(Episode 3.05) - Two surgeons performing an operation, starting on 'L', with Mike McShane & Tony Slattery.
Mike: Lucky sod, you get off this weekend.
Tony: Michael, this is sudden. What causes jealousy?
Mike: Perhaps your wife doesn't happen to be the best nurse on the hall.
Tony: Quite, she isn't!
Mike: Really, I thought you had more tact and morals than that.
Tony: Silly person! Can't you see you've just taken out his windpipe?
Mike: Tracheotomy time!
Tony: That goes under the neck .... Under the neck, that goes!
Mike: Very good!
Tony: Whooo! We've done it.
Mike: The Xyvalogovu Ridge seems to be opening up.
Tony: Yes, that's right.
Mike: Zip that baby up and I'll break for all of us for lunch.
Tony: Awww, he's dead.
Mike: Big deal!
Tony: Careless butterfingers!
Mike: Doctor Cockup!
Tony: Every time!
Mike: Forget it, I'm hungry.
Tony: Good, me too.
Mike: Hell, let's go to that new salad bar.
Tony: I'd rather have a steak.
Mike: Well, jam it up my .... Jam it up my kaboga, I'll have a steak too!
Tony: Kaboga, what's that?
Mike: Linear tract of the ... forget it.
(Episode 5.09) - Two pilots landing a plane, starting on 'Q', with Tony Slattery & Mike McShane.
Mike: Quentin, can you open up the flaps? We're coming in pretty fast.
Mike: Sure is wild the way you work those wing flaps.
Tony: Terrance, there's something I've been meaning to tell you and I'd like to tell you before we land.
Mike: Under duress, I hope.
Tony: Very duress, yes.
Mike: Well, spit it out.
Tony: (long pause) Xerxes is my name, it's not Quentin after all.
Mike: Y'know, I'd suspected that for quite some time.
Tony: (long pause, reaches for radio) Zero Foxtrot Bravo, Zero Foxtrot Bravo, we're going to bank around the airport a couple of times.
Mike: Altitude seems to be holding up.
Tony: Bloody hell, the petrol's falling out of the back of the plane!
Mike: Cor, blimey, guv. We're going to crash!
Tony: Dive, dive, we gotta dive!
Mike: Enough of this folderol, quick, get back in the emergency fuel tank, try to get some speed up, we'll come back in slow.
Tony: Fuel tanks fractured!
Mike: Great Leaping Lungfish, we're gonna toast!
Tony: Help! Help! Help!
Mike: In case of an emergency scream real camp. Yeah, that's gonna do a lot of good.
Tony: Jeanette, Jeanette, serve us some coffee!
Mike: Knowledge of her name is not going to help us out of any situation for crying out loud.
Tony: Leave her alone, she's my wife as if you didn't know.
Mike: My woman, as if you didn't know.
Tony: Nanette, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Switzerland?
Mike: Oh, Nanette, you've been down there the whole time.
Tony: Please, Nanette, not now, we're going to crash.
(Episode 7.01) - Hamsters in a soap opera, with Greg Proops, Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie.
Clive: You have to perform a soap opera, but with one condition. You're hamsters.
Greg: What's wrong with you? Get some friends. Hamsters.
Clive: The hamsters are my friends.
Colin: (runs on wheel then climbs off)
Greg: Thank God you're done on that wheel. I thought you were going to be on there all day.
Colin: Get off my back.
Greg: Mum liked you. Mum didn't eat you.
Ryan: (enters) Sorry I'm late, I couldn't get here earlier. Hey, vodka! (stands there lapping at drink dispenser)
Greg: Mr Hamster Water-hog, someone's been eating all the kibble round here.
Ryan: Not me.
Greg: Yeah, yeah, it's been you. We were in your ... area last night. You've got food hidden under your wood chips. We saw you with your steeks all chuffed.
Ryan: What've you got to say about it Gary?
Colin: (has cheeks stuffed full of food - pauses, then tries to run away on the wheel)
(Episode 5.07) - "A Day in the Life of a Nursery School", with Jim Sweeney
(Lewis Carroll), Steve Steen (Jackie Collins), Tony Slattery (Disembodied head from the Sun TV commercials) and
Mike McShane (Dr Seuss).
Jim: Alice was feeling very flustered. The 5 year olds had just set fire to her feet. It was a perfectly normal Friday but somehow she felt a little stoned. "Don't bogue
up that joint fix" said the caterpillar in the corner. "Pass the duchy in the left hand side".
Steve: The caterpillar was called Blanche Du Celery, and she moved into the sunlight, arching her back and moaning slightly, her proud breasts standing out like pink...
Tony: And you can see them on page 3. There's always more nude caterpillars in the Sun.
Mike: Alice said, beyond belief, "I will not smoke that massive spleef.
That massive spleef is so huge, I feel like riding in your louge".
And the caterpillar then, he got in and said "My name is Ben.
Get in my louge and I will fly, we'll fly and then we'll say goodbye".
Jim: Alice suddenly had a screaming attack of the munchies, and the 5 year olds had taken away all her chocolate.
Steve: And then two Dutch lorry drivers came in. One was called Truck Van Rental, the other was called Hertz Van Hire.
Tony: They stood there playing the Alice Bingo Game, which ...
Mike: "If the game is done, I'd like to leave, my children have left before me I believe,"
The caterpillar said "You cannot go, we have to go to the planet Schmo".
And Schmo they went, and Schmo they did, and they found themselves a little kid,
who was part of a group but he was crying, and on his butt were two eggs frying.
(Episode 7.01) - Niall Ashdown being kicked out of the army, Ryan Stiles a doctor.
Niall: I love the army but I can't stay here any longer.
Ryan: Seems to me you're not very fond of the army.
Niall: (breaks down) I can't stand it.
Ryan: You're useless.
Niall: Go on, tell me I'm useless!
Ryan: You just don't match up to the other men.
Niall: (pulls pants up) Take them off now?
Ryan: Take those trousers off.
Niall: Why are you looking at my trousers?
Ryan: Let's have a look at it then.
Niall: Doctor, I've got a problem.
Ryan: Can I help you?
Niall: Hello, Doctor.
(Episode 3.09) - Various contestants screwing up in different games.
Bits That Went Wrong
Alphabet: One (of Josie & Sandi) talking the other into taking a parachute jump, starting on 'Q'.
Josie: Do we start with Q?
Clive: Start with Q and therefore end up with P at the end.
Sandi: She's been practising from A!
Josie: I have, I didn't realise that we were going to...
Clive: It's an innovation and the kind man in the audience has given us Q which is not an easy one to begin with.
Josie: Sorry, I've forgotten what we were...
Clive: Parachute, you can aim for that if you want, give you your last word.
Sandi: Queen's Regiment!
Josie: I'm sorry, can we start again?
Clive: In your own time, Josie!
Sandi: It's sad, we've only done one letter!
Paul Merton: Miss Marple entered the room. She said, 'If I'm not mistaken the Colonel was killed with this omnibus edition of the Guardian
crossword dictionary'. 'That's amazing, Miss Marple, how can you tell?' She said, 'I can tell, simply from looking at him, that he is a man who is...oh for
f***s sake, sorry, I got bored with that, can I start again?
Alphabet: Continued from above.
Clive: Okay, I'll give you help. It's R next.
Josie: A, B, C, D, E, F...
Tag: With Sandi Toksvig, Paul Merton & Mike McShane.
Clive: You bring out the worst in people, can you just be on your knees though?
Sandi: What do you mean I bring out the worst in people?
Clive: Or have you been on your knees all night?
Sandi: Sorry, I didn't quite hear that, BALDY!
Clive: It's probably because your ears are too close to the ground!
Paul: Are you bald, or is your neck blowing bubblegum?
(Mike congratulates him)
Clive: I'm not bald, I'm just taller than my hair!
Alphabet: Continued from above.
Clive: Okay, starting with the letter Q.
Josie: And what are we doing? Parachute jumping?
Sandi: Yes, dear.
Clive: Okay, then, starting with the letter Q, first parachute jump, away you go.
Sandi: Quantum mathematically speaking it's perfectly safe.
Josie: Right, I read that somewhere.
Sandi: So shall we go?
Unknown game: Mike McShane, Tony Slattery & Josie Lawrence.
Josie: Have you given up all your bad habits, dear?
Tony: No, he still picks his bottom!
Mike: Damn you, damn you, and I haven't stopped kissing men on the lips!
(Mike kisses Tony on the lips - Josie turns away, Tony stands there looking shocked)
(Episode R.05) - Stephen Fry, John Sessions, John Bird & Jimmy Mulville
demonstrate the worst people & worst ways to console Clive who has just broken up with his long-standing girlfriend.
Clive: Now the idea of this game is that I've just broken up with my long-standing girlfriend...
wouldn't tell my wife if I were you. And the contestants... if I were me in fact. And the
contestants are going to come along with the, sort of the worst possible people or the worst
possible ways to console me. And they're just going to do that, ad lib, as they want... just as
the fancy takes them. So who's... don't all rush! And I'll award points... if I feel like it.
Stephen: Well... Clive, there're plenty more fish in the sea, aren't they? Haha, not many more girls though but ah...
