Transcripts
Song Styles & Duet (US)
Alicia the Student of Music
(Episode 11.02)
Wayne: Do do do do!
Brad: Shabada ba da da ba boo.
Wayne: Now check this man, listen to me,
You and I can make some groovy harmony.
Because I like that way your notes they sail,
I'd like to run all up and down your scale.
Eeeeooohh!
Brad: Alicia, good to meet ya, don't you fret. (Wayne: Swing cat, swing!)
'Cause when I change your key, you and I will sing a duet.
Babada bay bay bay. (Wayne: Gee gee gee!)
You and me together, in super harmony,
Cause I don't care whether you want to sing in the key C or key G, baby.
Wayne: Oh Alicia, you see, I dig you. (Brad: Babada bay bay day)
I want to go skadiddly bap dibobbladit dobododadit dododadit (Brad: Doo doo doo!) on you!
Oooh, there's no-one, no-one else compares (Brad: Do dat!)
Because I dig your voice (Brad: Doo ba dit dit) and I dig your hair! (Brad: Doo be doo doo doo doo!) Sing it again!
I dig your voice and I...
Both: Dig your hair!
Wayne: (?)
Amy & Christina the Cross-Country Runners
(Episode 12.27)
Freeze!
I don't know exactly what you're doin' to me,
But it's fun.
Isn't it Tommy?
(as Tommy on left, dances) Yeah!
(back to right) Baby baby, (moves to middle)
Ooh, you make me want to run.
Oh, all of my love it keeps hauntin' me,
You make me want to run cross-country.
So don't you see, and we can have fun,
And you and you, matched, in the same exact one.
Ohhh, you make me want to jog. Isn't that right?
(left) I'm the sensitive one! (kneels down, emotional)
(middle, rapping, lower voice) That's right girl just you and me,
Because you see we do this easily,
And I don't care just what you think,
It's me and you and you and you're dressed in pink,
That is right, and let the fun begin,
Both of y'all like the Doublemint twins,
Don't you understand, and this is this,
Because you're running I just don't miss.
(middle, normal voice) Girl!
(right, low voice) Girl!
(middle, kneels, high voice) Girl!
(left, normal voice) Girl!
(middle, normal voice) Girl!
(middle, kneels, normal voice) Girl!
(right, normal) I'm the shy one!
(middle, normal) Girl!
(middle, kneels, normal) Girl!
(left, normal) Girl!
(middle, normal) Both of you, you make my mind twirl.
That's right. Yeah you do, girl.
Blender
(Episode 12.15)
(all dance, the others following Wayne)
Wayne: Oh baby,
Why don't you listen to me? Hey. (Denny: Ooooh!)
Oh, I'm gettin' kinda big, I need something to fix my booty. Weehee.
So I grab myself a blender and I make a nice fruit smoothie. (Ryan: Fruit smoothie.)
Everybody!
Oh let's blend, blend (Denny: Blend!)
Blend, blend. (Ryan: Blend!)
Oh, blend. (Ryan & Denny: Blend!)
(backup singers now having great trouble keeping up with the dancing)
Heeeey!
Now sometimes I get tight, want to be a little looser,
I had myself an oven and I had myself a juicer. But nothing in this world, is as good as my blender.
I'm so happy, for the rest of my life I want this blender.
Hey! I love my blender!
Ho ho, I love my blend...
Come on Temptations, let's dance!
Whooohooo! I love my blender.
Yeah yeah. Blender!
Oh Lord knows that I won't contradict,
I love my blender cause it frappés and can even mix. I love my blender. Y'all sing!
Blender. Colin & Ryan: Blender.
Wayne: I love my blender.
Hheeeeeeeyyyyyy!
Drew: There's a little dance tip for ya, white people. Next time you're out dancing, find the black guy, just try to copy what he's doing.
Bob the Pastor
(Episode 12.32)
(does Bond opening actions - turns holding gun, runs slo-mo around Bob, imitates shapes moving around)
He's the man who talks to God every day,
He does it in his pastorial way,
He's the man.
Call him the Paaastor.
He has a Bible, he carries it around like a gun.
Back evil spirits, set on stun.
'Cause he's the Paaastor,
And God is his master.
He is the one from who he gets his orders.
He's the king, he knows no spiritual or mental borders.
He doesn't have a collar 'cause he's not a reverend.
He doesn't wear a hat he's not the Pope.
