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Miscellaneous Songs

African Chant: Chris the Visual Effects Designer
African Chant: Pat the Sprinkler Guy
Audition: Godfather Dying Song
Audition: The West Side of Oklahoma
Ballad of Leonard The Lawyer
Charity Anthem: Pizza Deliverers
Film and Theatre Styles: Eavesdropping Song
Film and Theatre Styles: Firearms Song
Film and Theatre Styles: Shagging the Next Door Neighbour Song
Film and Theatre Styles: Suspect Interviewing Song
Gangsta Rap: Astronaut
Genre Option: Customs Opera
Genre Option: Plumber Musical
Lounge Lizards: Rowing
Motown Group: Do the Lumberjack
Motown Group: Do the Navy Seal
Motown Group: Do The Sewer Worker
Motown Group: Do the Toothbrush
Motown Group: The Trash Taker-Outer Dance
Remember That Song
Reunion: Drill Sergeant Song
Show-Stopping Number: Home Improvement Store
Show-Stopping Number: Shoe Store
Telethon: NBA Players
Telethon: Sitcom Stars
Telethon: Thumbsuckers
Title Sequence: Hillary and Monica (extended)
Title Sequence: Satan and the Schoolgirl

African Chant - Chris the Visual Effects Designer

(Episode 12.23) - Wayne Brady, Greg Proops, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles.

Wayne: (bird noise)
Shhhhh! (Others: Shhhhh!)
Do you see?
Chriiiis. (Others: Chriiiis!)
Chriiiis. (Others: Chriiiis!)
Now Chris make a fake-a movie screen, (Others: Awooooo!)
Chris manipulate the media to see, awooooo, (Others: Awooooo!)
Chris make the sky blue. (Others: Blue, blue blue, blue blue, blue!)
And Chris make a white man darker than you. (Others: Oooooh.)
Oh now oh me ah me ma me ah (Others: Oh me ah me ma me ah)
Oh listen me, oh listen my,
Chris is master of CGI.
Awooooo. (Others: Awoooo!)
Chris use a computer to make on the screen,
All: Chris use a computer to make on the screen,
Chris use a computer to make on the screen,
Wayne: Chris use a computer to... (Others: make on the screen!)
Awoooooo. (Others: Awoooooo!)
Awooooaii. (Others: Awooooo!)
Hear the cry!
A-bo-day! (Others: A-bo-day!)
Did you work on Blair Witch Project (Chris: Nooooo.)
Oooh, thank good.
His name is Chris.
All: Chris, Chris, Chrissssss.

African Chant - Pat the Sprinkler Guy

(Episode 12.03) - Wayne Brady, Greg Proops, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles.

Wayne: Abu pat, Pat sprinkler guy.
Others: Awooo.
Wayne: Aldodoh, aldopat, he go tff tff tff tff
Others: Ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch.
Wayne: Ch ch ch ch ch ch.
Others: Ch ch ch ch ch ch ch.
Wayne: Oh did de rain no come, Pat make de water de ground.
Oh Pat.
Others: Awooo.
Wayne: Pat-ah.
Others: Ohhh!!
Wayne: Oh Pat make de water so de animals don't go tirsty.
Others: Awwoo.
Wayne: Pat.
Others: Pat.
Wayne: P.
Others: P.
Wayne: A.
Others: A.
Wayne: T.
Others: T.
Wayne: If Pat were an animal, Pat would be an elephant.
(all impersonate elephants spraying water)
Wayne: Oooahhyyyy

Audition: Godfather Dying Song

From "Dead Greasy Godfathers Society" (Episode 3.14)

Mike McShane:
Come here little Gino.
This flower is like our family.
Many petals but all together, you see.
That is why we wear it in our lapel.
When we send those dirty bayakas to hell!

Audition: The West Side of Oklahoma

(Episode 3.15)

Mike McShane (reads a poem):
Horse, horse, horse on the roof,
Horse, horse, tell you the truth,
I'm gonna kick you off and you're gonna fall,
But you will bounce like a big red ball,
Which mummy took from me when I was just this tall.

George McGrath (sings "Knives Knives, Who's Got The Knives"):
Knives, who's got the knives?
Who's got those pointy little knives I used to know?
Oh the West Side of Oklahoma is like the East Side of Oklahoma,
But nobody knows who's got the knives.

Ballad of Leonard The Lawyer.

(Episode 12.07) - Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady sing in a country style

Brad: Yee-hah!
Wayne: (cracks whip)
Brad: He's the meanest lawyer that you ever did see,
He would sue you, he's an attorney,
He'd take your docket with a cigar in his pocket,
And sue your nasty little pants.
And if you did wrong, he would punish your song,
And he'd take you down to jail for too long,
And then he'd make you do the prison dance.
Wayne: He's Leonard (Brad: Leonard!)
The lawyer,
And he'll lock you up faster than (rushing by noise)
Both: Oh he's Leonard the Lawyer
Wayne: And he'll lock you up faster than (rushing by noise)

Wayne: Now dealing with Leonard it makes my heart race,
I had to go before him when I had to try a case,
And I didn't know that he would be such a real good guy.
Cause the lawyer that I hired, it was him,
He obviously didn't work out in the gym,
And that, it made his wife cry.
Both: He's Leonard the Lawyer,
He'll lock you up faster than
Wayne: (rushing by noise)
Both: Oh Leonard the Lawyer,
He'll lock you up faster than (rushing by noise)

Charity Anthem: Pizza Deliverers

(Episode 10.11) - Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie introduce and Wayne Brady & Brad Sherwood sing.

