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Mark's Guide to Whose Line is it Anyway?


Transcripts

Irish Drinking Song

Affair
Bar
(The) beach
Drew Carey
Food Poisoning
Met my lover at a job interview
Slept with an ugly woman
Voted for Ross Perot
Went on a date and had no money


The Affair Irish Drinking Song

Episode 21.14 - Wayne Brady, Gary Anthony Williams, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles

Aisha: I need a suggestion for a reason that you would get a divorce.... an actual reason to divorce someone.
Audience: (shouts suggestions)
Aisha: Ah yeah, OK. Alright, so... this is gonna... the we... the suggestion I got was adultery. So cheating. Alright, so a reason to get, to get a divorce, adultery, cheating.
Wayne: So it's a real reason.
Aisha: That is a real and actual reason, yes! Is it feel a little close to the bone tho is it? Is that what you were...
Wayne: Huh? (offended look)
Ryan: You're gonna be close to the bone in a minute I think...
Gary: Oh. Oh! Oh? Oooh! Oohhh. Oh. Oh!
Aisha: Hah! I'm gonna... for simplicity, I'm going to say affair. So let's hear the affair drinking song.

All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Wayne I met a lass in Kilkenny,
Gary: I loved her with my heart.
Ryan: But now she's done something bad,
Colin: When we made love she'd fart.
Wayne: She met someone else,
Gary: She left me clear and dry,
Ryan: I think I might divorce her,
Colin: And then I'll get real high.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Gary: I said "Whaddya doin'?",
Ryan: "You're breaking us up here!"
Colin: "You're screwing all over town!"
Wayne: "Givin' away your rear!"
Gary: She said "I ain't gonn' love ya",
Ryan: "I hate the sight o' your face!"
Colin: "Go and put out a fire!"
Wayne: Aaaaaah.... bitch.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Ryan: Did I mention she's a bitch?
Colin: She's very small and tall...
Wayne: Ahh hahaha... (cracking up),
Gary: Ah, done it all.
Ryan: I'll never forget that woman,
Colin: She ran off with my doctor,
Wayne: And now I realise,
Gary: I never should've sucked her.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Colin: We might get back together,
Wayne: Who knows, life is funny,
Gary: Life can be so strange my friend,
Ryan: I think I'll buy a bunny.
Colin: I don't know really what that means,
Wayne: She didn't ain't my thing,
Gary: It's just not who I am,
Ryan: Just hold my ding-a-ling.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-diiii-deeee-diiii-deeee-diiiiiii!


The Bar Irish Drinking Song

Episode 27.09 - Wayne Brady, Jeff Davis, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles

Aisha: What I need from the audience is a suggestion of somewhere you might go on a date, where's some place you might go on a date?
Audience: (shouts suggestions)
Aisha: Alright, yeah, that's good. Okay. Ah... well, apropos of everything, we're going to send your date to a bar.
Wayne: So, the Irish drinking song set in a bar? Whaaaaa?! This shit be crazy!
Aisha: So gentlemen, we're going to hear the bar Irish drinking song.

All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Wayne I picked a fur-fee-fak faadafee... (gives up)
Ryan: (carrying on) Ah durdee hurna mairee duree...
Colin: That was so committed!
Wayne: I smell toast! I smell toast!

All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Wayne I picked a place for our date,
Colin: It's called the Fox And Rose,
Jeff: It's my favorite bar in town,
Ryan: I drink out of a hose.
Wayne: Because I'm somewhat classless,
Colin: And always have some fun,
Jeff: And the girls are there so easy,
Ryan: Very few of them run.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Jeff: We both got into my car,
Ryan: She sat in the back.
Wayne: I sat with her,
Colin: I just stared at her rack.
Jeff: I leaned in for a little kiss,
Ryan: She gave me one on the cheek,
Wayne: And now we're married today,
Colin: I still haven't had a peek.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Ryan: Girls don't like drinkin',
Wayne: Girls want hugs,
Colin: They want to feel important,
Jeff: And really expensive drugs.
Ryan: They want a ring on their finger,
Wayne: Put a ring on it,
Colin: Because that's what we all want,
Jeff: I will write you a sonnet!
Ryan: (cracks up)
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee- (Jeff & Colin -di-dee-di-dee...) (Wayne: diiii-deeeee....)
Ryan: (doing impression) I will write... I will write you a sonnet!
Colin & Wayne: Diiiii-deeeee-diiiii-deeeee-diiiiiii!

Ryan: I will write you a sonnet! I will write you a sonnet!
Jeff: I will write you a sonnet!
Wayne: (impression) Di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di...
Jeff: (impression) Twins!
Aisha: Ah... everyone gets points!
Wayne: Oh!
Aisha: Yeah. Everyone.
Jeff: Even Ryan?!
Aisha: Especially Ryan... just because he made it all the way through that game and I don't even think he knew where he was.