But because he's a very good pastor,
To get to heaven, is what he hoooopes.
That's what he hoooopes. (sits on Bob's knee)
That's what he hoooooooooooopes!
Chanel the Polynesian Dancer
(Episode 12.28)
(dances)
Welcome to the islands of the Polynesian,
I like it when you move side to side.
(music speeds up a little)
I love the way that you wear your puka shells,
And you just, you just can't hide.
(speeds up)
When you're wearing all these things, and you move and you sway,
If you're from Hawaii, I bet you'd give me a lei.
Oh listen to me please, oh I knew you so well,
I love the way you do Tahitian, yes she is Chanel.
(speeds up)
Oh girl I like the way that you dance, when you like to shake it,
But girl would you tell me one thing so I know that you would not break it,
And when you're from Hawaii, soon as they thank you, say mahalo,
And this is just one please stand up and dance and I will follow.
(speeds up quite fast and they dance)
Oh shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it, Shake it shake it shake it shake Chanel shake Chanel shake Chanel,
Oh Chanel, oh Chanel.
(singing very fast)
Please please Chanel sit down I love you so much and every time you dance,
Because I would know I'd give you my heart I'd give you much romance,
I'll be young I'll sail and we'd walk like this then we'd walk on the beach,
And every time I'd want to dance with you give me time to reach,
My head is going to ex... (faints to floor)
Charlie the Maintenance Man
(Episode 12.29)
Sometimes I'm sittin' here lookin' and there's a broom,
Why don't you come and do maintenance inside of my bedroom,
Here is something that you don't understand,
Ain't no job I find sexier than a big strong maintenance man. You've got to,
Clean it up.
Clean it up. Why don't you,
Paint the walls,
Wax on and wax off,
Hey yeah,
Clean it up.
Clean it up.
Clean it up.
Oh you know you've got to clean it up.
Your breath smells good, you must use the forest,
Damn look at him, he look like Chuck Norris.
Hey, just clean it up.
Oohhhh, I've never seen a man like you,
Who do the things you do.
Aha, you make my heart crackle,
There's a tub, why don't you get some spackle?
Clean it up.
Clean it up. Ohhhhh.
Clean it up.
Yeah.
Clean it up.
Clean it up, baby.
Coffee Grinder
(Episode 13.05)
Wayne: (deep voice) It's amazing.
It's hot like lava.
You can use it,
To make your java.
It's quite amusing,
Best I've seen,
When you take your hand and you,
Cross your beans.
(higher) I was walking down the street what could I do,
And all of a sudden I was telling you,
Take it, and then over you come,
The coffee grinder.
Let's make the coffee aga-ain. Everybody!
All: Let's make the coffee aga-ain.
Wayne: (deep voice) First you grab the beans. (all acting out the process)
You put it inside.
And then you grind.
From side to side.
And then you take the beans.
And put it inside the cup.
And then you java,
Your java starts to erupt.
(higher) Let's make the coffee aga-ain.
Let's make the coffee aga-a-a-a-ain.
Let's grind!
Thankyou.
Dana the Dental Hygienist
(Episode 11.12)
Wayne: Oh Dana, you're the boss,
I listen to you every day, because I floss,
Listen girl, loving I've got to git,
Why don't you take me to your love sink and let me spit,
Ooh Dana! (Brad: Dana!)
Dana! (Brad: D-D D-Dana!)
Dana!
Brad: Dana, give me,
Some novocaine-a!
Brad & Wayne: Dana!
Brad: I think that you've got lots of class,
I'd like to take you out with a tank of laughing gas!
Oh Dana, (Wayne: Dana!)
Brad: Dana! (Wayne: Dana!)
Brad: Dana! (Wayne: I never get my fill, I said)
Both: Dana! (Wayne: Oh...)
Dana!
Wayne: Why don't you open your mouth, ooh,
Here comes my big drill!
Oh Dana! (Brad: Da-da-da-dana!)
Dana! (Brad: Da-da-da-dana!)
(drill noises) (Brad: Da-da-da-dana!)
Danaaaaaa (Brad: Da da da da danaaaa!)
Delores the Gardener
(Episode 12.10)
(dances on his knees)
(high pitched voice, still on knees)
There's a girl that I sing about every day,
Right Tito? Shut up!
Because you stay in your garden that way.