Ryan: We have to support these deliverers of cheese and meats! We have to show them we care! And we have two people here right now who are going to do just that. Two people you wouldn't even think eat pizza. But they do. Bruce Springsteen and Stevie Wonder. Welcome to tonight.
Wayne: (faces wrong way)
Ryan: Now... Bruce, nice to meet you.
Brad: Nice to meet you.
Ryan: Stevie, a pleasure.
Wayne: It always makes me happy to come and have (?) talk to you.
Ryan: Thankyou Stevie. Now, I understand that the two of you have gotten together, you've left your egos at the door, and you have written a song to honour our brave deliverers.
Brad: Yeah. We wrote a song.
Ryan: Would you do us the honour of singing it?
Brad: Sure.

Brad: Well I got in my pickup truck, with no brakes and no shocks,
And I drove these dusty streets with a greasy pizza box.
And I drove on through the night, not knowing where to be,
But I've only got 30 minutes, or that pizza's going to be free!
Wayne: Oh sometimes it seems that the pizza's way too hot,
I've gotta ask my bud which flavour it is, 'cause I can't see the box.
Sometimes it's pepperoni, and somtimes it's beef and anchovy,
And sometimes it's got the crust, and it's got cheese, it's got cheese!
Brad: Deliver me! (Wayne: Oooohh!)
Deliver me! (Wayne: Whoooah!)
Gotta get it through,
Or that pizza's gonna be free!
Deliver me!
Wayne: Come along Pizza Hut and deliver me, (Brad: Deliver me!)
And the cola, oh deliver me, (Brad: Deliver me!)
Oooh deliveriveriverliveriveriverliver me, (Brad: Deliver me!)
If you get a cute little magnet (Brad: Get by!)
Brad: Oh no, baby!
Wayne: Deliver me, everybody sing along!
Brad: Deliver me! (Wayne: Deliver me!)
Me me me me (Wayne: Deliver!)
Wayne: Deeelliiiiivveeeeerrrrr,
Brad: Come on baby, deliver me!

Film and Theatre Styles: Eavesdropping Song

(Episode 3.15) - A window cleaner (Ryan Stiles) eavesdrops on corporate boss (George McGrath), in a Musical Comedy style.

George: Hey, when you hit bottom,
Then you know you've got 'em.
Ryan: I bounce and bounce and up again,
I don't know how many times, maybe ten,
I'm not sure.
George: Gotta go Ernie, there's a guy here,
I gotta spend some time with.
Ryan: Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Film and Theatre Styles: Firearms Song

(Episode 3.12) - One of Josie Lawrence & Mike McShane going to try and buy a gun, in a Burlesque/Music Hall style.

Ba - rum - bum - bum, ba - rum - bum - bum,
Ba - rum - bum - bum, ba - rum - bum - bum.
Josie Lawrence:
Oh this man's very funny, he's a very funny one.
And ladies you should see the size of his gun.
Mike McShane:
I've got a big gun, from my pocket I will pull it,
And if you think the size (of mine?) just wait 'til you see the bullet!

Film and Theatre Styles: Shagging the Next Door Neighbour Song

(Episode 3.04) - One of Josie Lawrence & Mike McShane suspects the other is having an affair, in an Old Time Music Hall style.

Mike McShane:
I've been shagging the next door neighbour,
For half a week or so.
I've been having lots of fun,
But then I said it's time to go.

Film and Theatre Styles: Suspect Interviewing Song

(Episode 3.07) - Jim Sweeney interviews suspect Steve Steen at the scene of a crime, in a Gilbert & Sullivan style.

Jim Sweeney:
I fully suspect you did this crime, I know you did it son,
Yes you're the only one, yes you are definitely the only one.
You killed this man and several others,
Including two of my brothers,
I'll take you down to the nick,
You make me sick, sick, sick.

Gangsta Rap: Astronaut

(Episode 12.09) - Wayne Brady & Brad Sherwood.

Wayne: Oh yeah yeah yeah, word word.
Brad: Yeeeaaaaaah.
Wayne: Comin' straight to ya from NASA.
Brad: Wassup Houston, Houston in da house.
Wayne: Uh, uh, what, what,
Nownownow shuttles have blown off, I think you've gotta solve 'em,
Because you realise, "Houston I've got a problem",
So what do you do, and so what do you say,
Because I realise I have to blast off this way.
Brad: I'm gonna blast off right in your face,
Then I'm gonna take your butt to outer Both: Space!
If you do not like it then I do not care,
Cause I am breathing bottled Both: Air!
Wayne: Because you see, and I know it's a beaut,
I strap myself in into my big suit,
And then as fast as you can see, as fast as you can talk,
Because I stepped outside the shuttle and I took a walk.
Brad: We're gonna do it and we do it real soon,
And if you do not like it from here to the Both: Moon.
We're gonna go weightless and we do not care,
Because I told you once I'm breathin' bottled air.
Wayne: Because the astronaut, the astronaut's hot,
Both: The astronaut, the astronaut's hot,
The astronaut, the astronaut's hot,
Wayne: And I got a shuttle, hey, what you got?