Jimmy: I mean... I mean honestly Clive, I mean take it from all of us here. She wasn't much good in bed, was she?
John S: Well, you see losing a girl... I mean, you know, it's one thing. But if... if you've lost a cat. Or um... or, or a pet you're fond of, it's, it's far more important. I mean you can't take a girl for a walk really, you know?
Stephen: I think, I think it's the best thing that's ev-ever happened for you that... you know, Jane leaving you. I think at last you can discover your true sexuality, Clive.
Jimmy: Hear hear!
John B: Well I think she's much better off with me anyway.
John S: You see now you can build all the things round the house you were not able to uh... get on with.
Jimmy: I mean but look on the bright side Clive, I mean you know, we all agreed that for those 14 years, she didn't sweat much for a fat girl.
Audience: (shocked laughs)
Jimmy: We'll cut that one out, that's alright.
John B: Well look at it this way, I mean with so many sexually transmitted diseases about now...
Jimmy: Which apparently she had.
John B: ... not just apparently either.
John S: Well, the thing you've got to remember is she's gone, okay... you've still got your own body...
(Episode 7.03) - "The Case of the Stolen Chicken", with Colin Mochrie as the judge,
Steve Frost as the prosecutor, and Ryan Stiles & Tony Slattery as the witnesses.
Colin: (bangs gavel on Steve's hand) Sorry. Order in the court, order in the court.
Steve: Objection. That bleedin' hurt.
Colin: Overruled. Call your first witness please.
Steve: Certainly your honour. I'm about to tie up the loose ends of this ridiculous chicken stealing case.
Tony: (enters in furry hat, covering his eyes)
Steve: Will you please raise your right hand. Put it down, that stinks. Now, give me your name please.
Tony: I am the dowager Duchess of Verona.
Steve: Ha HA!... Where were you on the 29th of the 5th of the 7th of the 4th of the ... I can't remember the date but it all ends in 72.
Tony: I was inserting myself in this badger. I'm afraid I won't be a terribly useful witness as I saw nothing.
Colin: I'm sorry, this witness is immaterial. Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.
Ryan: (enters in army officer's cap)
Steve: Now, your full name and rank please Lieutenant. Whoops, gave it away. Never mind.
Ryan: Lieutenant Jack, the frozen chicken king. I raise chickens, I kill 'em, I freeze 'em and eat 'em.
Steve: So this man would have every motivation to steal the chicken!
Ryan: Not really. I own the farm.
Steve: No further questions your honour. I made a complete prat of myself with that one.
Colin: You better come up with something more sustaining ... I'm tired, go ahead.
Steve: Will you please state your full name.
Tony: (enters in brown hat) 'Arry the 'at, 'arry the 'at, end of the pier comedian, joke for every occasion. 'Ere we go, why did the chicken die? Who knows?
Steve: That is what we are here to find out.
Tony: Look over there! (kicks Steve as he looks away)
Steve: Molesting the prosecutor your honour.
Colin: Objection!... Sustained!... This Courtroom is a Mochrie! (bangs gavel). I (bang) want (bang)
my (bang) next (bang) wit(bang)ness!!! (gavel breaks, the end flying off behind him).
Steve: I'm sorry your honour.... Where's the end of your gavel?
Colin: It's immaterial.
(Episode 9.13) - Greg Proops having a nightmare, with Steve Frost, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles as the ghosts of his past appearing behind him.
Greg: Oh... oh my God... I'm in England... Clive Anderson's head is so huge... he has no neck! He has no neck! ... Hilary Groves...
Colin: More Hoedowns! More Hoedowns!
Greg: Not Colin! Aaaaaarrrggghh!
Steve: Dan Patterson! Dan Patterson!
Greg: Oh, not Dan Patterson! He's the producer!
Greg: Ah! Ryan! You're so huge, and your name's usually Phil or Gary... oh... oh my God, I've woken up! I am in a studio in England!
(Episode 4.04) - Josie Lawrence & Tony Slattery as two people in a laundrette.
Tony: Your shirt ran very badly, didn't it, in the wash...
Josie: Sorry, you talking to me?
Tony: Yes I am. What cycle should I put my underpants on? I've got a raleign or a tandem. No, that's just my laundrette joke.
Josie: Let's have a look at your underwear then.
Tony: Ooh, it's embarrassing...
Josie: That's a funny tan colour... excuse me!
Clive: Do it in a depressed way.
Tony: That's not the colour of the underpants, I just had a bit of an accident...
Josie: I know, I can smell you from here.
Tony: It's depressing, isn't it?
Josie: It's depressing working in a laundrette.
Tony: I'll just turn down the horizontal hold on that shirt.
Josie: Speak for yourself...
Josie: Do you like my shirt?
Tony: I love that shirt, I can't get enough of it.
Josie: I like it too, and it tastes good. Would you like to try it?
Tony: Yeah. Get out of it first!
Josie: No! No! This shirt is mine, I tell you, mine!
Tony: No, it's mine!
Josie: And I want that jacket!
Tony: No, I want my underwear. I'm going to eat them!
Josie: You're pathetic, aren't you!
Tony: That's not pity, that's insult! Pity me, for I have just eaten my underwear in a public place.
Josie: Pity, pity, pity...
Clive: Let's end on lustily.
Josie: I don't want to pity you, I want to lick you! I want to lick them clean, I want to lick you clean! (licks)
(Episode 1.04) - Paul Merton briefs John Sessions on a dangerous mission. The ending line is "Oh dear, I've lost my shoe!", and John reads from "The Poison Party".
Every Other Line
Paul: Now you understand that this mission is extremely dangerous.
John: At least it died naturally, which is more than your circle seems to have managed.
Paul: I don't think this is the time to swap passwords, do you?
John: Charles, leave those cakes alone!
Paul: Yes, Charles, leave them alone. I'm sorry, I didn't know he was in here. Now, you've got to go to Nepal.
John: All the more reason why I should come and give you a surprise, darling!
Paul: I am lucky, I must admit it was going to be Bangkok. But... look, there's a parcel. This parcel here contains very secret documents. You must read them, digest them and then swallow them.
John: But why this pathetic touch? I mean, what's in the wind?
Paul: It's probably Charles again. I've no idea.
John: Well, Her Majesty is a little tired with affairs of state.
Paul: Indeed she is, yes, that's why she's given me this job to do.
John: And tired, and also hungry, and less for thoughts, that's nothing like food for the dumps.
Paul: Now don't have a go at the Dumps, they're my oldest friends!
John: You're exactly like your poor father.
Paul: My father, he went mad, didn't he?
John: (I've done that line...) It's nearly five, you must go to the garden of the winged cupid and carry out your mission.
Paul: My mission? It started off with me giving you a mission! And then Charles came in, and you insulted the Dumps, and then... oh dear, I've lost my shoe!
(Episode 1.12) - Stephen Fry trying to book an airline ticket from Josie Lawrence
and in a bit of a hurry. The ending line is "It's not as small as it looks!", and Josie reads from "The Happiest Days of Your Life".
Every Other Line (2)
Stephen: Right, well, I don't want to beat around the bush, so I'll let you have it straight away. I'd like to book an airline ticket and I'm in a bit of a hurry. I think that pretty much covers the facts.
Josie: A gross misdemeanour has been committed.
Stephen: Well, I'm very sorry to hear that, but I hope it won't stop you from going about your business in the normal way and handing over an airline ticket with all due dispatch.
Josie: Against my girls, and one of your boys was responsible.
Stephen: No, I d... I've been keeping an eye on them, they've all been in a very ordinary crocodile, as you can see, and your girls are behind the desk, doing their business. One of them had a catapult, but I confiscated it yesterday.
Josie: Someone has punctured their back tyres.
Stephen: (looks behind desk) Well, you may be right there. I suppose it could have been a catapult, and I'm very sorry, but still, if you don't mind straight away if I could have an airline ticket?
Josie: With treacle?
Stephen: I think we may have some rather severely crossed lines here. Um, no, I wouldn't like to eat the ticket, with or without treacle, honey, marmalade, or anything of the kind. Just a plain, ordinary, 'vanilla' if you like, airline ticket.
Josie: With treacle and with toolbags. A boy or boys has put treacle in the toolbags of my girls.
Stephen: Is this some kind of strange euphemism for something...? Toolbags. What, the toolbag has a vaguely kind of...
Josie: In their toolbags? That's a new one to me!
Stephen: Well, it's possible. They're only sort of nine, I mean you know... I doubt their toolbags are that advanced. Maybe I mean, Johnny there, I admit he's one of the ones because he has got a toolbag that, frankly, is not as small as it looks!
(Episode 3.04) - Josie Lawrence discusses Volvos in Swedish, with Paul Merton translating.
Josie: Ya biken harden haden do, veil sun de heka hoka he.
Paul: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I am very pleased to be here tonight.
Josie: Vladi hun da de da its ho da dooden da.
Paul: Have you ever had sex with a horse?
Josie: Oh fladi dim da da.
Paul: I have, I have!
Josie: Daden ba dida, Volvo, Volvo.
Paul: Sometimes I drive to the stables in my Volvo.
Josie: Ah bracken shpida.
Paul: I've got my eye on a palomino at the moment.
Josie: Na nina nin ya Paul, va dun yada ed din ya voydendida.