(dances, voice getting deeper)
And you, oh I love you make my heart hum,
Because you got a green thumb,
Oh girl,
Oh girl,
C'mon girl!
C'mon girl.
(clears throat, voice breaking)
Well you... you...
Youuuu (goes high pitched)... you... you...
(sands off jaw, checks appearances, spray paints face white)
Hoooo!
(dances)
Listen girl, listen to me,
Look what I'm startin'. Ah ah ah ah ah.
I want you to help me,
Plant seeds in my garden. (dances)
Oh garden, garden,
Girl just feel,
Get your garden weasel,
And then you start to till,
Oh baby, hooooooo!
Garden me. Oh, yeah,
You make me go,
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Hoooo! Yeah.
Dennis the Engineer
(Episode 11.16)
(left, turns) I'm Lawanda!
(middle, turns) I'm Lavores!
(right, turns) I'm Lequisha!
(Lawanda) And we're here to sing for you. Right, girls?
(Lavores) That's right!
(Lequisha) Sing!
Ooh, from the very start,
I want a man who can build a bridge to my heart.
And it's you, uh-huh,
I said it's you.
Tell him, girls!
(Lequisha) I never had a man like you before, no no,
I never had a man who can build a house and a door, no no,
You must've gone to school for a long time,
But now you're here, you're mine all mine.
And it's my privilege,
I know that you are going to build that bridge.
(Lavores) He's gonna,
(Lawanda) Build a bridge to my heart.
Gonna build it.
Gonna build a bridge to my heart.
(Lavores) Sing it!
Gonna build a bridge.
(Lequisha) You're gonna build a bridge to my heart, oh!
(kisses Dennis on the head as each singer)
(Lawanda) We love you!
Derek the Diesel Guy
(Episode 12.12 and 13.01)
(both dance)
Chip: Yeaaahhooooohhhhh. I say yeah.
Both: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah!
Chip: Well Derek,
He's the best I've ever seen,
At running the warehouse watchin' diesel gasoline,
Nobody's better,
Nobody's better than Derek.
Hey hey hey!
Wayne: Now Derek,
He's really fast.
Both: Derek.
Wayne: He deals in diesel, not gas. He's...
Both: Derek.
Wayne: He's really terrific,
Even though his job description isn't specific.
Derek!
(start spelling it out YMCA-style)
Chip: D!
Chip: E! / Wayne: E!
Chip: R! / Wayne: R!
Chip: E! / Wayne: R!
Chip: K! / Wayne: I!
Wayne: C!
Wayne: K!
Wayne: And!
Wayne: Derek! Chip: Derek!
Wayne: E! Chip: Derek!
Wayne: R! Chip: Derek!
Wayne: R! Chip: Derek!
Chip: Ooooooh! That boy can work some diesel gasoline! (Wayne: Oh oh oh)
Wayne: Pump that diesel Derek, Chip: gonna pump that
Wayne: Pump that diesel Derek, Chip: Pump that gas!
Chip: Workin' in the warehouse, Wayne: In the warehouse!
Chip: Every day and night! D, E, R, E.... (Wayne: C'mon!)
Chip: DEREK!
(Wayne & Chip dance with Derek joining in)
Wayne: Derek.
Both: Derek.
Derek.
Chip: He's the best I've ever seen,
At watching the gasoline, Wayne: In the warehouse!
Both: Derek!
Wayne: Derek, you want a job dude?
Drew: Derek. Hey Derek, how many points should we give them?
Derek: (voice squeaks) Two billion!
Drew: Two billion!
Wayne: (squeaky voice) Two billion!
Chip: Yeah!
Wayne & Chip: (squeaky voices) Two billion!
Wayne: I love you Derek! You know it dude!
Derek: (does 'call me' to Wayne)
Drew: (squeaky voice) Two billion points for Derek!
Dina the Thermostat Marketing Manager
(Episode 12.17)
Both: Oooooohoohooh. Oooohooohhohh.
Wayne: Oh listen to me girl, you hit the spot (Brad: Oooooooh)
When you turn my thermometer up and you make me hot.
Brad: Oh Dina, listen that,
I want you to change the heat on my thermostat.
When my temperature goes up, (Wayne: Temperature!)
My blood pressure goes way down, (Wayne: Boop bop, boop bop, errrr)
And I'm a guy who needs your love,
Or I am gonna drown.
Wayne: Oh Dina, (Brad: Dina!)