Genre Option: Customs Opera

(Episode R.05) - A customs officer (John Bird) interviews a passenger (John Sessions) with a suspicious package, in Opera style.

John B: Would you care to open your bag?
John S: I would open my bags if I could,
But I don't waaaaant to.
John B: I would like you to o-o-o-oopen!
John S: Marcello. Marcello abigsa.(?)
Oh quando quando agajo,
Ro so, vito, i blanco.

Genre Option: Plumber Musical

(Episode R.04) - A plumber (John Sessions) and a housewife (Kate Robbins), in Musical style.

Kate: Oh I love you, do you love my sink?
Oh I really hope that you think,
That I'm lovely!
Just lovely (John: Lovely!), come and see,
To my water! (John: To your water!)
John: I'll tell you what I'll do,
It's stainless steel, (Kate: Yeah?)
It's easy as a breeze. (Kate: Is it really?)
Kate: I'll tell you what you do,
You turn me on so,
Let's go upstairs for a... sneeze. That rhymes with breeze!
John: A breeze!
I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll bring my spanner,
Bring my brother Jake along,
We'll sing.
Yes we'll sing.
Kate: I want to see Jake I know,
He won't be nice as you.
You're so lovely.
John: Oh come off it, come off it,
We'll do some Sondheim,
Some Sondheim.

Lounge Lizards: Rowing

(Episode 30.08) - Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady, Jeff Davis & Colin Mochrie.

Jeff: Hah hah hah!
Wayne: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the bank... of the river. Tonight, for your enjoyment, let's hit it fellas!
Row, row your boat, (Ryan: Row your boat!)
Row, row your boat, (Ryan: Row your boat!)
Row, row your boat,
But don't...
Jeff: Let's see if that boat, it can float! (Ryan: Row, row, row that boat!)
Wayne: Once I was on this boat, and what do you think?
I tried to patch it because I was scared that that there boat might sink.
I kept on rowing, rowing like him,
And I rowed so well that I defied stereotypes, screw you guys black folks can swim! (Aisha: Yesss!)
I rowed my boat (Jeff: Row that boat!)
Row that boat (Jeff: Row that boat!)
Ryan: I grabbed a big old oar, (Wayne: Oh-oh-oh!)
Head out on the lake with a big old whore, (Wayne: Whoah!)
And out here row what do you do,
Up da boo-be-doo ba-doo-bi-doo-doo!
Wayne: Boo-be-doo-bi-da-bi-da-da-da! (Ryan: Skoop-da-doop!)
Ryan: Out that boat off the shore!
Row that boat!
Ryan & Colin: (rowing dancing)
Jeff: When you go down that stream, (Ryan: Down. That. Stream!)
You're with the girly of your dreams! (Ryan: A-doo-bi-a-dib-god-oh-my-gid-oh-my-god-a-ba-day!)
Wayne: Hey! Hey Curly!
Jeff: Take it!
Colin: Yes!
Wayne: Tell the folks a little something about your rowing game!

Colin: I shall!
Wayne: Break it down ladies, make it smooth!
(long clapping break)
Colin: When...
Ryan: SKIP! Skoo-ba-da-doo-doo!
Ryan: Row, row, row your boat, (Wayne, Colin & Jeff: Row, row, row, row...)
Row lee lowly lowly boat,
Jeff: Don't forget to bring your goat,
When you row...
Wayne: When you row...
Ryan: When you row...
Colin: When you row...
All: ... boooooat-ah!

Motown Group: Do the Lumberjack

(Episode 12.37) - Wayne Brady, Brad Sherwood & Ryan Stiles.

Wayne: Whoo! Ha!
Brad: Oooh!
Wayne: Come on!
Now ever since I've been chopping down trees I've been a believer, yeah,
I get busy gnawing down things like I am a big beaver.
The best part of being a lumberjack I carry an axe,
And when I've finished workin', I rub their backs,
'Cause I'm a lumberjack. (Brad: Yeah!)
Wayne & Brad: 'Cause I'm a lumberjack.
Ryan: I love the guy cuts down every tree that he sees, (Wayne: Choppin', every tree)
After all, who, needs that, many trees? (Wayne: Many trees.)
You can bet I'm the guy you can call a friend,
Don't you know I'm Canadian,
Choppin' trees. Ha.
Ryan & Wayne: Choppin'. Choppin'.
Ryan: Eh?
Ryan & Wayne: Choppin'.
Ryan: Oh yeah.
Ryan & Wayne: Choppin'. Choppin'.
Wayne: (starts chopping Ryan down)
Brad: Well I'm choppin' down the trees and I really give a shout and say timber, (Ryan: Timber!)
Because you know I'm a lumberjack, I'm wearin' flannel and I'm a-limber.
And if you wanna see me chop some wood a little bit more,
I'll chop a big old tree on down until it's just a two-by-four.
Brad & Wayne: 'Cause I'm a lumberjack!

Motown Group: Do the Navy Seal

(Episode 13.08) - Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles.