Paul: I mean, I'm not bothered. Ponies, palominos, cart horses - it's all the same to me.
Josie: Jabin odi badulk ya va deda ooh vlada vidol da de bada petrol ba dida.
Paul: Ah, my favourite aftershave on a horse is petrol.
Josie: Bla di da dejun a dina Paul.
Paul: Anyway, I should be talking about the car.
Josie: Ya, ya, ya!
(Episode 7.08) - "The Salesman Arrives", with Steve Frost, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles.
The film played is of military officers attending a ballet. Transcribed by Brian Barjenbruch.
Steve: (lowers binoculars) If you put boot polish on these binoculars, I'll kill you.
Colin: Wowowowowowowow! What's your wife doing there?
Steve: Never mind that, get this caterpillar off me face (his character has an
enormous drooping moustache) I can't stand it, it's tickling. If it turns into a butterfly, I'll go crazy.
Ryan: (character enters) 'Scuse me, gentlemen, I wonder if any of you might like
to buy some lederhosen?
Colin: (to Steve) I think he's talking to you, Phil, I don't wear lederhosen.
(to Ryan) Hey you, what kind of lederhosen do you have? What's the price?
Ryan: Well, we have all different types. I'm sure the man down there that looks like a walrus might like some!
Steve: Do you have split-crotch lederhosen?
Colin: (to Ryan) Well, do you? Answer the man!
Steve: I said ...
Ryan: Yeah, I heard you. If I throw you a salmon will you shut up?
Steve: I don't like him. Take him outside now. Deal with him.
Ryan & Colin: (characters leave balcony through the curtain at the back)
Colin: I'm sorry you insulted my friend.
Ryan: Well, he's probably not used to living in these warm temperatures.
Colin: (character slaps Ryan's and storms off)
(Episode 3.12) - Two guys mending a roof, with Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
Film and Theatre Styles
Ryan: (Hammering, drops hammer through roof)
Colin: Oh, well there's another hole. Okay, we have fifteen holes now.
Ryan: I guess I should get a lighter hammer. Look, Phil, when you asked me over
I told you I didn't know a lot about roofs. You know.
Colin: Well you're right. Look, look at this. You've used salami to try to cover the hole.
Clive: I think we're there already... Surreal.
Ryan: What's wrong with salami? (puts hands on face).
Colin: (starts dancing around) Salami is the breath of life.
Ryan: Salami is my world, I live in.
Colin: I am your bread...
Ryan: Yay for salami. Yay for salami. Yay for salami...
Clive: Okay, let's have Kung Fu.
Ryan: (throws stars at Colin - speaks as if badly dubbed) Hey-get-out-of-there.
Colin: (starts swinging nunchukas, hits himself in the eye)
Clive: Okay, let's do... let's do some Shakespeare.
Ryan: If I were but a salami that I could prepare a roof I would be a luncheon meat like you.
Colin: That dost true. (windmills arms). Now watch me as I cleave the air with my arms as to give my statement more import.
Ryan: Yea, but if I were a man like my woman I would be my wife.
Colin: Aye. I do not mean to prick thy illusions, but if you were a woman thy prick you should not have.
Clive: Okay, let's finish on a B Movie.
Colin: (slaps wrist)
Both: (start waving arms, swatting at a whole lot of bees)
(Episode 7.03) - Two people in a canoe in the Amazon, with Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
Film and Theatre Styles (2)
(suggestions include Simpsons, Power Rangers, Mission Impossible, Grange Hill, Neighbours, Whose Line is it Anyway?)
Colin: Damn pirahna.
Ryan:You know, the hippos are quite fierce here too, I hear. You wouldn't think of them as a mean animal, but they can rip a man apart.
Colin: What about a woman?
Ryan: Well, a woman can rip a man apart too, but...
Clive: Mission Impossible.
Colin: Play the tape, hear what our mission is again.
Ryan: (as tape) Hello gentlemen. Your job is to head up the river, should you choose BANG!. (as himself) Self-destructed early then. How do we know what we're supposed to be doing?
Colin: Let's go over to the bank over there... I have to get some money anyway.
Clive: L.A. Law. L.A. Law.
Colin: Why, this bank machine won't take my card!
Ryan: Why don't you try mine, Bob?
Colin: This is mine. You stole it!
Ryan: Sue me.
Colin: I will... sue ya!
Ryan: If you can catch me! (Paddles off)
Clive: Star Trek.
Colin: In fact, I'll just beam over.
Ryan: (puts hand on Colin's head, reading his mind) I didn't know you thought of me that way.
Colin: It has been 7 years. It's time for my poon farr.
Ryan: There seems to be another canoe coming into our zone.
Colin: My God, it's a hippo!
Clive: Dinosaur movie.
Ryan: You're sure those are hippos?
Colin: (does dinosaur impression)
Ryan: My God!
(Episode 9.17) - "Attack of the Giant Bananas", reviewed by Barry Norman (Rory Bremner) and performed by Greg Proops, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles.
Rory: Ah yes, all of which bring us, and rather neatly I thought, to the world of film. Need I say more?
No, I needn't, but that's never stopped me before. And, in a sense, what are critics for? The
depressing sequel to "What are critics 3". And so, onto... onto this week's film, "Attack of
the Killer Bananas". Ah yes. And, in a special geest appearance, Ryan Stiles and... ah yes, and
they don't come much sicker than that. As in all science fiction movies, it begins in the control
room at Houston, where something on the screen has gone disastrously wrong.
Colin: What's wrong Smithers?
Ryan: We've lost contact with the ship, sir. It seemed to just... slip away.
Colin: What do you mean?
Ryan: Well, one minute it was there, and the next moment it just... slipped away.
Greg: Whoah! (slips past in background)
Colin: My God! Outside the complex! Giant squished banana!
Ryan: That must be what I saw up there! I saw a cigar shaped object, but.. they're kinda
similar, aren't they?
Colin: Yes... it's got... certain appeal.
Ryan: Send me up there in the XK-49. I'll get rid of those bananas.
Colin: You fool! We haven't even tested that out yet.
Ryan: I don't care! Someone's gotta save earth!
Rory: Ah yes, sadly, one turn does deserve a sequel. And later on, of course, how many
bananas do we get? One banana, two banana, three banana, quite possibly four. And when you
consider the damage that can be done by one banana, think what could be done with a bunch,
when all the scientists mysteriously transfer themselves into yellow vegetables, or indeed fruit,
depending on which takes your fancy. Anyway, here's a scene where they get together... here's
a scene where they get together, and make trifle.
Greg: Citizens of earth!
Ryan: (enters and stands behind him)
Greg: Stay in your homes! I am the Chief Banana! This is my bunch!
Colin: (enters, stands in front of Ryan)
Greg: We are coming to your planet to take over! There is no hiding! Everyone will slip
and fall and everyone will laugh! Hahahahahahaha!
Ryan: Hahahahahahaha (peels himself)
Greg: There is no use resisting us! We have no seeds! And we are delicious and full of potassium!
That is all!
Rory: The wonderful Greg Proops literally acting out of his skin there. But, how to end the film?
Well, of course, you have to call in that great space detective, Alec Guinness, here played
memorably by Colin Mochrie, who manages to find out exactly what's been going on, and solve it
within one minute.
Greg: You do not frighten me! I have seen you and your Oscar! Hahahahaha!
Ryan: Sir! He's the Commander Banana. Get rid of him and the rest will go with him.
Colin: Use the sauce!
Ryan: The sauce. By...
Greg: Not the sauce... ah! AH!
Ryan: Look, the banana's split!
(Episode 6.11) - "The Revenge of the Sheep Shearer", narrated by Greg Proops and acted by Tony Slattery, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie.
Clive: Can somebody suggest an imaginary film title?
Audience member: Sheep cutting.
Clive: You changed that, didn't you, as I was turning around. Alright, the revenge of the sheep shearer. Make it the revenge of the sheep shearer.
Greg: That's not what he said!
Clive: I know, but I'm turning it into a film title. Don't quibble.
Greg: I shan't quibble Mr Anderson. Pray, let us move on. Comedy awaits!
Clive: It's been awaiting for some time, Greg!
Greg: Revenge of the sheep shearer then.
Clive: Yeah, if that's not too much trouble.
(trailer music begins)
Greg: From the people who brought you "Sheep Cutting" it's "Revenge of the Sheep Shearer", a movie which takes place in the heart of the Basque country. She was
a young girl with loving on her mind.
Greg: He was a vicious bass warrior who bit the testicles off sheep.
Tony: No, what fresh hell is this?!
Tony & Ryan: (exit)
Greg: He was a facistic Spanish colonel who would get his way no matter what.
Colin: (enters) I want my way!
Greg: See the thrilling chase through the mountains with Daisy the Wonder Sheep! Thrill to the flight for freedom as there's a punchout using payaya!
Tony: (throwing food at Ryan) Take some prawns!
Greg: See the facistic colonel beat Daisy and everone else within his reach with a birch rod!
Colin: I told you, I'm very dangerous!
Greg: Starring Deep Sleazely as the facistic Spanish colonel.
Greg: Hear him say:
Ryan: I love the Dutch!
Greg: Carl Nibbley as Veronica.
Greg: Hear her heave fretfully:
Tony: I've split my pants, look!