This is what I say,
You market all those things for the conditioner,
Oh you make me caliente.
Oh Dina, (Brad: Dina!)
Dina. (Brad: Late at night!)
Dina late at night oh baby,
Brad: I don't care if you're Celsius or Fahrenheit (Wayne: I don't, care, heit)
Ooh Dina,
Both: (high) Diiiii-naaaa!
Funnel
(Episode 12.36)
Wayne: Now what can I do, when
My blood comes to a boil?
You need something cylindrically shaped
To funnel all your oil.
Chip: Oh yeeeesss!
One size very big,
And one size very small,
And when you put your ketchup in another one,
You want to catch it all.
Wayne: Oh who's got the funnel?
You've got to funnel, (Chip: I've got that funnel!)
You got to take it,
And put it inside,
One two three four,
Put it inside of the funnel. (Chip: Side the funnel!)
You've got to funnel.
Chip: It's like a fancy tunnel.
Wayne: It's just, it's called, it's a funnel.
Here we go! Go go!
Chip: (tap dances)
Wayne: That's it! Put it inside!
Whoo! Move it!
(tap dances)
Wayne: (spins around on floor)
Chip: (tap dances jumping over him)
Wayne: That's what you call a
Both: Funnellll!
Jennifer the English Literature Student
(Episode 11.09)
Pardon me girl, I was reading my book,
But I saw you in the library so I had to take a second look.
Do you understand, I want to be your boy,
I don't care if you call me Chaucer, maybe Tolstoy.
Ooh I know, girl, that you're your father's daughter,
I saw you 'cause you read books, and I know you're a little smarter,
Can I come and talk to you for a while?
I've got lots of books, hey pick any style.
I've got english books and science books and chemistry books,
I've got Canterbury Tales, why don't you take a look?
I've got Playboy books, no I don't, just kidding, hey.
I want you to remit with me, why don't you read with me,
Page one is love,
Page two is love,
Page three is love,
Page four is love,
Page five is love,
Page six... is love,
Thankyou, girl.
Katie the Hoagie Yoagie Worker
(Episode 12.39)
Katie: Behind.
Drew: Behind the counter.
Ryan: In front of the counter... that'd be a customer, Drew..."
Drew: So ah, we're gonna pick Katie, you're going to sing to her in the following style, you're gonna be a boyband. I think I've found the perfect subject. You're gonna sing to her like a boyband, Katie, she works at Hoagie Yoagie, good luck.
Wayne & Chip: (posing)
Wayne: Ooh baby! Oh oh.
Chip: Yaaaah-aaaahh!
Wayne: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Chip: Ooooh-oooh!
Wayne: I got a little something special going out for the girl that made me a hoagie last week.
Chip: Say babe, yeah yeaaaah.
Wayne: Yeah oooooooh.
Chip: Yeah.
Wayne: Yeah, now,
Listen to me Katie, this is what I said,
Your job revolves around mayonnaise and two pieces of bread.
Oh yeah, you keep it coming okie-dokie,
It's not a national chain so we can mention Hoagie Yoagie.
Chip: Yeah, I get a good sandwich when I'm around her, (Wayne: Yeah, yeah, yeah)
You know that Katie works behind the counter.
She, has a lot of sandwich tricks,
She even gives me, those fancy toothpicks. Yeah.
Wayne: That sandwich, make it little girl, (Chip: Make itaaaiiiihhhheeee!)
And give me kinds of spices from all around the world.
Take some mustard and oregano and some provolone cheese, (Chip: Oh oh oh)
And you put it on my hoagies, now baby, please!
Chip: Sesame seee-eee-eeeds!
Sesame seee-eeeeds.
Wayne: Break it down Chip, break it down Chip!
Chip: Yeah I'm watchin' on the telly,
And I saw you at the deli,
And I went to get a sandwich,
And I put in in my mouth. (Wayne: Oh! Oh!)
I came I got a coke,
I got another kind of drink,
And then I (?????)
the counter.
Wayne: Now let me tell you something girl,
Because you see I wanna spin and twirl,
That's right that's right, the days are days,
I get funky, give me mayonnaise!
Whoah, whoah,
Chip: Kaaaattie!
Wayne: Gotta, gotta, gotta,
Chip: Work at Hoagie Yoagie!
Wayne: Get that goddamn(?) hoagie-dokie.