Wayne: Here we go!
Now if you want somebody dishes gravy,
Trust me little baby you can join the navy,
And be a seal, yeah,
And be a seal. Ohoh! (Ryan & Colin: Be a seal!)
You could protect somebody's life,
And end it with a knife,
Be a seal,
Cos that's real,
Just be a seal.
Colin: I'm a Navy Seal, I really love my job, (Wayne: He really loves his job)
Everybody says, "Look, there goes Happy Bob!" (Wayne: Happy Bob!)
Everybody come and give it a whirl,
Boy I'd really like to be a girl.
And I'm not. (Wayne: Navy seal!)
Oops. (Wayne: Navy seal!)
Ryan: I've always wanted to be a seal, all of my life. (Wayne: All of his life!)
So I went away, said goodbye to my wife, (Wayne: Bye to his wife!)
When I get in my suit, people think I look cute,
I just like the feel of a tight rubber suit,
I said navy seal (Wayne: Navy seal, navy seal)
Wayne: Here we go now, do this!
Now first you put your wetsuit on and then you grab your knife,
And then consult your manual, it just might save your life,
And then you have to put your oxygen tank don't get a buzz,
And then you crack somebody's necks like Steven Seagal does,
It's real,
Hey then you'll be a navy seal,
Yeah, you'll be a navy seal.
A navy seal. (Ryan: Navy seal)
You'll be a All: Navy seal.
(Wayne stabs Colin & Ryan)

Motown Group: Do the Sewer Worker

(Episode 13.02) - Wayne Brady, Chip Esten & Ryan Stiles.

Wayne: Whoo!
Yeah yeah!
Now now now now now now now,
Many people have jobs which they need to hurdle,
But sometimes I like to get in the sewer like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
My job makes me ten times more smellier than you,
All day long, all I do is swim in poo.
Do the sewer worker,
Do the sewer worker. Yeah yeah.
Chip: Well, you never ever gonna believe what I did, (Wayne: No no)
I got my crowbar and I lifted up the lid, (Wayne: Yeah yeah)
I dropped down inside just to see what I could see, (Wayne: Yeah yeah)
But all I saw was number two, and number one (that's pee),
I didn't want to go work there, but soon I am a liver,
I took a paddle boat and then I made it to the river.
In my sewer, (Wayne: Whoo!)
It's in my sewer.
Wayne: Bass man, break it down!
Ryan: I work in a sewer, don't know what to say, (Wayne & Chip: Ooooooh, oooooh etc.)
When I walk around people run away,
I gotta admit it's kinda scary,
Everyone thinks I smell like Drew Carey.
Oh bad folk, it's such a crime,
Ah-run away from Ryan, that's all they do.
Let's do the sewer worker. (Chip & Wayne: Do the sewer worker) (Wayne: Yeah yeah)
All: Do the sewer worker. Wayne: Now everybody check it out!
Now all you got to do, if you're filled with loves,
Put on your pants and a set of rubber gloves,
Grab a shovel, and then you begin it,
Man is that (bleep), you're standing knee deep in it,
Do the sewer, yeah yeah,
I'm doin' the sewer, hahhh, (Ryan: Sewer worker, sewer sewer sewer sewer sewer worker) (Chip: Yeah)
I do the sewer worker, damn, (Ryan: Sewer sewer sewer sewer sewer worker)
I do the sewer worker. Whoo! (Chip & Ryan: Yeah!)
All: I did the sewer worker.

Motown Group: Do the Toothbrush

(Episode 12.14) - Wayne Brady, Brad Sherwood & Ryan Stiles.

Wayne: Oh, now this song, it takes me way way back,
Back to my bathroom where I use this to get rid of plaque,
Well, gingivitis might make you sick,
So I think you want to use a Water Pik.
Do the toothbrush.
Yeah yeah.
Ryan: I brush my teeth, oh don't you know I ain't dumb. (Brad & Wayne: He ain't dumb!)
And when I'm done with my teeth I take the bristles right a-cross my gum. (Wayne: across his gum)
Oh sometimes I think "why do I bother?",
I keep 'em in a big glass of water,
They ain't real. (Wayne: Hey hey hey!)
Look, they come right out. (Brad: You're gonna do the toothbrush!)
Brad: Well make sure that your teeth aren't at a loss,
Oh grab on on that little rope and do a little floss.
Oh baby, (Wayne: Yeah!) you gotta get inside them, (Wayne: Ooohooohooh)
Ooh, so keep on brushing all your teeth and your gums or you'll get gingivitis. (Wayne: Yeahah!)
So baby baby do the toothbrush. (Wayne: Yeah yeah yeahhh yo!)
Oh do the toothbrush.
Wayne: All right everybody, it's a brand new dance,
Take your finger, come on, now put it in your mouth.
And get some toothpaste, and it moves it all about, come on,
Hey come on. (Brad: Oooohoooh!) Don't bbbbe no foolbbbb,
A boeoebbbbble swibbble ththebebebbbebbebheeee,
Hey do the tooth.
(all spit)
Brad: Do the toothbrush. (Wayne: Oh!)
Wayne: Do the toothpaste. Oh!(Brad: gargles)
Do the toothbrush. Yeah!
Do it!

Motown Group: The Trash Taker-Outer Dance

(Episode 12.28) - Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles.