Greg: And introducing Dalia Anderson as Daisy the Wonder Sheep.
Colin: (enters) Now the sheep's hit the fan!
Greg: It's "Revenge of the Sheep Shearer". No-one will be seated during the last three mutton. Coming to a theatre near you.
Clive: Okay, well done... well, um... um... Tony, you deliberately split your trousers there...
Tony: I did not!
Clive: ... to get some cheap, in order to get some cheap laughs.
Tony: I didn't!
Clive: And you get double points for that, well done. Now, we do a game called 'Moving People', this is... Colin and Ryan are going to
be doing this... leave yourself alone, Tony! Time enough for that later! Now, they've got to act out a scene but they can't move on their
own, they have to be put into position by... what's happening?
Greg: What is this?
(Colin & Ryan walk down for Moving People, Tony continues fiddling with himself, Richard and Greg check out Tony's pants)
Clive: There's too much for Jim!(?)
Greg: I can't describe what I just saw!
(Ryan runs off waving his arms frantically)
(Episode 6.11) - "Farewell My Porcupine" in Italian, acted by Tony Slattery and Ryan Stiles, translated by Colin Mochrie & Steve Frost.
Foreign Film Dub
Tony: Est un pico enorme.
Steve: It's got a lot of pricks.
Ryan: Baronte gallo butote daborte undallo.
Colin: And so does my porcupine.
Tony: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ryan: Alorde alobadrino patotga ters i dont know.
Colin: I found this porcupine in Sweden where I studied for a long time.
Tony: Diara cotua de gorara mozarella.
Steve: It's a good job I've got my asbestos gloves on.
Ryan: He barole ef balone. E cullatore rabina de cutone.
Colin: You're right.
Tony: Invarmio invarmio. Carlo sarlo sarlo. Una twenty pizza quattro staggioni.
Steve: Can't you see what I'm trying to say? I love you, I love you, I love you mad fool.
Ryan: Sadorl, badorl de badorl, et daborl meson de badorl.
Colin: I'm sorry, I can't return that love. I must raise these porcupines and do something with them.
Tony: Egatso, egatso, is e a chef from the muppets.
Steve: Nice haircut.
Ryan: Gachino e largarato e la benji.
(Episode 6.02) - Funeral for Frederick the Trampolinist. Greg Proops, Ryan Stiles, Josie Lawrence & Mike McShane
attend the funeral.
Clive: It's trampolining.
Greg: Yes, we have it in America. Yes, Mr Patronising Barrister, we have it in America.
Clive: Okay, I think you can take over now from this and introduce...
Greg: Cheers matey.
Greg: Well, we're all gathered here after the trampolining thing that happened to Frederick, and afterward, because Frederick is the festive sort, we're gonna have a
Twister party mardi gras throwdown, but first (cough) some appropriate mourning. Gordon, you were Frederick's trainer, you were there at the end, maybe a few
words, if you would?
Ryan: Well, yes, I knew Frederick for many many years. I met him at a club when he was a bouncer, years before that. I think the one fatal mistake he made was
renting that basement suite.
Greg: Yes, low ceilings did not suit him.
Ryan: Not very good at all... Is it time for Twister?
Greg: No, not quite yet. Tineesha, you were dating Frederick up to the end, and he gave a surpise in his will, didn't he, for you? I wonder would you remember of
Frederick briefly for us, if you could keep it together?
Josie: (crying) Frederick was the sweetest man I ever knew. He taught me how to trampoline wearing nothing but a tutu. And he has got this lovely way of lying on...
but that's another...
Greg: Yes, thankyou, Tineesha, thankyou.
Ryan: I'd like to hear a little more...
Greg: No, no.
Mike: After the Twister.
Greg: The caterer is coming at 4, so...
Mike: Oh, good.
Greg: Randall, you probably knew Frederick better than anyone, you were his twin. I wonder, his last wish was that you say the final words.
Mike: Well, I always think back to when we were kids and we had the bunk bed, and I never got very much sleep with him underneath me, I ...
Greg: Thankyou. He left you out of the will. Now, I wonder...
Ryan: Just a tutu was all?
Greg: Frederick asked that we all sing a hymn, that we write here and, well, if you wouldn't mind joining me, brothers and sisters?
All sing: Mmmmm.
Frederick was a brave old man,
And lost his life.
Greg: Now let's play Twister.
(all do the Twist)
(Episode 6.11) - 'Extra Bits' - song from the funeral for John the Trainspotter. Ryan Stiles, Steve Frost, Colin Mochrie & Tony Slattery.
All: John was watching trains that day.
When a lo - co - mo - tive came a - long.
Aaeewwwuuuaaa... And it wasn't....
Episode 7.03) - Gardening, with Steve Frost narrating, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie acting.
Hey You Down There
Steve: Lovely day, isn't it boys?
Colin & Ryan: (yes)
Steve: Just right for doing a spot of digging, that's right.
Colin & Ryan: (dig)
Steve: But wait a minute. What about that shovel you're using? Shouldn't you unwrap it first?
Colin & Ryan: (whoops!)
Steve: That's right. Always check your equipment.
Ryan: (pokes Colin in eye with shovel)
Steve: Safety in the garden is very important.
Colin: (hits Ryan in groin with shovel)
Steve: Always check each other's equipment. Wait a minute, is that greenfly I see?
Ryan & Colin: (yes)
Steve: Uh oh, boys, they shouldn't be there, should they?
Ryan & Colin: (no!)
Steve: How do we get rid of those?
Ryan: (pours pesticide)
Colin: (shoots gun)
Steve: That's right, as quickly as possible.
Ryan: (throws grenade)
Steve: Now, let's put those seeds in.
Colin: (plants seeds)
Ryan: (goes to drop pants, then corrected by Colin)
Steve: That's right, we want some decent marijuana next year don't we.
Ryan: (does drugged look)
Steve: And we can smoke it all in the bottom of the shed. But don't forget to disguise it so that the police don't see it. What do we use?
Ryan & Colin: (cover plants)
Steve: That's right. Giant garden gnomes. No wonder they smile all the time. Wait a minute, look, it's growing already, hey, that must be good stuff. Let's try it out.
Ryan & Colin: (roll huge cigarettes and smoke them)
Steve: That's right guys, remember: grow it, sow it and blow it.
(Episode 8.02) - Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie try to sell a book with no pages, a banana skin, and an unflushable toilet.
Ryan: Hi, it's 3 o'clock and it's time to buy, buy, buy. All you people at home get your credit cards out 'cause we've got some deals for you today, haven't we Bobby?
Colin: That's right.
Ryan: Well, Bobby hasn't got much to say today.
Colin: What was our first thing we're going to sell?
Ryan: Probably what you've got in your hand, Bobby.
Colin: Oh, yes. Now, what does this look like to you?
Ryan: Hmmm. Looks like a book full of words to read at night.
Colin: No, and isn't it irritating every time you pick up a book you have to go through so many words?
Ryan: And you know, when I fall asleep at night I find I'm reading and not even taking in what I'm reading, I'm asleep.
Colin: Exactly. That's why we have this.
Ryan: A book with no words?
Colin: That's right. You save time. There's the title, you're finished! Bored? Look at this for 20 minutes, you're asleep!
Ryan: Holy smoke, but you're bright and peppy for the next day!
Colin: You're bright and peppy. How much would you buy this for?
Ryan: Eighty-five pounds?
Colin: You're crazy!
Ryan: Fifty pounds?
Colin: You're crazy!
Ryan: One hundred and thirty-four pounds?
Colin: ... Yeah.
Ryan: Wow, that's not a bad deal.
Ryan: Especially for you folks living in Canada, that's only twenty-two dollars. What's this look like to you, Bob?
Colin: Why, that looks like a discarded banana peel!
Ryan: The type you slip up on?
Colin: That's right!
Ryan: The type you get hurt at?
Ryan: The type you use to meet that special someone?
Colin: What are you saying?
Ryan: Ow, I've fallen, my leg hurts, lady can you help me, lady can you help me, da da da da (wedding music), I do!
Colin: It is a perfect matrimonial maker.
Ryan: Yes, and it's also a great new look. Who am I? (puts it on his chin).
Colin: Abraham Lincoln.
Ryan: Who am I? (puts it on his head) Rasta man! Rasta man! Who am I? (puts it on upper lip, like Hitler moustache).
Colin: Abraham Lincoln.
Ryan: It doesn't matter, you see. That's the plan.
Colin: Hey, we have one more thing.
Ryan: Well, what is it?
Colin: Well we have it all backed up... We're backed up with thousands of them. Unflushable toilets. Complete with everything you see here.
Ryan: Finally! Finally! I'm not one to brag, but sometimes I like to take a look at what I have, but I forget all about it, I can't see it, boom, it's gone. But unflushable
toilet, it's there to see forever!
(Episode 4.03) - At a barbecue. Jim Sweeney replaces 'B' with 'F', Steve Steen replaces 'S' with 'T'.
Jim: Hello there, Farry.
Steve: Hello, tunthine!
Jim: Enjoying the farfecue?
Steve: Yeah, not bad, not bad.
Jim: Would you like a bit of foiled fish?
Steve: Fith? Fith? You know I hate fith!