Chip: Kattiiiiie!
Wayne: Make it, make it!
Chip: Whoooooooo!
Wayne: Oooooh!
Chip: Katie!
Wayne: Eeeeh, yeah girl.
Kenny the Machinist
(Episode 12.08)
Wayne: Oi oi oi!
Josie: Oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi aaaaaaahhh!
Wayne: His name is Kenny, see what I mean,
He's got a bald head and he builds machines,
He's a machinist. (Josie: Ooooooooooh)
He's a machinist. (Josie: Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny) (Wayne: Kenny Kenny!)
Josie: Kenny is my love bitch, I love him he's mean,
I especially like him when he's workin' 'is machine, because,
He is a man-ichinist.
Both: He is a ma-machinist,
He is a ma-chinist,
Wayne: He is...
Josie: You are a machinist, ay.
Wayne: Oi! Now Kenny is so smart he could never be a fool,
Look at him around his waist is his belt of tools,
Kenny. Kenny. (Josie: Yeah yeah yeah yeeaah!)
Josie: His head feels real nice,
Completely full of lice! (Wayne: Oi!)
Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny!
Wayne: Kenny Kenny Kenny!
(jumps on Kenny)
Josie: (runs to camera) What you lookin' at?!!!
Wayne: Kenny!
Josie: Kenny!
Wayne: Machine!
Josie: He's a man!
Kim the Lightbulb Saleslady
(Episode 13.07)
Wayne: Bakalaaaay (Brad: Laaaaaayy)
Brad: Baku atah!
Wayne: Makaeeeeeeee.
Brad: Oh ai ee ohhhh.
Wayne: (sproing)
Today, a girl named Kim makes, me-ee,
Say "Hello, I love you, gee!"
Brad: Hey there Kim,
It's so good to see ya,
When I need a lightbulb,
I get a new idea.
Oh Kim, (Wayne: Oh Kim!)
Oh Kim. (Wayne: Oh ayalay Kim!)
Oh Kim.
Wayne: I would buy a bulb from you not him. Oh,
Both: Kim!
Brad: Oh Kim.
You keep my life, from being, so dim.
Kim, you are the one for me.
Oh yes and now you see,
I know I love you true.
I turn it onto "two".
The wattage is so high,
And now I wonder why,
You are with some new guy.
Oh Kim.
Wayne: Oh Kim,
You are the girl I like,
I, I fly a kite,
Just to for the electricity,
For you I got to me.
Ey ey ey ey.
Brad: Oh Kim,
You are so effervescent,
Your lightbulb is fluorescent,
And I am out of rhymes.
Wayne: Oh Kim, Oh Kim,
Both: Oh Kiiiiiiim!
Brad: Hey!
Lee the Lunch Lady
(Episode 12.22 and 13.01)
(rings doorbell) Do-dooo. Do-dooo.
I'll let myself in!
Are you Lee?
These words come right from me,
They're to you and your name is Lee,
Can you fix me a treat?
Maybe some mystery meat.
I love you girl, I sing this song,
You have the shower cap on,
When you're servin' all that food.
Hey!
Do you like it when you spoon out the food,
Do you like it, Lee?
Oh Lee, aiiyeah Lee,
Would you like to serve me? (unbuckles belt)
On Monday - meatloaf. (pulls back shirt)
On Tuesday - steak. (touches butt)
On Wednesday - pork. (poses)
On Thursday - chicken. (acts like chicken)
And Friday,
It's the best day of all,
Because you get to have a little spaghetti,
And two great meatballs...
(cracks up)
Oh Lee!
Wayne: I'm so sorry!
Lee: That's okay!
Drew: I'm gonna have some bad dreams tonight, folks, let me tell you!
Wayne: I feel so dirty!
Drew: You feel dirty, how about poor Lee the Lunch Lady?!
Lydia the Geographer
(Episode 12.25)
Wayne: Geographer?
Lydia: Geographer.
Drew: And you're going to sing to her and... as... oh man, the broke brother himself, M.C. Hammer.
Wayne: The broke brot...! (feels empty pockets and turns into dance move)
Drew: Haha... M.C. "Gotta get a coupon to buy a" Hammer. I'm just joking around man.
Wayne: Where my cash at?! (apologises)
Drew: So go ahead, Laura and everybody, go ahead and start and knock 'em dead.