Wayne: Whooooo!
Now when my wife tells me to take the garbage out, yeah,
I'm sitting on the couch watching TV and she begins to shout,
Lady I love you, I don't wanna make you mad,
I grab it, it's black and rubbery, it's made by Glad.
Take the trash out, yeah,
I take the trash out.
And speaking of trash...
Colin: It's Thursday. Get the can. (Wayne: The ca-a-aaan)
It's garbage day, I am your man. (Wayne: Oh he's the man)
My back is out, oh don't you shout, Get the garbage, move your can,
Right now.
Wayne: Take the trash out, yeahyeahyeah,
Take the trash out. Whooo!
Ryan: I'm gonna tell you something and this is no lie, (Wayne: It is no lie)
Every time I take the trash out, baby I almost die, (Wayne: Almost die)
If I could have this wouldn't be remote,
I live on a floating houseboat,
Saying oh! (trips off boat and swims)
Get it? In the water, hah!
Wayne: Come on everybody, grab your trash bag, come on.
Put stuff in it, now they call that trash.
Hey that's all you gotta do, listen baby take out the trash,
Oh yeah, you're gonna take out the trash.
Yeah yeah, you know you take out the trash.

Remember That Song

(Episode 9.10) - Colin Mochrie as a barman, with Brad Sherwood & Ryan Stiles coming into the bar and reminscing about old songs.

Colin: Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo...
Brad: (dingalingalingaling) Hi!
Colin: Brad?
Brad: Yes!
Colin: My god, what's it been, 10 years?
Brad: Colin, it's been at least 10 years!
Colin: How ya doin?
Brad: Oh, So good..
Colin: I remember your drink, I bet. Every bit of liquor and a little bit of juice.
Brad: That's right. It's called a compendium.
Colin: Yes. So, what ya doin now?
Brad: Well, I just got out of prison.
Colin: Really?
Brad: Yeah.
Colin: Oh, isn't that ironic, the way, well... 10 years ago when you used to sing those happy-go-lucky songs about free and running around...
Brad: Oh yes.
Colin: Hey, do me a favour! Sing it for me!
Brad: Oooh, well, I had most of my larynx removed in prison but...
Colin: Oh, come on...
Brad: Well, I'll try.

I like running, wild and free,
All through the park. (Colin: De de de de de...)
Later on I take my clothes off,
After it gets dark.
I chase old ladies round the trees,
And into the bush.
I say "Hey lady, how 'bout you giving me a shove,
And I'll give you a push."

Colin: So what were you in prison for?
Brad: Well, that very thing!
Ryan: (enters) Can I have a beer please?
Brad: Carlos!
Ryan: It's not Carlos any more. It's Carlita.
Brad: Oooohhh....
Colin: I thought you'd changed! I thought it was just your nose!
Brad: D'you mind?...
Ryan: Sure!
Brad: (feels Carlita's 'breasts') Ohhh! Oh man, those are great! Wanna go to the park later?
Ryan: Oh, I don't know if that'd be right...
Brad: Man, so you became a woman... well, you were a great opera singer when you were a man...
Ryan: Yes I was! I still dabble a little...
Brad: Oh, I'd love for you to dabble for me. Could you sing that song that brought down the Met?

Ryan: Is there nowhere I can go to hide?
How do I bring out this woman inside?
I have to make a choice,
Thinking about it makes me moist.
My friends tell me, don't worry,
Put those days behind 'ya.
I'm quite different now, they took away my penis,
And gave me a vagina.

Reunion: Drill Sergeant Song

(Episode 13.05) - Greg Proops, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles

Greg, Colin & Ryan: Many years ago,
Far, far away.
We fought the enemy,
They ran away.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Again and again. (Greg: And again!)
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
And stand like this.

Ryan: (walks back to seat maintaining weird arm positions from stance)
Drew: (does impression of standing position) That was great!
Ryan: I'm from Canada, that's how they stand!
Drew: That's how the Canadi...
Ryan: Peacekeepers!
Drew: (effeminate voice) Stop it!
Ryan: Never get past their little teapots.
Drew: Alright let's play a game called "Reunion"... oh no we don't...
Ryan & Greg: (start walking down)
Ryan: Fight! Fight! Fight...!
Greg: I don't know but I've been told...

Show-Stopping Number: Home Improvement Store

(Episode 30.08) - Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie & Wayne Brady.

Ryan: Ahh.. can I help you?
Colin: I want to improve my home.
Ryan: Oh. Well where did you want to start? You're in the kitchen area now, would you like to start with the kitchen?
Colin: You know I absolutely know nothing about ah... I just want my house to be nice and warm and... livable.
Ryan: Alright, well what's in your kitchen now, what's the main focal point in your kitchen?
Colin: My fat-ass mother-in-law.

Colin: My fat-ass mother-in-law, sitting in the house,
Sits there all day, quiet as a mouse,
She eats the things, she eats the fridge,
And across her forehead she has a large ridge.

Ryan: Okay well you know what, maybe we should build an island for her to sit around?
Colin: Oh yeah...
Ryan: Yeah we'll start with that.
Colin: Oh you mean in the house, I thought you meant make her an island that was...
Ryan: No, no no no no no.
Colin: Alright.
Ryan: Not at all. Alright well we'll stop with some ah... this is, this is granite, this is freshly cut granite, we make an island out of that?
Colin: Granite? I, I'd like something a little more exotic.
Ryan: Well we can make it exotic and then we've got room for eight stools.
Colin: I don't like that many people.
Ryan: Alright well then maybe you should pick your own stuff.

Ryan: Maybe you should pick your own stuff,
Maybe I don't know how to do my job,
Maybe I should get fired and drive a cab,
And, and have a nose full of gob.

