait, you just stop.
Te- te- telemarketing. (Tommy: Yeah!)
Working at my job, I just want to talk,
Yes I open the Yellow Pages let my fingers do the walking, (Steen: Oh!)
I call up all the numbers but they always hang up on me,
It makes me sad it do not fill me with glee. (Steen: Yeah!)
Don't get into telemarketing.
Unless you want your soul crushed.

Tommy: Hey we are going to take a quick break, Bridie can you rap us out to the break?
Bridie: Can I?
Tommy: See you guys again...
Bridie: I'm contractually obliged to.
Tommy: We'll see you guys...
Bridie: I think I need my backup dancers...
Steen: Okay. (Steen & Susie join the dance)

Bridie: That's right my friends it is time for the break,
Go have a cup of coffee even have a piece of cake,
I tell you what my friend, if you're feeling flirty have a tipple,
With the host of the show, that's right it's Mister Tommy Little.
Ma- Mister Tommy Little.

Songs of the Wrestler

(Episode 12.37) - Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady perform songs introduced by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Ryan: Hi. We'll be back to our movie, "To Heck And Back", in just a moment. But first, have we got a deal for you!
Colin: As long as there's been men in tight... tights... sorry, I was just picturing it. As long as there's been sweaty men in tights fighting each other and bumping into ropes and... doing stuff like that, there's been hundreds and hundreds of songs written about 'em. From the early days of Greece to the later days of Pompeii, and even now, where people wrestle not only for profit but for fun and to teach the young people that there's better ways of working out your problems than just talking...
Ryan: Mind if I just sell the CD.
Colin: Oh, okay.
Ryan: Apparently our movie is over now. But you know, we do have a lot of songs on this CD set, including one of my favourite reggae hits, "Turnbuckle Turnbuckle".

Wayne: Yes man.
Brad: Oh yah. Oh yah.
Wayne: Now now now now now,
Now me come around and now me got great big muscles,
Me step into the ring with Stone Cold Steve me want to tussle,
Me go to the end, me go m-m-me throw him, me kick him,
Me hurt him, me break his neck and jump up off the top rope.
Brad: Me scare you all, you lose all of your hope,
I'm gonna kick you round and maybe throw you off the rope,
And maybe take my fist and all my muscles and my knuckles,
And maybe throw you baby and then slam in the turnbuckle.
Wayne: Turnbuckle, turnbuckle.
Brad: Tu-tu-tu-tu-tu turnbuckle. (Wayne: plays steel drum)
Tu-tu-tu-tu-tu turn the buckle.
Tu-tu-tu-ba-ba turn.

Ryan: That's a lot more than just a bald kid playing a banjo.
Colin: That is absolutely correct. And if you order right now, you'll get the entire CD collection yesterday through a process we don't quite understand yet.
Ryan: Very hush hush!
Colin: Very very hush hush.
Ryan: You know Colin, this CD set is not just popular here in the United States, and when I say here in the United States, I'm counting Canada. No, it's popular all over the world, as is evidenced by this romantic Italian ballad... the romantic Italian ballad, "Pile Driver".

Wayne: When you show a girl that you love,
Take her head, and climb high above.
Hold her still, and that is that,
Show her you love her when you hit the mat.
Just go... (drops) UH!
It's the pile driver of love.
Brad: How do you know that it is true love,
Until you slam her from high up above,
She's the girl that makes you smile,
Until you drive her into the pile.
Wayne: UH! Pile driver of love, (Brad: Pile drive, pile drive)
You hold her all have seen, (Brad: Pile driver.)
Then you keel and then, and down on her head, the (Brad: Pile drive, pile drive)
Both: Pile driver!

Ryan: As you can see a lot of the songs on this CD set really get you movin', and what's more appropriate than a square dance callin'-type song. This one entitled "One, Two... Kickout".

Wayne: Well here's what you do,
When you're rasslin someone in the ring,
And you come around,
And then I'll tell you just the thing.
Ya grab him, slam him, put him on the ground,
And then you crush his neck.
And then he tries to break out,
And I say, "What the heck?".
I say one two, oops he kicked out on me. (Brad: One two, oops he kicked)
One two, oops he kicked out on me. (Brad: One two)
Brad: Oh oh oh oooohhne two.
Swing him right over your head,
Whack him down until he's dead,
Step on the toe and punch him in the face,
Then you go all over the place.
Then totally smash until they're good,
Everybody in Hollywood.
Swing, swing, swingin' all the day.
Jump around,
Drop to the floor,
Do a little more!
Everybody say,
What can it be?
I can't tell!
What'll it be?
Everything is goin'
All over Gorgeous George.
Yee haw!