Jim: It's foiled. I foiled it myself.
Steve: I can't thomach fith! I can't thomach fith! It makes me tick! Tick all over the place!
Jim: Have a slice of fread and futter?
Steve: No, no, no. It makes me thit.
Jim: Look, there's Fen over there. Your mate Fen, Farry!
Jim: Yes it is.
Steve: It's not Fen. No, it's Tam. Hiya Tam!
Jim: Tam? He's a fig fella isn't he?
Steve: He's a tod. He's a bloody tod, Tam.
Jim: A floody tod?
Steve: A floody tod.
Jim: A floody tod, Tam, he's a fig floke isn't he?
Steve: He walked off with my mittut. Walked off with my mittut.
Jim:What a fastard!
(Episode 8.10) - Steve Frost tells Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie about their mission to clean the toilet.
Ryan: I gotta go.
Colin: Better play the tape first.
Ryan: Should I put this in? (inserts & plays tape)
Steve: Gentlemen. Welcome.
Ryan: (quietly) How are you?
Steve: I can't hear you.
Ryan & Colin: (louder) How are you?
Steve: This week, I have a mission for you. Should you wish to accept it, then you must do it.
Colin: Let's fast forward to the good part.
Steve: (fast forwarding noise) Repetez apres moi.
Ryan: Oh, a little further.
Steve: (fast forwarding noise) Upstairs in the small room there is a toilet. You know the one?
Ryan & Colin: Aha.
Steve: It needs, and hear this, it needs ... CLEANING!
Colin: It can't be done!
Steve: It can be done, men.
Ryan: It can be done, apparently.
Steve: But gentlemen, there is one small catch. It's just been used by Bernard Manning,
so it's very dangerous up there. Good luck. This tape will ... Oh, it already has.
Colin: I'll bring up Bernard Manning on the computer.
Ryan: Any idea?
Colin: Yeah, he was there.
Ryan: I'm going to rub myself down with cooking oil. Just 'cause it feels good.
Colin: I'm going for the stairs. Quick, quick, quick.
(Colin runs for stairs, Ryan pushes lift button. Colin runs up many flights of stairs while Ryan stands in lift looking bored)
Ryan: (starts rubbing himself down again)
Colin: Stop that! We've got work to do.
Ryan: There it is.
Colin: Give me those suction pads (climbs along wall with suction pads). I'm over the toilet.
Ryan: Hang on for a sec (fires grappling hook, swings over). I'm over the toilet.
Colin: Get the brush.
Ryan: The brush?
Colin: The brush, didn't you bring the brush?
Ryan: I thought you were bringing the brush. You're the brush guy.
Colin: Alright, we're going to have to use your head.
Ryan: And the hairs from your chest (grabs hairs).
Colin: One ... go, go.
Ryan: (ducks head down) Smells like Bernard.
Colin: You're down too long! Get up, get up!
Ryan: Can't ... the suction! Quick, Plan B!
Colin: I'm pulling.
Ryan: Put the jet pack on, put the jet pack on.
Colin: (flies around room on jet pack) On you or me?
Ryan: (grappling hooks Colin and escapes)
Clive: Well, that's the first time we've literally gone down the pan...
(Episode 7.08) - Colin Mochrie a woman customer in Ryan Stiles' hardware store. Narrations in italics.
Colin: I was hoping he had the kind of hardware I needed. I'm a hard woman to please. Even harder to look at.
Ryan: Can I help you?
Colin: Yes, I'd like a big hammer.
Ryan: I knew she wanted a big hammer. Maybe a couple of nails and a good screw. I showed her what I had to offer.
Well, ma'am, you might want to take a look along the shelves.
Colin: As I looked along the shelves, I could feel his eyes looking at every
curve of my body. I could almost hear his heart scream "I want you".
Ryan: I hope you have a man around the house who can help you with those kind of things.
I knew she didn't because I'd gotten a look at that big butt of hers. I knew there
wasn't a man in Essex that would go after her. That'll be $59.95.
Colin: He was charging me way too much. I knew that I would have to kill him.
Kill him like all the other men who were just scum and treated me like dirt, not
realising that inside me was a beautiful person aching to get out and would never get....
Ryan: Hey, $59.95!
Colin: (pulls a gun) I'm sorry, big boy. That's the last overcharging you'll ever do.
Ryan: She pulled a gun on me. She didn't know that behind her was the store manager Phil with a shot gun.
Colin: (steps forward to narrate, Ryan grabs the gun) I fell for the old
store manager Phil behind me with a shot gun gag. That was the eighth time this week.
But he didn't know that Elmer, my pet termite, was crawling up his leg ready to bite into his jugular...
Ryan: What am I? Stupid?
(Episode 3.05) - News Report on The Grand Old Duke of York, with Sandi Toksvig hosting, Tony Slattery as the expert, Colin Mochrie as the interviewer and Mike McShane as one of the 10000 men, and owner of the hill.
(As the music plays, Tony is picking his nose and Sandi is yawning loudly. They snap to attention as the music ends and they realise they're on).
Sandi:Good evening, and welcome to "We Know More Than You Do", where we patronize you in prime time. And this evening a very exciting story, it's a royal story,
and with us an expert in the studio. Now, the Grand Old Duke of York, been with rather a lot of men, hasn't he?
Tony: He's been with rather a lot of men. I think this is the most important point to clarify, the latest reports coming through from Reuters is that he has in fact had ten
Sandi: Okay, thankyou, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to stop you there. We've got one of those men, he is exhausted but he is going to speak to us in the field.
Colin: Ten thousand men. You were one of them. When you were up, you were up, and now you're down. How do you feel?
Mike: Man, he's a Grand Old Duke and party 'til you puke. I tell you, that guy could go for hours, I mean, I was number 359 and I thought he'd be steaming, but he
was still ready to jazz, baby.
Sandi: Okay, back to the studio here and a bit of a comment from the Peerage de Bretts expert.
Tony: I think one of the things to bear in mind is that there were points in which he was only half way up.
Sandi: Okay, okay, jolly good, we've actually got the farmer who owns that hill. Been trampling up and down, ten thousand men with the Grand Old Duke of York,
how's he feeling?
Colin: Alright, your entire crops have been trampled by ten thousand men. What... how do you feel?
Mike: Well, I'm planning on taking the crushed wheat and selling it to the Shreddies corporation.
Sandi: Thankyou very much, that's it, one final word?
Tony: Well, it's just come through on Reuters again that he is in fact going to be rechristend "The Grand Old Duke of Pork".
Sandi: Yes, you heard it here first. We'll be back with more news as it happens.
(Episode 6.11) - 'Extra Bits' - News Report on David & Goliath, with Greg Proops hosting, Tony Slattery as the expert, Colin Mochrie as the interviewer and Ryan Stiles as David.
News Report (2)
Greg: Good evening. I'm Deliciously Huge. And welcome to Hey, Bolivia, Kay Tel, the show where we talk about biblical stories taking place in South America. We
have an expert with us tonight on the story of David and Goliath, the short Jewish man and a huge Philistine. We have with us Dr Esteban Mouella.
Tony: Well the thing about David and Goliath was that they were supposed to be enemies but let me tell you I have some photos of them on holiday in Morocco. Look
Greg: My God. He's not as small as he looks, doctor. Oh my god, someone's in my ear. It's Link Sausage, he's out in the field with a special report.
Colin: And then you sautee the carrots very ... oh, sorry. Deliciously, we're standing here in the field with David who's about to meet Goliath in the match up of the
century. David, how do you feel?
Ryan: I'm going to put that big bastard right on his back, right on his back, and I'm issuing a challenge to any other giants out there, I'll see you at the forum on Sunday
(Episode 7.04) - Caroline Quentin giving birth, Tony Slattery as the father, and
Ryan Stiles the obstetrician who used to be a hostage negotiator.
Old Job New Job
Tony: Push down, darling, come on, it's coming, there's massive dilation happening already, it's quadruplets... and twins!
Caroline: Oh, no. Help me with my breathing.
Ryan: Remain calm. Let's all remain calm. We're trying to raise the 3 million dollars and I've got the parachute right here.
Caroline: There must be some mistake.
Ryan: We're doing it as fast as we can. The important thing is to breathe normally and remain calm. Alright, I'm risking my life, and I'm going to go in there and try to bring him out.
Caroline: Please put gloves on.
Ryan: Alright. I'm coming in. I haven't got a gun. I'm keeping my hands in the air... (bends over and moves in between her legs...).
(Episode 5.07) - Tony Slattery hosts. Steve Steen - Beethoven, Jim Sweeney
- madly in love with the carpet, and Mike McShane - Confederate Soldier.
Clive: Is the party ready Tony?
Tony: Yes, it is. And the theme of my party is 60s dance crazes. (does bizarre hands over head, swivelly-hips routine).
Clive: It always is at your house.
Tony: Well that's enough of that. I will open the door. Hello Steve! Come on in!
Steve: (German accent) Pardon?
Tony: I said 'Hello Steve! Come on in!'
Steve: Vat? Vy don't you invite me in?
Tony: Please, come, come, come in. Would you like a, a, a, a trifle?
Tony: A TRIFLE?
I'll be with you in a moment. Hello Jim! Come on in!