Ryan: Like a seal! Look... look, I had a bad experience...
Colin: What kind of home improvement guy are you?
Ryan: I had a bad experience with a seal early in my life.
Wayne: (enters) Ahh... hello Morris.
Ryan: Oh, this must be your mother-in-law?
Wayne: Yes. I see he's talked about me.
Ryan: Yes he has.
Wayne: That's the only thing he's good for. Fourteen years with my daughter and all he does is talk about his big dreams, and "I'm gonna fix the house, I'm gonna..."
Ryan: Maybe it's you, because I find him to be a... outstanding young man.
Colin: Thankyou! Listen to him, moms!
Wayne: Then maybe both of you would be better off together than with my daughter!
Ryan: What?! (BUZZ)

Wayne: Maybe both of you would be better off,
He's searchin' you, grabbin' it and making you cough,
Yeah because you're the best I ever saw,
Both of you should get married, some of these states have the law.

Ryan: Oh really? So you're saying...
Wayne: Maybe you should be with him, because my daughter is too good for you.
Ryan: Well that's...
Colin: Are you Jewish?
Wayne: Heeehhhhh?!
Colin: Oh. You know what? I have been feeling uncomfortable with the relationship.
Ryan: Really?
Colin: Maybe you're what I'm looking for...
Ryan: I've never thought about it, but maybe, I should be with a man!
Colin: And my mother-in-law's an ordained minister!
Ryan: Ordained minister! I'd love to see her marry us!
Wayne: See? I'm... I also speak Spanish.

Wayne: Sí sí, yo hablo español,
Mi lengua, from mi en sol,
Esto you, I do suposta,
E makea eeha, you be the esposa.

Ryan: Ahhh!

Show-Stopping Number: Shoe Store

(Episode 24.02) - Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie & Wayne Brady.

Colin: Ahh... so what are you looking for?
Ryan: I'm looking for something huge. In an Oxford.
Colin: Oh... (opens a box).
Ryan: Oh no I'm sorry, I'm looking for something huge in Oxford, I think I'm in the wrong place.
Colin: Are you alright? You seem very confused.
Ryan: Oh I had a little too much to drink today.

Ryan: I had... a little too much to drink today,
I had so much... I think, that I might be gay.
(he goes to continue but Laura & Linda end the song)

Colin: Well...
Ryan: I ah... I hope that wasn't too much for you to take in.
Colin: No, no... so I guess you want...
Ryan: The problem was I had a lot to drink and I think I might be gay.
Colin: Well you'll want the sensible shoes.
Ryan: Ah you bet. Something with a heel.
Colin: Yes. Well this ah... this was made... by a little Frenchman who hires elves.
Ryan: Oh it's beautiful. It fits beautifully.
Colin: Well it should fit. It was made from three llamas and a goat.
Ryan: Three llamas and a goat?

Colin: Those shoes are made from three llamas and a goat,
I also had three monkeys, made a nice coat,
It's really good, you are the bomb,
You're gay? That's dumb.

Ryan: So what you're saying is you have to sing faster?
Colin: Yeah.
Ryan: I get it. Okay I'm going to ah...
Wayne: (enters) Tingalingalingalingaling...
Colin: Welcome to Tingalings.
Wayne: Hello. I'm...
Ryan: Hi. I'm gay.
Wayne: Oh. A pleasure to meet you.
Ryan: Thankyou.
Wayne: I'm one of the cobbler elves.
Ryan: Oh!
Colin: Oh! I'm so glad you're here, we were running out of leather, I thought maybe you could use some of your magic to make a really good shirt...
Wayne: I'm not here to work.
Colin: What?
Wayne: I'm here to gather my things. The cobbler elves union, number 24, we're on strike.
Colin: What?
Ryan: The cobbler union is on strike?
Wayne: We refuse to be small for the big man.

Wayne: We refuse to be small for the big man,
We refuse to go down on the tall man, (Ryan & Colin look confused)
Because we're elves, we love ourselves,
And all those shoes are a-flyin' off the shelves.

Ryan: So, that's a no?
Wayne: Yeah that's a no. I wish I could help you, but I'm taking my things and I'm leaving.
Ryan: You know what? I don't think I'm gay at all.
Wayne: Are you sure?
Ryan: Yes.
Wayne: What's the test?
Ryan: Well there's only one test that'll work.
Wayne: The elf test?
Ryan: The elf test.

Ryan: Come over here on, and lay them on my lips,
I don't want to hear any jokes or any quips,
Don't open your mouth, I don't want any tongue,
Come around... (he turns around... but cracks up laughing)

Ryan: I can't say that, I'm sorry. I can't say it yeah.
Colin: Wow! Talk about a show-stopping number!
Ryan: You know what? You know what? You know, I am gay. Or else I would have got through that...
Colin: Well I'm closing up shop.
Ryan: You're what?
Colin: I've had it. There's too many weird people coming into my shoe shop. I've always wanted to really be a chiropractor.

Colin: I like to get people's bones and hear them crack,
Start at their feet, work up their back,
Twist their neck, make them stand straight,
(to Ryan) Oh I'm sorry 'cos I guess you're not straight.

Telethon: NBA Players

(Episode 11.12) - Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie host, Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady sing the song.