Wayne Brady - M.C. Hammer:
(dances)
(backing) She's Lydia!
She's what? She's what?
(backing) Her name is Lydia.
Say it again. Say it again.
(backing) Ba-by Lydia.
What's she do? What's she do?
(backing) Geographer.
Let me tell you something,
I'll tell you this and that,
I don't know my way around town,
Hey girl can you make a map?
Can you tell me something, tell me this,
Tell me where that land?
And do you understand,
Because I am the man.
Have you been to India,
Do you know cartography?
And just for laymen out there,
That's making maps you see.
You have to understand this fact,
Straight from me,
If you so smart, with that flourish,
Tell me this country.
India! (dances)
Cuba! (dances)
Czechoslovakia! (dances)
Japan! (dances)
Now! Now! Now! Now!
I would like to travel,
All up and down your boundaries.
And then maybe on the second date,
I could sail your seven seas.
Then tell me something,
And it might be quite strange,
And maybe by the third date,
I could touch your mountain range.
Lydia!
Lydia!
Her name is Lydia!
Uh, uh, uh, uh!
Her name is Lydia! (backing) Lydia!
Hey Lydia! (backing) Lydia!
It's Lydia!
Huh, that's the end of my rap,
Make this map.
Huh.
Mae the Baker
(Episode 11.07)
I love you Mae, that's what I said,
Take this as my heart, a piece of unleavened bread.
Oh Mae, people say I love you, but,
Why don't you make me a big love doughnut?
Oh Mae, they say we don't go well together,
But like bagels and lox we'll be together forever,
Oh Mae, it's no wonder that you and I are together,
Day after day.
Oh Mae, when you're there, and you're playing with that dough,
I look at your grey hair and inside my heart I love you so.
Oh Mae, baby baby, why don't you feel my heart beat?
You've got a little chocolate outside and in the middle is wheat.
Oh Mae, oh Mae, give me your lovin',
I know it's too darn hot in your oven,
Oh Mae, oh Mae, hold me tight tonight,
Everybody be quiet, because the altitude for baking bread is right.
Oh Mae, oh Mae,
My love souffle.
Maile the Talent Agency Secretary
(Episode 12.16)
Hey girl, give me what you got,
Can I give you my headshot?
Oh girl,
Hey hey hey.
Alright now,
I like you girl.
My picture won't you take,
Been in this town and I need a big break,
Oh girl,
Hey hey.
Alright now,
D-d-d-d-d-d-d yeah.
I know you wanted to be an actress, Oh don't be a slob.
But it's because you can't act at all,
That's why you got a secretary job.
Oh girl,
Won't you help me out?
I'm gonna play the piano for you now.
(plays piano, crossing hands, behind back, with head)
Hey girl,
Why don't you help me out?
Thankyou.
(goes to shake hands, has trouble finding her)
Maria the Hula Instructor
(Episode 13.04)
Chip: Whoah!
Wayne: Yeah!BR> Chip: (high kicks)
Wayne: Whoo!
Chip: Oh yeah!
Wayne: Now Maria is the girl,
She's got a lot of taste,
She doesn't do the talkin' with her mouth,
She does it with her waist.
Oh she uses her brain,
She uses her medulla,
Look at her over in Riverside,
(dances) That's hula!
Wayne: Yeah!
Chip: Oh yeah! Owww!
Wayne: Whoo!
Chip: Dig that hula!
Wayne: She she she, I've got it bad!
Chip: When she sees her,
Well I just can't pass.
She turns around,
And she can move that grass.
She's oohhhhhh!
Wayne: Yeah, yeah!
When she moves her legs,
It drives me crazy,
It's the kind of entertainment, That you see in Waikiki.
Oh let me tell you something,
Something you should know,
When she does like this,
Boom goes my volcano!
Both: Mariaa!
Chip: Mariaaaaaaaa!
Wayne: Mariaaa!
She makes me want to
Both: Jump!
Chip: Just want to
Both: Jump!
Chip: I'm her boy!
A woy oy oy!
Oh oh!
Maria.
(both smash guitars, then hula with Maria)
Wayne: Yeah-eahhhh!
Chip: Yeaahhh!
Wayne: Whooo!
Whoo!
Marie the Step-Aerobicizer
(Episode 11.13)
Whoo! Whoo!
Let me tell you something, I think you have a rep, ooh!
I've seen you in aerobic class, going up and down your step, ow!