The Beach Irish Drinking Song

Episode 21.22 - Wayne Brady, Keegan-Michael Key, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles

All: Ohhhh, aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye!
Wayne So I took my metal detector,
Keegan: And I went down to the sand,
Ryan: I took my wife with me,
Colin: She's the best in all the land.
Wayne: There was a beep-a-beepin,
Keegan: And we started to dig right through,
Ryan: What do you think I found there,
Colin: We started then to screw.
All: Oh, aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye!
Keegan: Well the sun glared damnly hard,
Ryan: I think I might have burnt,
Colin: I got her to rub on some oil,
Wayne: A lesson soon learnt.
Keegan: I put some oil upon my skin,
Ryan: And ran naked through the s-grass,
Colin: Oh I felt so lovely,
Wayne: And said kiss my black ass.
All: Oh, aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye!
Ryan: The cops ran up to us,
Colin: They arrested us on the spot,
Wayne: For public nudity,
Keegan: It wasn't us, oh not!
Ryan: We spent two days in jail,
Colin: With sunburns on our bum,
Wayne: Locked in the hoosegow,
Keegan: At least they could give us some rum!
All: Oh, aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye!
Colin: So we left the jail,
Wayne: We got bailed out,
Keegan: We took our towel and pail,
Ryan: My wife started to pout.
Colin: She started screaming at me,
Wayne: I said girl stop cryin',
Keegan: And then I told her to tack me,
Ryan: I've got a big dick no denyin'!
All: Oh, aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye!
Oh, aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-aye-dee-ayeee-deeee-ayeee-deeee-aiiiiiii!


The Drew Carey Irish Drinking Song

Episode 13.01 - Wayne Brady, Drew Carey, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles

All: Ohhhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Wayne I've seen him on network TV,
Drew: He's seen him on the streets.
Colin: He's always got a great big smile,
Ryan: He's looking kinda neat,
Wayne: He has short hair and glasses,
Drew: And other things that aren't so short,
Colin: He is very kind,
Ryan: And this I will retort.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Drew: I hear he is a nice guy,
Colin: He dresses really well,
Ryan: The tall guy on his show is funny,
Wayne: And the black guy's really swell,
Drew: But let's not forget his bald friend,
Colin: Because he's really good,
Ryan: Sure he's got lots of money,
Wayne: You'll never catch him in the hood,
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Colin: He's generous to all his friends,
Ryan: He's got lots of cash,
Wayne: And if you go over to his place,
Drew: He'll kick you in the ash,
Colin: He's got a great big TV,
Ryan: He lets you watch it there,
Wayne: And then you can watch the big screen,
Drew: At the Lilith Fair!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Ryan: His glasses are kind of funny,
Wayne: And people think they're fake.
Drew: Especially these glasses,
Colin: He is quite a rake.
Ryan: Oh but he's a very good guy now,
Wayne: And he has telepathic powers,
Drew: And he can fly through the airplane (oh shoot...)
Colin: He's worn a thong for hours!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-diiii-deeee-diiii-deeee-diiiiiii!


The Food Poisoning Irish Drinking Song

Episode 24.13 - Wayne Brady, Jeff Davis, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles

All: Ohhhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Wayne: So she ordered the shrimp,
Colin: It was a bad idea,
Ryan: I started to get a little cramped up,
Jeff: A touch of diarrhea.
Wayne: I excused myself from the table,
Colin: And ran to the back room,
Ryan: Then I just let loose,
Jeff: And my bowels they went kaboom!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Colin: I tried to act classy,
Ryan: I walked back in the room,
Jeff: Like nothing had ever happened,
Wayne: Nope, nothin' doin'.
Colin: But she could tell right away,
Ryan: I had to run again,
Jeff: I ran as fast as I could go,
Wayne: The porcelain was my friend.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Ryan: There was a knock at the door,
Jeff: It was a surgeon friend,
Wayne: "Are you okay in there buddy?"
Colin: "What's coming out your end?"
Ryan: I took an antacid,
Jeff: It did the trick,
Wayne: I was, like, "Yeah!",
Colin: Had swelling in my dick.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Jeff: Well when I came to next morning,
Wayne: Then, I said "What?!"
Colin: My pants were down around my knees,
Ryan: And you know, I found my butt.
Jeff: And then I looked at my date and said,
Wayne: Something was wrong,
Colin: Let what happens happen,
Ryan: Look at the size of my schlong!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-diiii-deeee-diiii-deeee-diiiiiii!