Jim: (lustfully looks down) Oh, hello! (kneels down and licks the floor, then looks at the others)
You unthinking bastards! How can you just stand there?
Tony: You're not Eleanor Brom are you? (giggles)
Steve: Vat is he doing?
Steve: Vat kind of party is this? Vere's the piano?
Tony: Oh, you're always complaining.
Steve: (shouting) Vere's the piano?
Tony: (agitated) Oh, there's another. Come on in!
Mike: (panting, fires a gun)
Tony: What is he doing?
Mike: (upset) Cap'n, they got Cleetus, they got Cleetus and they got Roy. I swear to you I've never seen so many dead bodies before.
(sobbing) My mama said that they were crazy. Them bluecoats are mad. They are! I swear they are!
Tony: Oh you...get back to the Civil War!
Clive: (buzzes) That'll do...
Tony: (relieved) Got one! One!
Clive: Come on, you've got two more to get yet. What is he?
Jim: Oh, this this, this beautiful carpet - I just think...SHAG is what I think. Can I roll it up and take it into the bedroom?
Tony: Oh, you're in love with carpets!
Clive: (buzzes) Yes! Now wat about this?
Steve: (plays flamboyant piano)
Clive: What is this? What's he doing? Come on!
Steve: Zis piano has no strings - I can't hear the music!
Tony: You're...you're Beethoven!
(huge applause and cheers as TS leaps around at his success)
Clive: Well, oh! I could hardly stand the tension there. But the yelps of pleasure were worth waiting for. As they often are with Tony.
(Episode 7.03) - Tony Slattery as the first man to make love in space, interviewed by Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles & Steve Frost.
Ryan: Is it lonely?
Tony: It is lonely, yes, but I find the life of a public figure means that you have to be strong. Next question.
Colin: Was there any special equipment involved?
Tony: A certain amount of flour, and eggs, and a snorkel. Not everyone does it like that but I do.
Steve: And how many miles away was that?
Tony: Forty-two. Next question.
Colin: How long did it take you before you could re-enter?
Tony: Well, my wife's very understanding and we have a very good relationship so not long.
Steve: Did you keep your helmet on?
Tony: Yes, in fact I do because it's much safer and much less risk of...
Ryan: Have you ever seen Uranus?
Tony: Many many times, yes.
Steve: Did the earth move?
Tony: Yes, it was spinning round as I was circling it.
Colin: Did it take long to get Miss Brown up there?
Tony: (confused) No, no, she went of her own accord. Last question.
Clive: Last guess I think.
Tony: Yes, last question... Look, it's my bloody press conference, shut it!
Ryan: Is this the first black hole you've encountered?
Tony: No, I've been through space many times.
Clive: So what are you?
Tony: I'm a space traveller.
Clive: Yes, the first man to make love in space. Strange enough there, Tony, you got everything except the sexual innuendo which I thought would have been a gift
for you but...
Tony: Oh did you? You've got a warped bald head.
Clive: (looks sad)
Clive: Well done Tony for getting it ... wrong.
(Episode 8.06) - Aliens meeting earthlings, with Caroline Quentin, Colin Mochrie, Greg Proops & Ryan Stiles.
Clive: The scene I'd like you to do is "Aliens meeting Earthlings".
Caroline: Who are you?
Colin: Can't you tell by my green skin?
Caroline: Do you like my blue skin?
Colin: ... (buzzed out)
Clive: Too boring Colin, I'm afraid!
Greg: Would you like to hold my antennae?
Caroline: Do you need to ask?
Greg: (giggles and is buzzed out)
Colin: Can you take me to your leader?
Caroline: Can you tell me who it is?
Colin: How would I know?
Caroline: Do you want me to take you anyway?
Colin: Can you do it quickly?
Caroline: Can I?!
Colin: What do you mean by that?
Caroline: Do I mean anything?
Colin: Pardon? (Buzzed)
Clive: 'Pardon?' isn't a question I don't think.
Colin: Screw you! (leaves)
Greg: Would you like to use my craft?
Caroline: Where is your craft?
Greg: Can you tell me? I've forgotten!
Caroline: Have I seen it somewhere around?
Greg: Have you?
Clive: I am just buzzing you out for the hell of it Caroline, because you were winning so well.
Greg: Do you come in peace?
Ryan: Are you here to conquer us?
Greg: Haven't we met on Uranus?
Ryan: Have you been drinking?
Greg: Have I?!
Greg: You know don't you?
Ryan: Does your breath smell bad?
Greg: Well you haven't changed have you?
Ryan: Do you have more than two eyes?
Greg: You can't tell, can you?
Ryan: You're going to kill me aren't you?
Greg: Interesting question!
(Episode 8.09) - Scout Camp, with Niall Ashdown, Steve Frost, Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles.
Questions Only (2)
Niall: Is that your woggle?
Steve: ... (buzzed)
Niall: Didn't I tell you to pick up your woggle?
Ryan: Was that you?
Niall: Didn't you recognise my face?
Ryan: Was that yesterday?
Niall: Don't you know the time of the week?
Ryan: Are you Johnny Miller?
Niall: ... (buzzed)
Ryan: Are you the Scout Master?
Colin: Didn't you see me make the fire?
Ryan: Do I look nervous?
Colin: Can you tell?
Ryan: Is it apparent that this is my first trip?
Colin: What do you mean?
Ryan: ... (buzzed)
Steve: Do you know how to put up a tent?
Colin: Is the Pope catholic?
Steve: Do bears shit in the woods?
Colin: Can you get a badge for that?
Steve: Have you got your pathfinder?
Colin: Do I need one?
Steve: How old are you?
Colin: Is four the right answer?
Steve: You tell me! (buzzed)
Colin: Do you want to hear a scary story?
Ryan: Do you know you're on fire?
Colin: Can't you put me out?
Ryan: Shall I put you out?
Colin: Thanks, do you want something?
Ryan: Did you buy supplies?
Colin: Why are you asking me these questions?
Ryan: Don't you look guilty?
Colin: Isn't my face the picture of innocence?...
(Episode 8.11) - Just before a prison breakout, with Colin Mochrie, Greg Proops, Ryan Stiles & Rory Bremner.
Questions Only (3)
Colin: Are you ready?
Greg: Did you bring the plans?
Colin: Was I supposed to bring the plans?
Greg: Don't you have them?
Colin: Do you think I should write them out now?
Greg: Well isn't it a little late?
Colin: What do you mean?
Greg: .... (buzzed)
Ryan: Have you finished the tunnel?
Colin: The one that goes under the wall?
Ryan: Weren't you in charge?
Colin: No. (buzzed)
Rory: Wasn't that the guy who was building the tunnel?
Ryan: Do you know him?
Rory: Do you?
Ryan: Did he look familiar?
Rory: I thought I'd never seen him before in my life (buzzed). That's not a question, is it?
Ryan: Where the hell have you been?
Colin: How'd you know it was me in my disguise? (takes off mask)
Ryan: Nice mask. (buzzed)
Greg: Warden, what are you doing here?
Colin: D'you think it's irregular if I escape with you?
Greg: Would you like to come with us?
Colin: Could I?
Greg: Can we stay at your summer home?
Colin: The one in Miami?
Clive: Ooohhhh... (buzzes Colin out.)
Colin: (while leaving, emphasises question mark) The one in Miami?
Rory: Aren't you the governor?
Greg: Yes. (buzzed)
Ryan: Who's your favourite guard dog?
Rory: .... (buzzed)
(Episode 7.02) - Earthquakes. Greg Proops (Oprah Winfrey), Mike McShane (WWF Wrestling), Ryan Stiles (E.R.), and Tony Slattery (Brookside).
Ryan: It was hard to do the operation with the ground shaking like it was. I put Bill on the stretcher. I knew him well, he was my next door neighbour. He needed a... BUZZ.
Mike: He needed a solid fist in the head, and I, Captain Casualty, am the man to give it to him. Yeah, bring him over here, he won't need a stretcher, he'll need to be stretched... BUZZ.
Greg: Today on the program, pre-menstrual syndrome, the bastards who inflict it on women, earthquakes and stuff that falls down. We're going to go into the house.
We have someone out here with an opinion? I got an opinion. The house shook and stuff fell all over the place. I must've lose my mind. I say leave him... BUZZ.
Don't buzz me, I ain't done talkin' BUZZ yet BUZZ! Get your tall English candy ass back in the house BUZZ.
Stuff BUZZ all in my face with your tie and your Cambridge good looks, I've had my opinion is what I've... BUZZ.
Tony: Ay, no no no, there's an earthquake and Brookside's falling down. 'ey, 'ey, no it's only 'cause the houses are made of cardboard. BUZZ. That's Cylla. That's Cylla Black.
Mike: Yeah, everythings falling down because I gave him a double butch body slam onto that canvas... BUZZ.
Ryan: Which would put him out for the kidney transplant. He lied there. I looked at him, sympathetically, knowing that he wouldn't make it through because I was the
most handsome doctor in the world, and really knew nothing about the medical field. I sliced in, opened him up and looked inside (looks to Clive for help) ... BUZZ
Clive: Sorry, dozed off there. Greg.
Greg: It fells like we're having an earthquake in the studio right now. I wonder if the audience can react...
Greg & Audience: Aaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!