Oh you look so good, your body you can't hide,
I like the way that you step from side to side.
That is right, I want you even more,
I want you to do your calesthenics across the floor.
C'mon and dance with me, ooh, ah!
Dance with me, ooh!
I see you dancing from side to side, ooh!
When I said I didn't like the way you danced I lied, ooh!
You make me go (guitar break)
Ooh! So c'mon and dance, dance with me, dance with me,
Let's dance, ooh! Dance, ooh!
C'mon and dance. Let's dance, let's dance.
Take a little chance.
Put on your pointy shoes and kick away your blues.
And just dance, I said D-A-N-C-E! Ooh!
Ooh!
Michelle the Writer/Mom
(Episode 12.02)
Wayne: My darling,
Just listen to me, I'm a believer,
Michelle is an overachiever.
I look at you, and I think that you're the bomb,
Not one job, two, you're a writer slash mom.
Brad: Oh Michelle, you are a sexy girl to me,
And I would like to spend with you eternity,
And I would like to with you do something so rash,
'Cause you are a writer, mom, with a slash.
Wayne: With a slash.
Brad: With a slash.
Wayne: With a slash.
Brad: With a slash.
Wayne: She's a writer,
Brad: And a mom,
Both: With a slash.
Brad: With a slaaaaasshhh (Wayne: With a slash, with a sla-a-ash)
With a
Both: Slash,
She's a writer and a mom with a slash.
Maureen the Editor of Teen Style magazine
(Episode 13.02)
Uh!
What's up, Maureen?
How you doin', baby?
Maureen, Maureen, Maureen,
Now look at that girl,
Right there,
Look at her,
Sitting in that chair,
Do you understand,
Do you watch me glare,
I like you.
Do you understand,
Just once in a while,
The editor,
Of that Teen Style,
Because I want to get,
Just really close,
To you.
She's got pen and paper,
Put on the pad,
Oh my goodness,
Don't get mad,
What do you want,
So what can I do?
'Cause I want to give it to you!
Say yeaheaaaahhhh.
Uh. Uh.
(jumps) Uh!
Maureen!
Now Maureen do you see,
That I do that,
Because you realize,
That I like to rap,
Can you tell me something,
What do you think,
Can you introduce me,
To N'Sync?
Oh yeaaahhaaah!
Her name is Maureen, ahh!
Maureen, Maureen, Maureen.
Maureen everytime,
That I sing this song,
Got a shirt,
Do you wear a thong?
Maureen.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,
Maureen, Maureen, Maureen.
Maureen. Uh.
I'll see you later girl,
When you put me in your magazine.
Sisqo the dragon. Look at that.
(points at bottom)
Niroshi the Political Science & Economics Student
(Episode 11.05)
I don't know what to do, I'm failing out of political science, Niroshi!
I don't know what to say, but let's us two go away to France and sail on the River Gauchey, Niroshi!
Let's cook some briochey, Niroshi!
I'll put on some suntan loshi, Niroshi!
I love you!
It's true, I really do!
I want to sail across the seven seas, and the Pacific Oceai, Niroshi, ooh!
Why, couldn't you have an easy rhyming name?
Oh why, I'd have an easier time in this game.
Niroshi, we're so closey,
Niroshi, I love you.
Peyton the Actress
(Episode 11.04)
Brad: Dear Peyton, it's awfully hard,
But now that you're on this show, you'll get your union card.
Wayne: Dear Peyton, you see, I know your bag,
Years and years you've wanted to be SA-AG.
Brad: So Peyton, (Wayne: Peyton.)
We're not understatin', (Wayne: No no no no no.)
And you will be datin', (Wayne: You'll be datin'.)
'Cause we're still wai-hey-hey-tin'! (Wayne: We're waitin'.)
Both: Peyton!
Wayne: Right from the sta-ar-art!
You're with your brother, your purple, your nice booty, you've got a heart!
Brad: Oh Pey-ay-to-o-o-o-o-e-o! (Wayne: Peyton!)
Oh Pey-ay-ton! (Wayne: Oh Peyton yeah!)
Wayne: Can I come to your Peyton Place?
Sara the IT Consultant
(Episode 11.19)
Wayne: (combs afro, puts on platforms)
Brad: (waves)
Wayne: Well, I see you, you see me,
Explain to me, what the hell is IT?