The Met My Lover At A Job Interview Irish Drinking Song

Episode 27.02 - Wayne Brady, Gary Anthony Williams, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles

All: Ohhhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Wayne: I took an ad out in the paper,
Gary: I had to fill out the forms,
Ryan: Who showed up at my door?
Colin: It was against the norm.
Wayne: She was beautiful,
Gary: I couldn't believe my eyes,
Ryan: I said have a seat,
Colin: And have a cheese pie.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Gary: She ate and ate and ate it,
Ryan: Boy she loved her cheese,
Colin: I hired her right on the spot,
Wayne: I married her on my knees.
Gary: And then the very next morning,
Ryan: She was eatin' more cheese!
Colin: Because she had a problem,
Wayne: I was like, "Cheese, please!".
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Ryan: Well she started to put weight on,
Colin: I decided then to go,
Wayne: Even more in love with her,
Gary: I still couldn't take no mo'.
Ryan: And then she ate some more cheese!
Colin: Bigger by the ton,
Wayne: She was more to love,
Gary: And so much more fun!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Colin: Well we broke up,
Wayne: A lass called HR.
Gary: That's the way life goes,
Ryan: I covered myself with tar.
Colin: Then I left the country,
Wayne: Put feathers on me,
Gary: Never again to see her,
Ryan: I'm just gonna say cheese!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-diiii-deeee-diiii-deeee-diiiiiii!


The Slept With An Ugly Woman Irish Drinking Song

Episode 13.06 - Wayne Brady, Brad Sherwood, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles

All: Ohhhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Wayne: Once when I was celebratin',
Brad: I went to bed,
Colin: I had too much to drink,
Ryan: Woke up to an ugly head.
Wayne: She turned over,
Brad: And I saw her face,
Colin: I screamed in surprise,
Ryan: And I sprayed her with mace.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Brad: I jumped round and ran away,
Colin: I put on all my clothes.
Ryan: And then I ran from the house,
Wayne: I hit her I do suppose.
Brad: But she chased right after me,
Colin: She got into her car.
Ryan: She didn't get there,
Wayne: She looked like Jamie Farr.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Colin: Although she was so ugly,
Ryan: I took her anyway.
Wayne: I used her to scare children away,
Brad: What the hey.
Colin: Boy it really worked good,
Ryan: I remember that day,
Wayne: That I took her to the dog park,
Brad: Then... what the hey!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Ryan: I tried to forget it,
Wayne: I tried to drink a lot.
Brad: Because she was so ugly,
Colin: She needed a name spot.
Ryan: Then that day would come again,
Wayne: That I'd meet her.
Brad: I was so scared,
Colin: It looked like someone had beat her.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-diiii-deeee-diiii-deeee-diiiiiii!


The Voted For Ross Perot Irish Drinking Song

Episode 13.04 - Wayne Brady, Greg Proops, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles

All: Ohhhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Wayne: Who's the little man,
Greg: With the giant ears,
Colin: I voted for him years ago,
Ryan: He bought me lots of beers.
Wayne: He was a millionaire,
Greg: And he had lots of cash,
Colin: And he used to use it all,
Ryan: He never bought me (bleep).
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Greg: He was a tiny billionaire,
Colin: Tiny as can be.
Ryan: He didn't get a lot of votes,
Wayne: He got me!
Greg: He ran on the reform ticket,
Colin: And he had big feet.
Ryan: But he's still my favourite,
Wayne: He cannot be beat.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Colin: His party was a strange one,
Ryan: I voted anyway.
Wayne: I went and I cast my ballot,
Greg: I laughed along the way.
Colin: He lost by a landslide,
Ryan: But I still support him so,
Wayne: I wonder what he's doing now,
Greg: I heard he lives alone!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Ryan: I hope he runs again someday,
Wayne: Maybe in a couple years.
Greg: I hope when he runs this time,
Colin: He gets better ears.
Ryan: Again he'll have my vote there,
Wayne: You will see.
Greg: Because there is no-one else,
Colin: Ha ha ha, he he.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-diiii-deeee-diiii-deeee-diiiiiii!


The Went On A Date And Had No Money Irish Drinking Song

Episode 26.08 - Wayne Brady, Jonathan Mangum, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles

All: Ohhhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Wayne: The night began so wonderfully,
Jonathan: She had a pretty smile,
Ryan: I picked her up at her house,
Colin: We walked for a mile.
Wayne: We entered into the restaurant,
Jonathan: I reached into me billfold,
Ryan: And then to my surprise,
Colin: I... had... nothing.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Jonathan: I was in shock and sweating,
Ryan: I was so embarrassed,
Colin: I had no cash on me,
Wayne: I felt so harrassed.
Jonathan: I snuck into the bathroom,
Ryan: I snuck out the back door,
Colin: I hope she doesn't find me,
Wayne: And beat me any more.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Ryan: She met me outside,
Colin: And said "What's with you?",
Wayne: She assaulted and assailed my manhood,
Jonathan: Yet she wore nice J.Crew.
Ryan: I apologised profusely,
Colin: I said so sorry so,
Wayne: So I'll take you on a second date,
Jonathan: And you will be my ho!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Colin: It actually turned out nicely,
Wayne: We got married on the Fourth of July,
Jonathan: We had thirteen kids,
Ryan: I found out she was a guy.
Colin: I still have no cash,
Wayne: Nope I'm still broke,
Jonathan: But I make the kids work illegally,
Ryan: But now I'm screwing a bloke.
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
All: Oh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-diiii-deeee-diiii-deeee-diiiiiii!