Ryan: Hello. Welcome back to hour six of the Professional Basketball Players Telethon.
Colin: (angry) That's right! We've been up for six straight hours!
Ryan: Let's just go check the tote board. $386,000,000 ladies and gentlemen. How can they live on that?
Colin: Come on!
Ryan: I see two phones that are not busy right now. Let's get those phones ringing. Let's let a man eat a decent meal.
Colin: In a five-star restaurant, preferably a casino, with lots of showgirls. Because to entertain you, they need entertainment! People! Come on!
Ryan: Colin, a little fact here... I'm not sure. Do you know what it costs to make one size-18 shoe?
Colin: No. No, Ryan.
Ryan: Three hundred and fifty dollars, and that's for one shoe, ladies and gentlemen, one shoe!
Colin: One shoe!
Ryan: Most of these players wear two! Help them out, give them a chance. Give them a chance at life.
Colin: Come on! Rodman needs more tattoos! You were a professional basketball player, weren't you?
Ryan: I was, for about a week. I could not make a living on what they paid. I had to get out. But a lot of men are stuck in that job.
Colin: That's right.
Ryan: They have families to feed. Some of these guys have three or four wives that they have to keep!
Colin: That's right. People, we're not the only ones worried.
Ryan: We're not.
Colin: We have assembled a great group of talented individuals.
Ryan: I don't know how we got 'em all in one place.
Colin: It's amazing. And they're here to sing a song that speaks out to each and every one of you.
Ryan: But keep those phones ringing!
Colin: Keep those phones ringing, let's bring out this talent right now. Please, a big hand!

(please e-mail me if you can identify the remaining impressions :-) )
Brad: Well, I don't think my life will ever be the same,
'Cause I can no longer watch an NBA game.
Wayne: My life is sunk,
Can't watch them slam dunk,
And it just won't ever be the same.
Brad: I wish those boys could take it to the hoop,
But every time they get there, there's a legal loop.
Wayne: (Michael Jackson) All that gear, hoo!, I'd be sportin', No longer can I watch Michael Jordan, oooh!
Brad: So come on and give these hoops a chance,
Wayne: Give these goops a chance, put your hands in the air!
Brad: Come on, reach into your pockets, right into your pants!
Wayne: Oh oh, you've got to put your hands together, I want to thank you all,
And for all these sixty NBA teams, they play basketball.
Brad: (B-52s) And if you want to see the love Shaq, baby, play here in L.A.,
You better hurry on down and give your money away.

Telethon: Sitcom Stars

(Episode 12.18) - Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie host, Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady sing the song.

Ryan: Hello and welcome back to our first hour.
Colin: Oh, I'm bushed...
Ryan: To save money for sitcom stars. Take it easy. We got to keep the phones ringing, people, we need to make some money. Let's check that tote board... 250 million, is that the best we can do?
Colin: That'll barely cover the hair mousse for the set of Friends. Keep giving, people!
Ryan: Ladies and gentlemen, you'll hear a lot of rumors about stars, how much they make. Drew Carey, for instance, a lot of people say he made 45 million dollars last year. After he pays taxes, he's lucky if he clears 30 million, ladies and gentlemen. A man has to eat! Please, Gary Coleman is a security guard! Send your money now!
Colin: Come on!
Ryan: Get those phones ringing!
Colin: What is wrong with you people? Sure, it's easy for you to go out there for your 9 to 5 job, working in the mines, or working mindless boring jobs. But these people have to do interviews! They have to endorse things they don't even use!
Ryan: I Love Lucy, won't you love Lucy too? Let's keep those phones ringing. Right now, we have some special guests that have come all the way from Laughlin, Nevada here today. Many many stars on our stage tonight, please welcome if you will, Bruce Springsteen...
Colin: ... and Stevie Wonder.

Wayne: Because I used to watch Leave it to Beaver too,
Doo doo doo.
It's true these people may more money than... you.
Na dada dada noooh.
Brad: Give your money to all these poor bleached blondes,
And help out good old Potsie, Chachi, Joanie and the Fonz.

Colin: It's Louie Armstrong!

Wayne: They need you money baby,
Because just 'cause I know, I know,
It don't mean you're rich if you've got two shows,
Ah da da da.

Ryan: Mick Jagger!

Brad: We all need a little money to help these stars.
Because a couple of them only have four motor cars.

Colin: Lieutenant Uhura from Star Trek!

Wayne: Captain, they need your help.

Ryan: The guy from the B-52s!

Brad: So if you see a star and he needs a little money,
So come on baby, give it to him, this isn't funny.
Just reach into your pocket and pull out some change,
Come on baby, help that star, it's not strange.

Ryan: And who could sum that up better, than Bill Cosby?

Wayne: Because they need the money,
Just like meeeee.
All these stars are funny,
Ha ha hee hee heee.
Thankyou ladies and gentlemen for coming out tonight.
We think it's great that... and remember, (Brad starts playing sax)
With me and Kenny G, it's because of you that I'm rich.
Ha ha ha ha...

Telethon: Thumbsuckers

(Episode 11.17) - Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie host, Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady sing the song.