(Episode 6.11) - Tony Slattery, Steve Frost, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie.
Scenes From A Hat
Clive: If our eyes were somewhere else on our bodies.
Steve: (bends over) 'Scuse me, I've got something in my eye, can you get it out?
Clive: Practical joking international share dealers.
Steve: So, that's a deal then?
Steve & Tony: (go to shake hands, but instead put hands to nose & wave fingers) Haha!
Clive: Worrying things to be given on a plane.
Tony: Hello, here's the engine.
Clive: Life's big disappointments.
Steve: Oh, so you're Tony Slattery!
Clive: Ah, he's no more disappointing in real life than he is on the telly!
Tony: Shut up...
Clive: Designing the first human.
Ryan: Hmmm.... I think the eyes are in the wrong place...
Colin: I know, I...
Clive: Faux pas at a Christening. Or faus pars.
Tony: I name this child Satan. Stan! Stan!
Clive: Monsters that aren't scary.
Ryan: (campy) Grrrrr. Grrrrr! Grrrrr.
(Episode 8.02) - Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles as Noah and his wife, with the secret hidden in the bottom of the boat.
Ryan: They won't be laughing at me pretty soon.
Colin: I'm tired of cleaning up after all these animals.
Ryan: Well, that's your job, I built the thing!
Colin: Two elephants. Thank you.
Ryan: Two ants, it all works out doesn't it? Look, ...
Colin: You know what, we need a place where all the waste can sort of ... I'm just going to make a hole right here in the bottom of the boat.
Ryan: No, don't do that! We can make a ... I didn't want you to see that.
Colin: ........ Eighteen commandments?!
Ryan: Thought I'd better bring some spares along in case we break a few of the first ones.
Colin: Thou shalt not wear leather? What is that?
Ryan: Thou shalt not lend money. I thought that was a good one. I just made 'em up as I went along.
Colin: You can't do that!
Colin: For the Lord has not spoken to you in such a way as to make the commandments that we can live by!
Ryan: You don't have to listen to the Lord about everything. Look, three penguins!
Colin: (shocked) What're you doing?
Ryan: I don't care anymore.
Colin: Look out, separate the rabbits!
Ryan: We're up to our asses in rabbits!
Colin: The Lord ...
Ryan: The Lord what?
Colin: The Lord specifically said two of every animal.
Ryan: Uh-uh! Commandment sixteen ...
Colin: Well, fifteen of every animal is a little too much, don't you think?
Ryan: If that's what the Lord wants then that's what the Lord shall have.
Colin: That's it. I'm calling the Lord. (picks up phone)
Ryan: Don't you call the Lord.
Colin: I'm calling him.
Ryan: Lucky I brought two phones. (picks up phone) Hello, Lord? Terribly sorry. (hangs up both phones). Look, I've got news for you. You know how it's two of everything? I want you to meet Teresa...
(Episode 8.05) - At the butchers', with Colin Mochrie & Ryan Stiles, and a secret hidden in the beef.
Clive: Where do you think a secret something is to be found?
Audience: In the beef!
Clive: In the beef - okay. You are two butchers, secret to be found.
Ryan: (singing) I will cut the beef, and eat it with the fork; it's not beef, to me it's just pork...
Colin: What are you doing with that cucumber? I told you - no vegetables in here. Beef, beef, beef is what we want.
Ryan: You can't eat meat all the time. You need some sort of balance. Greens, my friend.
Colin: Greens. Whoever heard of a butcher cutting greens?
Ryan: All right, okay, all right. I'll cut this piece of beef...
Colin: No, no don't cut that beef...
Ryan: What are you on about? It's no big deal... (slices through the beef). Oh my God... pictures of me...
hundreds of pictures of me! Here I am at the beach, here I am at the park...
Colin: Yes, all right. I'm giving them to my doctor. I want him to perform a Ryanectomy.
Ryan: You wanna be me?
Ryan: But why? With all this beef around? You own this place. You're the top...
Colin: Beef means nothing unless I can look over every customer.
Ryan: But you don't have to be me.
Colin: Yes I do! I need to be you! I want to be you! The doctor said everything's ready. It just took them three weeks to find the flamingo legs.
Ryan: I'm not all I appear to be. (shows patch on his head).
Colin: Well look! (shows bald patch).
Ryan: There's something about me... (makes a moo-ing noise and grabs his udders - Colin milks him).
That's right - how do you think I know so much about cows?... (horns fly out) I am one!
(Episode 6.11) - Josie Lawrence, Steve Frost, Tony Slattery and Ryan Stiles on a boat.
Josie: We are sailing.
Steve: I was going to do that one!
Clive: I was going to do that one? Is that a song title?
Steve: Know you, know me.
Tony: (enters) A life on the ocean waves. (to Steve) Lipstick on your collar.
Steve: Roll out the barrel!
Josie: Smoke gets in your eyes. O bla di, o bla da.
Steve: I can see clearly now.
Josie: Stormy weather!
Tony: I saw three ships!
Steve: It's raining men!
Ryan: (enters) Hello, is it me you're looking for?
Tony: Baby, now that I've found you.
Steve: (waves Ryan over) Kum ba ya.
Ryan: Who's that girl?
Josie: Doo be doo, doo be doo be doo doo doo.
Ryan: Wild thing!
Tony: (grabs Josie) Sisters.
Ryan: You're having my baby?
Steve: (grabs Ryan) My brother Jake.
Ryan: Close to you!
Steve: Alright now?
Ryan: Up up and away!
(Episode 5.05) - Greg Proops, Mike McShane and Ryan Stiles in a laundrette.
Song Titles (2)
Greg: Leader of the Pack.
Mike: Everything's coming up roses...
Greg: Dirty Laundry.
Mike: (holds up item of clothing) Ah... Let it Be.
Ryan: (enters) Lela? Lela?
Greg: Help! Help!
Ryan: Hello, Dolly!
Greg: (squeals) Bill!
Mike: Yummy, Yummy.
Greg: Oh, Dizzy.
Ryan: You've Lost That Loving Feeling.
Greg: Sugar, Sugar.
Mike: These are good.
Greg: Thanks for the memories.
(Episode 8.05) - Two flatmates late for work sharing the bathroom, with Ryan Stiles & Colin Mochrie and commentated
on by Niall Ashdown & Greg Proops.
Clive: As we go onto a game called sports commentators, it's called that because Niall and Greg are going to be
sports commentators and they'll be sitting on some stools to convey that scene, and Ryan and Colin will be doing an event
in slow motion that the sports commentators are commentating on. And what we'd like you to do is to be two flatmates, late
for work, sharing the bathroom. You're in a hurry, so you both have to get into the bathroom, and they'll be commentated on
by the sports commentators. Okay, you have sport in America don't you?
Greg: Yeah, and sometimes we beat the Germans. (Audience cheers/boos). It's 'cause we never play them!
Clive: Well in the war, when you join in... (Audience cheers) I don't think the Germans play baseball, do they?
Greg: I'd love to chat, but I'm a little busy doing an improv show.
Clive: Have you worked out what the simple words mean yet?
Greg: Yes I have, Mr. A.
Clive: Jolly good.
Greg: Maybe you're confusing this with your other show where you just talk, talk, talk and never let anyone else. (audience cheers).
Clive: Anytime you're ready.
Greg: I can't remember it now, it was flatmates getting ready in the bathroom?
Clive: That's it. You're sports commentators.
Greg: Okay, no, I got that part.
Clive: Thankyou for plugging my other show. Away you go.
Greg: Good evening. I'm Niall Ashdown.
Niall: And I'm Greg Proops.
Greg: And we're here with the very finals of roommates in the bathroom getting ready.
Niall: It certainly is a small arena, Niall.
Greg: It certainly is, Greg.
(Colin & Ryan wake up)
Niall: Not much elbow room there, Niall.
Greg: It is going to be extremely tight today.
(Colin enters bathroom)
Niall: Mochrie's off early, Mochrie's off early. He got straight out of bed, didn't even think about it, going to the bathroom.
Greg: It looks as if Stiles has something in his eye.
Niall: Stiles is going for him, he's turned on the taps.
(Colin slams door in Ryan's face)
Niall: The door!
Greg: The door! I hate to break in when the action is this hot, but maybe we could see a replay of that again.
(Colin & Ryan rewind and repeat the scene)
Niall: This is a typical Mochrie manoevre.
Greg: I have not seen this ...
Niall: OOooh! Flat sharp door in the face, it's always the same.
Greg: It really is, Greg. I don't care who you are, a door in the face has gotta hurt. Here comes Stiles, he is quite a competitor.
Niall: The sink's only half full, he could get in here.
Greg: He's reaching for his toothbrush. I think it is ...
(Ryan elbows Colin in the face, Colin bites the elbow)
Niall: Mochrie's got in with the teeth.
Greg: He bit him on the elbow, ladies and gentlemen.
Niall: Oh my god, elbow in the face, you can't get better.
(Colin yanks Ryan's head back by the nostrils)
Niall: And I know he said "I'm gonna beat this son of a bitch" before it.
Greg: Stiles, the anger rising, foam on his face.
(Ryan sprays shaving cream in Colin's face)
Greg: OOooh! He's shaving creamed him right in the eye.