Oh girl, since I've been alive,
I've wanted a woman who can touch my hard drive.
Brad: You drive me crazy, I need psychology,
To understand this informational technology.
Oh Sara,
You're so much sexier than Farrah,
You're so much better than...
Wayne: Oh Sara, oh can I be with you tonight?
I can let you touch my big ol' megabyte!
Oh Sara,
Oh yeah, Sara.
Brad: Sara.
Wayne: I know sometimes I might be a louse, oh Sara,
Brad: Sara.
Wayne: Why don't you put your left hand and click my mouse,
I said,
Both: Sara!
Wayne: Oh Sara,
Oh Sara,
Yoooouuuuuuuuu!
Sheila the I.N.S. Attorney
(Episode 11.10)
Whoo, Oh Lord.
Now your love is a thing that I want in order,
But you keep stopping me from crossing your border.
Why don't you let me into your place?
Oh...
Come on, everybody!
I'm trying to make my way into your country,
But all your friends, they sought to hunt me.
I want to get with you, because you've got experience,
Oh but when I migrate, why don't you come to my defense?
Hey I'm gonna run for your love,
I'm gonna swim for your love,
I'm gonna swing for your love,
I'll run for your love,
Because the dogs and guards can't stop me from jumping your fence.
I-yah, i-yah,
Your love I can't deny,
Oh nah, nah,
No your love I can't deny,
Oh Lord,
Please help me get on in, oh,
Hola. Welcome.
Tina, on vacation from Canada
(Episode 12.21)
Wayne Brady & Chip Esten - Bruce Springsteen:
Chip: Whooooahh yeah.
Wayne: (ties a bandana)
Chip: Hoooooooo yeah.
Wayne: A vacation's what the doctor ordered,
When you made your way down across the border.
Oh yeah.
Chip: I think we're sad down here, yeah we're cryin'. Hoooo.
'Cause we got Tina, we got Colin and Ryan. Ooohh.
Tina. (Wayne: Ti-Ti, Tina)
From Canada. (Wayne: From Canada!)
Oh!
Wayne: Oh, yes, for goodness sake,
Tina is taking a break,
From being a polite Canadian.
Chip: Yeah!
The earth is shakin' 'cause you smell like bacon,
Beyond belief, this little maple leaf,
Did you bring me some syrup to put on my pancakes, Tina?
Both: Oh Tina,
Wayne: Oh Tina (Chip: Oh Tina)
Up from up north.
Both: Tina,
Wayne: Tina,
I hope you brought your passport, ohwoh
Both: Tinaaaaaaaaaaa! (Chip: Hey hey hey!)
Tinaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Toaster
(Episode 12.11)
Ooh Lord, oh listen, to what I say,
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Yeah! (conducts) Sing!
Oh Lord, away I go,
I need my toaster, for my leggo,
Oh Lord, yes,
I need my waffles. I need waffles.
You! (points to another choir member)
Me?!
Because the Lord likes, oh likes toast.
(another member) Right now we'll have a solo. Rasheena, come on down.
(as Rasheena, doesn't want to)
Come on down!
(as Rasheena, comes down, acts nervous)
Whooooooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooh!
Hey, I love my toast,
I love my toast,
I don't wanna brag, I don't wanna brag, don't boast. Hey!
I love my toast,
I love my toast,
You heard me first time,
I love my toast.
I said it the first time,
Oh I did not stutter,
Oh give my my toast,
And both sides butter.
Hey hey! (dances)
Whooo! (puts bread in toaster)
Hey hey! (butters and eats it)
Oh yeeeah, the Lord gave me my toast.
Heeeeyaaeeaahh, heeeey! (takes a bite)
Whoooooooooooooooooo. (collapses)
Tricia the Swimming Lessons Teacher
(Episode 11.08)
Hey, baby, I want to sing to you today.
I saw you at the YMCA.
Oh, I know it could not be far,
If I was drowning, would you give me CPR?
This is my song, and my song has been sung,
You've got a real nice looking aqualung,
Oh little darling, accept this from me,
I'm going to do a little solo for my beauty from beneath the sea!
I said, (plays trumpet)
Alabazizababazizazoozas in the water,
And bozabazobazabazizazay.
Oh bozazoozoozazazazoop H2O,
Oh zoozoozatzoozoozat teach me all that you know,
Oh yeah.
Thank you so much. That was good. Let's hear it for her! Yeah!