Ryan: Hello, and welcome back. We're in hour 48, trying to raise money for people who suck their thumbs. You wouldn't think people like that would need the money. I know I didn't at first, but they do. Let's check our tote board and see... OK, someone's taken the tote board, so we're trying to raise money for a new tote board and then we're going to raise money for thumbsuckers. But today we have with us... sorry... a Mr Roger Phillips, Roger has been a thumbsucker, well, why don't I let him tell you, Roger, if you will come out please? Roger (shakes hands with Colin, who has thumb in his mouth) can you remove the thumb just for one minute to talk to the people at home? Roger, how long have you been sucking your thumb, and when did it first start happening?
Colin: It first started happening in the womb, almost 59 years ago.
Ryan: When you say "the womb", you mean your mother's stomach?
Colin: Yeah... it's very horrible... I... (sucks Ryan's thumb)
Ryan: Roger, no! And to help us raise the money we are very, very happy to have with us tonight, straight from their engagement in Laguna Beach, a cavalcade of stars, here to raise money for thumbsuckers. Welcome, please, a cavalcade of stars.

(again, please e-mail me if you can identify the remaining impressions :-) )
Brad: Well sucking thumbs ain't a pretty business,
I been doin' it since I was... 4 years old.
Wayne: (Stevie Wonder) Because the people say that sucking your thumb,
Oh, sucking your thumb is really dumb I've been told.
Na na na na na na na yes yes yes.
Brad: (Bob Dylan)I don't know why I suck my thumb,
Just when I taste it, people say "Hey, that looks dumb!"
Wayne: (Aaron Neville) Because the way I suck my thumb, I suck it legit,
People make fun when I suck on my fifth digit.
Brad: So when you're suckin' your thumb,
Make sure the tax-man doesn't come.
Wayne: (Sammy Davis Jr.) Everybody put your thumb in the air,
Just sway your thumb, like you just don't care,
Thumb, it can be your friend. (sucks thumb, Ryan & Colin join in)
Brad: It can be your chum, thumb,
It can be your thumb, chum.

Ryan: Thankyou, Sammy Davis Jr.

Title Sequence: Hillary and Monica

(Episode 12.34) - Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady sing the theme, acted by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Brad: One's the First Lady, the other's a tramp,
(Ryan looks prim)
Wife of, lickin' stamps,
It's Hillary. (Wayne: Hillary, and Monica)
And Monica Lewinsky.
She was so easy to please,
(Ryan takes out cigarette & offers one to Colin)
Even when she tripped and fell to her knees,
Oh yes I'm not talkin' about,
The First Lady.
(Ryan & Colin laughing & smoking)
Wayne: It's Hillary and Monica,
Monica and Hillary. (Brad: Hillary and Monica)
Hillary and Monica.
Brad: They're two of a kind,
That seen the same behind.
(Ryan & Colin pause and stare at each other)
Ooh de dap, da doo bap,
Doo dap, da dee ba daba doo. (Wayne: Do bee)
(Ryan & Colin turn away & walk)
Ba dida bap bap ba doo,
Dadidily dooden de da baa.
(Ryan & Colin bend down)
Wayne: Coming to the Playboy Network!

Title Sequence: Hillary and Monica (extended)

(Episode 13.00) - Brad Sherwood & Wayne Brady sing the theme, acted by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Brad: One's the First Lady, the other's a tramp,
(Ryan looks prim)
Wife of, lickin' stamps,
It's Hillary. (Wayne: Hillary, and Monica)
And Monica Lewinsky.
Wayne: Because these secrets you'll learn,
One got a job when she were an intern,
She said that job, it wasn't bad,
The only job description: she had to use knee pads.
Brad: She was so easy to please,
(Ryan takes out cigarette & offers one to Colin)
Even when she tripped and fell to her knees,
Oh yes I'm not talkin' about,
The First Lady.
(Ryan & Colin laughing & smoking)
Wayne: It's Hillary and Monica,
Monica and Hillary. (Brad: Hillary and Monica)
Hillary and Monica.
Brad: They're two of a kind,
That seen the same behind.
(Ryan & Colin pause and stare at each other)
Ooh de dap, da doo bap,
Doo dap, da dee ba daba doo. (Wayne: Do bee)
(Ryan & Colin turn away & walk)
Ba dida bap bap ba doo,
Dadidily dooden de da baa.
(Ryan & Colin bend down)
Wayne: Coming to the Playboy Network!

Title Sequence: Satan and the Schoolgirl

(Episode 12.24) - Chip Esten & Wayne Brady sing the theme, acted by Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.

Wayne: Coming this fall - Satan and the Schoolgirl!

Chip: Well, little Kelly was brushing her hair, had a dress right down to her knees,
(Ryan puts on lipstick, does hair, straightens dress)
When who should walk in her front door, was Mephistopheles!
(Colin enters with fingers behind head as horns, smiling, pokes Ryan with pitchfork)
Wayne: She was Catholic, so they began to fight and grapple,
(they slap each other)
But the feuding ended the moment Satan gave her his apple.
(Colin gives Ryan and apple and Ryan starts to eat it)
It's Satan (Chip: Satan) and the Schoolgirl,
Satan, (Chip: and the Schoolgirl) and the Schoolgirl.
(Colin uses fingers to give Ryan horns)
Both: It's Satan, and the Schoolgirl.
(Ryan looks evil and shows his dress getting shorter)
Chip: Well what will happen, who can tell?
The schoolgirl might go to hell.
(Ryan & Colin mime forked tongues coming out of mouths)
Wayne: You'd better believe this,
She's possessed, call the exorcist,
(Ryan & Colin give each other thumbs up & wave at people)
Both: Satan and the Schoo-ool-girl.
(Ryan & Colin put heads together and their horns get locked together)

Drew: I smell a spin-off!