(Ryan sprays shaving cream down Colin's pants)
Greg: Looks like there's going to be ...
(Colin strangles Ryan)
Niall: Mochrie's going for it, even though he can't see through the foam.
Greg: Clearly this is a foul, no-one is calling it. He's ... he's sharpening his razor!
(Colin slashes Ryan who mimes blood spurting out)
Niall: Blood has splattered all over ... I haven't seen an incident like this since 1927 during ...
Greg: Neither have I. He's sewing his neck up quickly, that is resourcefulness. It's completely Stiles' style
to come back. He's got the spigot. He's doing something ... Oh my god...
(Ryan shoves it into Colin's face)
Niall: He's stuck an entire roll of toilet paper on Mochrie's nose.
Greg: Stiles clearly the winner.
Clive: That was an excellent game. I only wish I'd been listening to it.
(Episode 7.08) - Peroxide Shortage, with Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles, Steve Frost & Josie Lawrence.
Clive: What sort of superhero do you think Colin Mochrie is?
Audience members: (suggestions include Potato Seat Man, Attendant Seat Man, Ejector Seat Man, Giraffe Man) Ejaculator Man!
Clive: Come again?
Audience member: Bimbo Woman!
Clive: Bimbo Woman. That's good. Bimbo Woman.
Colin: That's good?
Clive: You heard all the others. Now, what is the global problem he's dealing with?
Audience member: Peroxide shortage.
Clive: Okay, there's a shortage of peroxide for Bimbo Woman. Away you go, Colin.
Colin: Where's the mirror? Oh. My roots are showing! Oh, I'd better call the...oh,
oh, oh no, the peroxide. Oh no, oh no. The world's run out of peroxide. I hope my super
friends can help me.
Ryan: (enters) Sorry I was late, your address has rubbed off the front of your house there.
Colin: Thank God you're here, Captain Hallucination!
Ryan: Hey, it's alright.... Look over there!
Colin: Look, the world's running out of peroxide. I need help.
Ryan: Help? You need help with the worms coming from your face!
Steve: (enters) I got your message, I came as soon as I could.
Ryan: Thank God you're here, Overindulgence Boy!
Steve: (drinks, smokes, shoots up and then collapses)
Ryan: (sits down on Steve and starts paddling a canoe)
Colin: What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?
Ryan: Heading downriver, the emus are attacking.
Josie: (enters) Is there anything I can do?
Steve: At last you're here, Carpet Appreciation Girl!
Josie: (drops to floor and licks carpet) Look at the shagpile in this house!
Ryan: Bombs away, admiral! (salutes).
Steve: Try these green ones, they'll bring you down!
Colin: Peroxide. What are we going to do?
Josie: I'll go and see if there's any in Axeminster! (exits).
Steve: And if there is I'm going to eat it! (exits).
Ryan: I'll see what I can tell the press, Mr Nixon! (exits).
Colin: Oh my god, I'm late for my Baywatch audition! (exits).
(Episode 4.02) - Greg Proops controls the video of "Inside the Walls of Folsom Prison", acted out by
Ryan Stiles, Josie Lawrence & Paul Merton. Description: "A prison riot results in the death of the governor. When a
replacement with more humane ideas is appointed, this does not stop violence from breaking out again.".
Greg: New video to watch, while I'm waiting for my pizza. I think I'll watch the ending first.
Ryan: Well, thankyou, warden.
Paul: Well, thankyou, governor. If it weren't for your lead we would never have quelled that prison riot!
Ryan: I'm sorry I didn't get the phone call in on time, but that's the way things go.
Paul: Luckily my messenger with the last minute orders managed to get through the crowd and managed to save the day.
Ryan: Once again, thankyou.
Paul: Thankyou very much again.
Greg: Wow, this part's really boring. I think I'll go to the beginning.
(Paul, Ryan & Josie rewind through the video. Paul & Ryan exit, Josie enters)
Josie: Oi, lads, come 'ere.
(Paul & Ryan enter)
Josie: I don't like the governor. I think we should have a riot and kill him.
Paul: I agree. With such a plan how could be possibly fail?
Josie: Listen, I've been making these guns out of squeezy bottles.
Paul: Oh, I've got it wrong. I've been making squeezy bottles out of guns. I've been doing lots of washing up, though.
Josie: Come on, let's jump on the wardens now. There they are, over there.
Paul: Right, okay.
(Josie, Paul & Ryan squirt squeezy bottles at the wardens)
Ryan: Wait a minute...
Paul: That's got soap in his eye, anyway.
Greg: This is quite tacky, I think I want to watch it again.
(Josie, Paul & Ryan rewind through the scene)
Josie: Hey you boys, I'm fed up with this.
Greg: No, no, not that part. I want to go a little bit further forward to the squeezy bottle part.
(Josie, Paul & Ryan fast forward a bit)
Josie: ... out of the squeezy bottles.
Paul: Oh no, I've been making squeezy bottles out of guns.
Josie: No, you fool. Right, let's go and get the warden, he's over there.
Paul: Shall we jump on them?
Paul: Seeing as we did last time...
Greg: I know there's a big prison riot sequence in the middle. I'm going to go right toward that. Fast forward.
(Josie, Paul & Ryan fast forward)
Ryan: We want this woman out of here!
Paul: Yes, we want a prettier one!
Ryan: We want more women in this jail or we'll riot, huh?
Josie: I can't stand any more of this! (shoots at Paul & Ryan)
Paul: What are you doing with that squeezy bottle?!!!
(Episode 6.11) - Pre-wedding nerves, with Ryan Stiles as the groom, Colin Mochrie as the best man.
Lines read from the paper are in italics.
Ryan: Yeah, it's my first wedding.
Colin: Well it's your pre-wedding, that's why you're nervous. If it was after your wedding it'd be post wedding ...
Ryan: Look, just don't give me any hassle, alright. I just don't know if Rebecca's the right girl.
Colin: Well, she is a bit of a tramp.
Ryan: Come on, man, that's not what I want to hear from you.
Colin: Well I'm sorry, but she's had more hands up her than the Muppets.
Ryan: Look, I wrote my own vows with her, I wrote my own vows.
Colin: Oh, well how's it go?
Ryan: "Rebecca, I love you, stay with me always. On the whole, I'd prefer a dog. Or at least that style.
Colin: When you put a dog into your wedding vows...
Ryan: I know, it's not right.
Colin: Well how about this. "Rebecca, Rebecca, I love you so much. Do you smell something burning?". My love for you. My love.
Ryan: What the hell's that supposed to mean? Oh, you mean me. That might work. I don't know, I try to think of things to say to her. I remember the words of
Confucious when he said Ching Dao Im Dao To Dao.
Colin: Oh yeah, and what does that mean exactly?
Ryan: Well what it means is "Bad sneakers and a pinata, my friend". That's what it means.
Colin: That Confucious was pissed all the time.
Ryan: I know.
Colin: That makes no sense.
Ryan: I don't think it's right. I think I'm going to cancel the wedding.
Colin: Don't cancel.
Ryan: I gotta, man, I mean ...
Colin: Rebecca loves you, you love her. Remember the first date you had, all those many years ago?
Ryan: You were in the back seat, I remember that.
Colin: Well I had the video camera.
Ryan: You wouldn't shut up, over and over again you yelling out ...
Colin: I hope it's on the wedding cake. Remember, I used to yell out "Does it usually throb like that?"
(Episode 5.04) - Worst clip from a nature documentary, by Greg Proops, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles & Tony Slattery.
Tony: And over there on the plains we can ... they're shagging! They're shagging!
Greg: This week on nature watch, we investigate the tapeworm. (Pulls one out of mouth).
Ryan: We've followed the wild antelope for almost three weeks. How do you want yours done, Phil?
Colin: The most dangerous part is waiting for the elephant to cough.
Tony: Working very carefully over a period of years, Patricia the tiger is now perfectly tame. ROAR! Argh! (holds up missing hand).
Greg: Tonight on The World of Man we explore human procreation with my wife and I. Get ready everybody. (Clive: Go ahead!)
Colin: What if hamsters fought in the American Revolution? (puts two hamsters down and stands back to watch).
Ryan: (back to camera) BAAA! (turns around, embarrassed)
Greg: Tonight on The World of Insects - fondue!
Tony: One of the best things you can do, of course, to these charming chihuahuas is to set fire to them.
Colin: Now how do you put the leopard back together?
Ryan: Turtles are usually a slow animal - but ... (spins one around and watches it race off).
(Episode 7.04) - Worst person to sleep with, by Caroline Quentin, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie & Tony Slattery.
World's Worst (2)
Caroline: Hello, my name's Clive Anderson.
Ryan: Have you ever met my friend Mr Tricky?
Ryan: (bored) That's the best sex I've ever had. No really, you're the king...
Colin: And after you've shaved my back, I want you to get the cherry whip ... no need.
Caroline: Are you in yet, Darren?
Ryan: You know, what's really weird is that I've noticed in the mirror on the ceiling that I have no reflection.
Tony: Do you mind using marmalade as a lubricant?
Colin: No, you're thinking of my brother Pinocchio. My fingernails just grow.
Tony: Or I could use rubble if you like.
Ryan: I hope you don't mind if I scream my own name.